Writer at cracked.com tries several methods of woo. All of them fail.

[frogmarch]

3. My sister is

an acupuncturist and wanted to cure my sciatica with her needles. I refused her offer, so she offered to give me massage therapy. Again I said no thanks. So she waved her hands over me in hocus-pocus style as I lay on the couch watching TV and murmured what I guess was an incantation. That creeped me out and I said, stop it. Then she suggested I try Earthing. I said, are you kidding me? and that's when she determined we are astrologically incompatible and gave up and called up her pet psychic to see if her horse was happier now that she gave him a new name. godawmighty.