Do I risk pissing him off and clean, or do I turn my back and shrug?

[alcina]

3. Years ago I was in the same position

I was living a similar distance away from my mother, and every month I would visit for a weekend. And during those visits, I wanted to Get Things Done! There was cleaning to be done, repairs to be made, errands to be run, and oh so many other things that she never seemed to get round to.

But one day, while we were arguing over my intrusiveness, she asked me why I bothered coming there if I wasn't even going to visit with her; why I was treating her like a client instead of like the woman who had raised and loved me. It dawned on me at that moment (thick-headed though I can be) that my mom still wanted to be my mom. So I sat down, accepted a cup of horrible dollar-store instant coffee and let her talk.

She was so lonely. My father and aunts were all gone. My siblings rarely visited, and when they did, they also wanted to be Useful. I realized my mother spent days at a time alone, with "no purpose," as she put it. She said the mess didn't bother her. She just wanted company, and she wanted to be my mom.

So after a bit of calming down on both sides, I asked if she could maybe cook me one of the dishes I'd really liked as a kid. She jumped at this. So we went grocery shopping, where I picked up a few "extra" things that she otherwise probably wouldn't have let me give her. And then when we got back, I offered to "tidy up" the kitchen while she started prepping the meal.

I'll be honest: It wasn't all that easy. I had to be a lot more patient than I was used to. I also had to eat off a less-than-clean plate. On the plus side, she was more than happy to let me clean up the dishes and kitchen, since she'd done the cooking.

My mother is now in a dementia facility, and I'm dealing with the same situation with my uncle. He's a little tougher because he spent 10 years caring for my now-deceased aunt, so he's not good at letting others take care of him. But I'm trying to apply the same strategy when I visit him. I remind myself that I'm there to visit, and I sneak in the cleaning and erranding when I can.

In both cases, the few times it's been a serious health issue (eg, really rotten food in the fridge), I've been able to be a bit firmer because, I believe, I've earned a little leeway.

But about a month ago, I moved my mother into the dementia facility. And in my effort to be as efficient as possible, I was a little too pushy trying to get her to do something. In a sudden moment of frightening lucidity, my mother said, "When you get to be like this, other people forget that you're still a human being and you deserve to be treated with respect."

Then she asked me if we were at Disneyland.

One other thing, regarding hiring someone to clean: Neither my mother nor my uncle would allow this. They were both raised to be self-sufficient and in their lives had never had a housekeeper. Any time I mentioned the idea, they were rather offended. I think they recognized the need, but they were somewhat embarrassed. I think, also, they just didn't want strangers around touching their things. There was definitely some paranoia involved in their reaction, but also probably some generational difference.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck with your father. It's not an easy road.