How to Write a Holy Text

[Brainstormy]

is one of the chapters in my forthcoming book. Brain picking here from my peeps. What would YOU think that essential elements should be? Please. Make me laugh.

[Warpy]

1. First, find your particular deity

and remember, the text isn't going to be written by you, it's being dictated/inspired by said deity, either directly or through a subordinate. Both are invisible, of course, and highly meddlesome in human affairs.

Condemn other deities and dehumanize anyone who believes in such nonsense as other holy texts.

Justify vicious behavior toward people who disagree and especially toward anyone who is not in a position to fight back, like women and children. Remind them they are doing the deity's work, but don't admit your invisible deity needs their help because he can't do anything himself. Oh, and all modern deities do have to have penises.

And the more stupid and inconvenient rules you can come up with for everything from clothing to food to sex to how much time has to be devoted to the deity will help, especially if 90% of those rules are stupid and inconvenient for women, only.

[Binkie The Clown]

4. Dietary laws must forbid pasta because, you know, Pastafarians. n/t

[Brainstormy]

9. Trying to slide on that one in this chapter because

I have a whole chapter on The One True Religion.


"have to have penises" Hilarious. and sadly, true. I can use that!

Have a section on Going Heavy on the Sex with subsections: Misogyny, and Polygamy, Incest and Other Kinky Stuff.

Your last suggestion is good. I have chapters on Soul Food and Dressing Divinely, but your point, about just making up a bunch of stupid and inconvenient rules because you can is good. Got to think how to word that. capricious? Arbitrary? something.

[Brainstormy]

13. your third point

is something I might have overlooked. I need a section on 'Violence. Generally. And Lots of it." Are there any "holy texts" that don't recommend it? I'm only now becoming familiar with the Hindu texts, but the rest sure have it covered.

Thanks!

[Mr.Bill]

2. You also need an anti-diety.

A villain, like satan. He needs to be powerful and threatening. Belief in the diety is the key to not being harmed by this villain.

[Brainstormy]

6. Got it

The section is called "A Devil to Make You Do it" And you're right. Absolutely critical.

[Binkie The Clown]

3. You need four or five waring dieties. Everyone has to pick one to worship...

...and declare holy war on everyone who worships a different one.

[Brainstormy]

10. got to think about that

you mean, somebody to fight in addition to Satan?

[Binkie The Clown]

19. Who needs a Satan when you have competing false gods to lead you astray?

Whichever god you choose to worship, the others are automatically evil and must be fought.

[Solly Mack]

5. You have to say how any other books purporting to be the holy word are false.

You need to get that in so people will know that you have the last word on holy and your holy text is the end all and be all of what is and isn't holy.

Your holy text is the last word, and only word, in how to achieve a holy afterlife because you're living a holy life - if people follow your holy text.

You need a creative creation tale.

No. Really. Outlandishly creative. Your competition is fierce, so go large. Nothing is impossible. Seriously - nothing. At all.

Your savior has to die. I don't know why, it just does. So kill your savior, and in the most cruel way possible.

But since your savior will also have to come back from the dead, people can live with the inhumane treatment of their savior. So don't worry about how you kill off the savior. No death is too gruesome....BUT

Think ahead to the future icons when considering what type of death. What do you want people to hang on the wall? Wear around their neck? How do you want your savior to be remembered and immortalized in art, jewelry, and clothing?

Trademark NOW. No, really - now.


There needs to be a list of things to do and what not to do. These can be anything but they must include a loophole for hypocrisy.

Loopholes are important but one catch-all phrase would be best. Something simple people can throw out to feel smug about their sins because they know they are still better than everyone else who doesn't believe as they do.

Fill-in with lots of whatever but end with cataclysmic events wrought by your angry holy being because the world has gone to shit, so shit it up some more because you can. That'll teach them!

Or not.

[Brainstormy]

7. Ok, so let's see

I do have, actually my first requirement as a creation story. I'm noting some common themes. Eggs, etc. Do you have a fave? Besides the two in Genesis?


Some of my "must haves" are Ambiguities and Contradictions, Innumerable Extraneous Details, Nonsensical Arbitrary Math, Miracles and Magic.


I've included some great quotes. Twain, Bierce.


That part about the future icons, and trademarking is great!!!!! I can have fun with that!

[Solly Mack]

8. You're way ahead of the game! Just be sure to trademark!

Please share your final text when you can.

[Brainstormy]

11. wow! I'll be coming back to this well!

Thanks! More to come.

[Solly Mack]

12. You might want to consider at least one hymn.

One that was (accidentally on purpose) spontaneously manifested by the people during a time of hardship and suffering. An ancient hymn that has endured as the holy text has endured.

