Relief at the diagnosis

[GliderGuider]

Last edited Thu Apr 13, 2017, 03:46 PM - Edit history (1)

My 64 year old wife has just (10 days ago) been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She hasn't been staged yet, but from the ultrasound, a Ca125 of 870 and the obvious (in retrospect) symptoms that have been building for over a year, it's probably advanced stage 3.

Complicating the picture are her other ailments - severe fibromyalgia; a raft of allergies and sensitivities of all types including to drugs; diabetes; 150 lb overweight; a bad thyroid and two bum knees. Aside from our love, her quality of life has been crap for the last five years, and she has often expressed a desire to be done with it. We've both done a metric boatload of inner work over the years (non-dualist stuff) and neither of us is at all uncomfortable with the thought of death.

She has decided, with my complete support and understanding, to refuse all treatment except palliative care at home, and maybe some fluid drainage if required. Her decision was made easier because given her other conditions she's not a candidate for surgery, and chemo would probably kill her outright. Neither of us expects the process to take long. So it goes.

We're basically urban hermits - we have no children, no close families, and both of us live the bulk of our social lives on line - so there is very little personal support to call on. Luckily we're in Canada, so the safety nets for this kind of thing are said to be quite good, both medically for her and psychologically for me. We'll be finding out soon, I guess. But as far as personal caregiving goes, I'm it. It's a burden I take on with open, loving eyes.

What's most remarkable to me so far is the relief, joy and clarity that the diagnosis has brought to her life. The burden of responsibility for making the decision to leave has been lifted from her shoulders. Fate has taken matters out of her hands, and she is delighted by that lightening of her load. Her clarity comes from knowing that there is a definite, imminent outcome - release - in contrast to the laborious, pointless slog that her life was just a couple of short weeks ago. She is finding closure.

For me, this has sharpened everything to an exceedingly fine point. This is where the rubber meets the road - where we discover who we really are and what love really means. It has also become utterly obvious what things matter and what things don't. I used to doubt my ability to be an adult, even at 66 years of age. Not any more.

We've known each other since 1972, but lost contact from the early 80s until 2010. Neither of us can figure out why we didn't connect romantically way back then, because when we did re-connect it was like an explosion of homecoming joy, or a key going into a well-oiled lock. We call our love an example of "twin flames" - one soul that is split between two bodies. So for both of us it feels like she's simply "going home from school" a bit ahead of me.

This is my fifth marriage. I think I married so often because I was always looking for her. At the same time, I was learning what I would need to know in order to do this. This is the first time in my life I have truly loved, and been loved. To have had seven years of it is a blessing beyond measure. I pray that I will be equal to what is now being asked in return.

I don't think I'm asking for any advice here, I'm just glad to have found a place where I can talk about it. I give my deepest thanks to everyone who reads this.