how to deal with a defiant elderly parent...

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2. I went through something like this when both my parents were in their late 80's.

My father had Mid-stage Alzheimer's and my mother was very sick with kidney issues. The whole process took a very long time, and there were long periods when my life was totally determined by their needs, which was not good for any of us. I lost my health, my energy, and my optimism, and it took several years to get all that back.

What I experienced was that things are constantly changing for the worse, and if you can wait, the time will come when he no longer has the will or the focus to try to resist the inevitable care-giving arrangements that have to be made. My father was totally unwilling to think about coming to live with us. He fought it tooth and nail until the time came, pretty suddenly, when he became so dependent on us to help him that he gave up the fight. I know in your case this may mean losing the house you are looking at, but maybe it won't.

I think you're doing the right thing by taking him there to see the house, even without telling him the whole story. My bet is that feeling pressured to make the move is making him resist, because he still wants to be in charge of his life. If he doesn't feel pressured, the resistance may fade away. It's amazing how sensitive and complicated all these issues are when your parents are fading.

One thing I finally learned was that the lives and health of the care-givers are just as important as the lives of the patients. It isn't fair or right that your and your husband's lives should be completely disregarded in this situation. In order to take care of them properly, your life has to be tolerable too.

I wish you all the best.

One more thought. If you want them to move, don't make it TOO easy for them to stay where they are. Of course you have to make sure they have food, warmth, cleanliness, access to their doctors, and help with banking. But beyond that, let them know that you are still very busy and can't get there to see them at a moment's notice, you can't spend weeks at their house, and that it would be great if they were closer so you could spend more time with them. This might sound cold, but it's reality, and they need to face that.