There was a moment, when they thought it couldn't get any worse, that the multitudes turned to each other, their eyes meeting and their hearts reaching out across the divide, when this song entered the minds of the downtrodden, all at once it seemed - the clouds parted, the sun came out, and their voices joined in celebration. In one voice, the same song, entering through their hearts and issuing forth from their mouths, "Holy Being X , blessed be. Blessed be.".

Remember to copyright your hymn!

[Brainstormy]

15. Great!

that whole copyright thing is funny. My last section is on Publishing Considerations. Includes Distributions Systems (the Gideons and the bible bomb dropping thing) Translations and Editions (and the importance of losing the original), Binding Errors, Proofreading, etc. But I can make something of the modern day development of copyright.

My main problem may be what to leave out!

[Solly Mack]

16. I can see that being a problem. There is a lot that can be used.

Best of luck!

[rzemanfl]

14. Tell a big lie, repeat for a couple thousand years. n/t

[Brainstormy]

17. That works.

But is it the act of lying or recruiting folks who will disseminate it for you? Maybe that belongs in Publishing Considerations. At any rate, you've got me thinking. Thanks!

[rzemanfl]

18. Part of the lie would be immortality so you didn't have to trust folks to carry on for you.

Otherwise they might start selling dispensations and indulgences and such.

I live near Clearwater. L. Ron Hubbard has done all your research for you. Oh, movie stars, must have them.

[Lint Head]

20. I think it's very simple. Fear is at the core.

You establish a deity to alleviate that fear.
You also must acquiesce and fear that deity.
You must believe that if you communicate with that deity to alleviate the fear that he, she or it will alleviate it. And if he, she or it does not you either did not communicate correctly, did not believe sufficiently or simply the answer from the deity is no.
That brings in the guilt factor. You must feel guilt and therefore sacrifice to the deity because you did not communicate or pray correctly. The deity is alwats right.
The fear also involves what happens after death. The fear of dying is innate in us all. That fear is easily manipulated.
There is a penalty for not communicating correctly to the deity and you will be judged based on your sacrifice.

[Lordquinton]

21. Um...

http://oglaf.com/apocrypha/

[Brainstormy]

31. That's pretty good

hadn't seen that before!

[rurallib]

22. Did I miss this? Did anyone say miracles? Defying nature with some mystifying happenings

Some levitating, certainly some defiance of death somehow like making a dead bird sing again, or healing over a gunshot victim.

[Brainstormy]

27. I've included a section on Miracles and Magic

I note that the big stuff is OK but you've got to include a lot of cheap tricks, too. The kind of stuff that would get David Copperfield laughed out of Vegas. Lots of turning things into other things, pyrotechnics, etc. I like your qualifiers: defying death, nature. I've got to check the Koran for magic tricks, too. (Beyond the obvious flying horse, of course.)

[uriel1972]

23. You don't write a holy text...

You are inspired or copy down a deity's words... or better yet find it written down for you mysteriously.

[NeoGreen]

24. One idea...

...
1st: Come up with a list of 100 things you may or may not be allowed to do. Just list the actions or thoughts, do not list if you are allowed to do them or not.

2nd: Go through the list one-by-one and randomly assign whether the item is allowed or not allowed (do this randomly, and make sure there are inconsistencies and a definite lack of logic rules).

3rd: Make a list of punishments and randomly assign to the prohibited items.

4th: Make a list of rewards (might be a short list) and randomly assign to list of allowed items.

Finally, make death a prominent punishment and make sure all rewards cannot be quantified (sorry amputees) or can only be redeemed after death.

Write the final version on some old parchment, bury for 1-year, then miraculously find and reveal to the world.


PS
Please, please don't do this, we don't need another John Smith or L. Ron Hubbard.
People be cray enough already.

[Brainstormy]

25. Thanks

Good idea on burying the parchment. And I love the PS! I'm hoping, by providing these "instructions," to make it self-evident that these are mortal, not divine, works.

[Glamrock]

26. Wandering a desert for forty years

with no one to talk to except yourself. After awhile, you should be able to completely lose your mind thereby opening up the channel to "God"!

[DetlefK]

28. 1. A divine authority. 2. A principle that must be obeyed. 3. People who refuse the principle.

God says: "Do this." Evil people refuse to do it.

The End.

[True Dough]

29. Be sure to include many inconsistencies and contradictions in your holy book

that way your disciples can argue forevermore about how to interpret your words.

A few of many, many cases in point:

God decides who will be dumb, deaf, blind, etc. (EX 4:11)
God is a god of love. (2CO 13:11, 14, 1JN 4:8, 16)

God destroys his enemies. (DT 7: 9-10)
Do not resist your enemies. Love them. (MT 5:39-44)


This website contains copious examples:

https://infidels.org/library/modern/donald_morgan/contradictions.html

[Brainstormy]

30. Thanks!

haven't been to that site in quite a while. Thanks for the link, and the reminder!