Terrified and depressed!

[Backseat Driver]

I've "stayed too long at the fair." No amount of counseling, medication, trying to communicate those "I" messages, embarking on extreme austerity measures for our well-being, agreeing to a "new start," has yet to impress upon him the fact that he needs to earn my trust by being both fiscally responsible and maritally responsible. I'm tired of the charade for the sake of what? Kids are grown, thank god, and say it's 50% my fault - I've lost all my self-confidence; all of my attempted savings; all my drive to turn anything around by accepting yet another empty promise. There's always something, most of all lost jobs, lost/homes, lost good name; lost ability for the kind of medical care each of us needs--vision, dental, hearing, counseling; yet another unpaid bill, none of them in my name--not the lease, not the utilities, not transportation (cars); I buy the food and hope it lasts a month; I pay for our cells; then there's the lies of forgetfulness, priorities, hidden mailings (only one key). I no longer believe that "love" looks like this..

Is there support or any assistance at shelters, hospital rooms (not suicidal), for a senior enduring elder non-physical domestic (emotional, psychological, financial) abuse? Tomorrow will be our 49th anniversary; clearly he does not respect this status or feel much gratitude for his 70 x 7 chances to make even a short-term attempt until and unless I'm already so upset it makes his case of my "fault," but I'm way beyond tears, daily prayer, meditations to still the brain pain; it's obvious the heart is weak to end it all.

I feel so foolish in this long history of enabling this charade of his; I feel as though, over the years, I've created my own charade and failure. Please help me understand why I feel so disenfranchised. so invisible, and not worth his effort. I feel totally lost...