Last edited Fri Aug 15, 2014, 02:40 PM - Edit history (1)
First let me say you're very generous and brave for acknowledging that you are struggling with this painful situation and sharing it with us. I've gone through similar times with my family and I'm sure many others reading these posts also know the kind of pain only family can create.
The next thing I would like to say is to encourage you to talk this out, if you haven't already, with your other friends and family members that might be more reliable for you. And your sangha and teacher if you have them.
I don't post very often but read often, but not enough to know if you've already shared this but what kind of Buddhism do you practice? I practice Zen and that is the perspective from which I will try and give you.
I think the important thing is that your are noticing what is coming up for you and that you are doing what you can to meet it. Sometimes a skillful response is simply walking away because that is all you can do. You can only do what and how much you are able to when you meet each moment. The important thing is meeting it.
I mentioned that I've gone through similar things with my family. In particular for several years I keep my mother at a distance, not completely cut off but spent as little time as possible with her, kept my family's interaction with her to a minimum. This was after I told her I was an atheist (this was before beginning practicing Zen, I still don't hold a belief in gods but that's a diversion from the point here) and she told me I was "no longer her son".
Along the way, after starting practice, I was able to open up my life more to her. Small steps and nothing really changed and yet I found my capacity to be with the stress and anger I had without the stress and anger being everything that made up our time together.
And actually things did start to change, a little, she really seemed interested and happy that I started with Zen, she respected my decision to celebrate Humanlight instead of christmas by giving me gifts for that day instead of gifts wrapped in christmas paper, she didn't make a thing of it she just did it.
Then just before she died she actually came to my home, something she hadn't done since I moved after my divorce. And when she first got sick I fell back into the habit of trying to "fix" her or how she was dealing with dying and again as I kept meeting that by the time she came to my home I had given up on that idea that there was anything to fix. And during her stay with me she actually opened up to me, we had a couple of really warm moments, and that maybe doubled how many truly open hearted warm moments I had with her my whole life.
Of course nothing like that may happen for you it is just one example of how things can go if you keep meeting the thing that is disturbing you, examine it, question it and repeat. By meeting the thing, I don't mean you have to keep going to see your mother. My encouragement is to sit zazen, if that is your practice, and just keep examining and questioning what comes up when you do encounter your family or think about them, examine and question what comes up with your decision. Just look and notice, not trying to solve anything. Then as they say just take that step off the 100 foot pole, in other words just meet each moment however you can without knowing if what you say or do will make things better or worse just willing to be there and see what does happen.
I hope that helps. Take care.
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