How to Write a Holy Text

[Solly Mack]

5. You have to say how any other books purporting to be the holy word are false.

You need to get that in so people will know that you have the last word on holy and your holy text is the end all and be all of what is and isn't holy.

Your holy text is the last word, and only word, in how to achieve a holy afterlife because you're living a holy life - if people follow your holy text.

You need a creative creation tale.

No. Really. Outlandishly creative. Your competition is fierce, so go large. Nothing is impossible. Seriously - nothing. At all.

Your savior has to die. I don't know why, it just does. So kill your savior, and in the most cruel way possible.

But since your savior will also have to come back from the dead, people can live with the inhumane treatment of their savior. So don't worry about how you kill off the savior. No death is too gruesome....BUT

Think ahead to the future icons when considering what type of death. What do you want people to hang on the wall? Wear around their neck? How do you want your savior to be remembered and immortalized in art, jewelry, and clothing?

Trademark NOW. No, really - now.


There needs to be a list of things to do and what not to do. These can be anything but they must include a loophole for hypocrisy.

Loopholes are important but one catch-all phrase would be best. Something simple people can throw out to feel smug about their sins because they know they are still better than everyone else who doesn't believe as they do.

Fill-in with lots of whatever but end with cataclysmic events wrought by your angry holy being because the world has gone to shit, so shit it up some more because you can. That'll teach them!

Or not.