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awoke_in_2003

(34,582 posts)
27. Reminds me of my favorite catholic joke
Sat Aug 8, 2015, 05:20 PM
Aug 2015

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Recommendations

0 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):

Mmmm...I like sourdough... truebrit71 Aug 2015 #1
Then why are people starving in "Christian" nations? Fearless Aug 2015 #2
More meaningless, useless babble from this ridiculous little man. mr blur Aug 2015 #3
Don't think too much about it. The collection plate is making its way to you. Arugula Latte Aug 2015 #14
Yeah, that's pretty bad, even for Pope Weeble. onager Aug 2015 #18
"Jesus is the bread of life" AlbertCat Aug 2015 #4
No, Jesus isn't gluten free Lordquinton Aug 2015 #6
Have no fear, with God, there is always a way. Curmudgeoness Aug 2015 #7
But is it Papal approved? Lordquinton Aug 2015 #10
Good Lord!!!!! Curmudgeoness Aug 2015 #12
We all know what happened to the last group of women Lordquinton Aug 2015 #19
This is unpossible. There is no fucking way a gluten free wafer can possibly transmute LiberalAndProud Aug 2015 #21
It is not unpossible. I'm telling you, Curmudgeoness Aug 2015 #22
What is the confection of bread? LiberalAndProud Aug 2015 #25
That kind of food would have to have a lot of unhealthy preservatives to last an eternity. Tobin S. Aug 2015 #5
No thanks. I'm on a low carb diet. AtheistCrusader Aug 2015 #8
I'm waiting for the religion that has... Binkie The Clown Aug 2015 #9
"Jesus is the bland wafer of self-delusion." deucemagnet Aug 2015 #11
What about homo sapiens who were living in the 198,000 years Arugula Latte Aug 2015 #13
Fool! Curmudgeoness Aug 2015 #23
Hold the phone. I think he's right, after all. Here is proof: Arugula Latte Aug 2015 #15
I have seen the light! trotsky Aug 2015 #16
Photoshop or actual coincidence? FiveGoodMen Aug 2015 #17
Wow! A miracle! salimbag Aug 2015 #20
"Bread is the jesus of life" Jokerman Aug 2015 #24
I have greatly reduced my bread intake RussBLib Aug 2015 #26
Reminds me of my favorite catholic joke awoke_in_2003 Aug 2015 #27
Latest Discussions»Alliance Forums»Atheists & Agnostics»Pope Francis: "Jesus...»Reply #27