7 Weird Realities Of Growing Up Without A Religion

[F4lconF16]

24. ...damn.

I so wish I could do that for Halloween. Get a bunch of friends together and go as a group of zombie gods

The children probably wouldn't care, but we could scare the crap out of the adults

Also, let's be clear on this: Jesus was never a zombie!

He was a lich:



Except!!! He might not actually be, according to recent scholarly analysis rooted in D&D manuals (which I think are just as valid as the original source for Jesus).

https://rolltodisbelieve.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/hes-not-a-zombie-or-a-lich/

The Facebook meme posits that he’s really a lich, which is a very powerful undead cleric or wizard who’s used ancient, evil magicks to keep his body alive. Unfortunately, a lich doesn’t quite fit the bill either:

Their touch is so cold as to cause 1-10 points of damage and paralyze opponents who fail to make their saving throw. The mere sight of a lich will cause any creature below 5th level (or 5 hit dice) to flee in panic from fear. . . A lich appears very much as does a wight or mummy, being of skeletal form, eyesockets mere black holes with glowing points of light, and garments most often rotting (but most rich).

Next I considered some of the other usual suspects, but the story of Jesus just didn’t fit any of those either. He can’t be an illithid (mind flayer) because illithids are allergic to sunlight (along with a number of other potential candidates, like vampires), and the Gospels often mention Jesus being out in the sunlight and not at all scary-looking. It’s doubtful he’s a shapechanged dragon because he just doesn’t seem smart enough or wise enough for that, though admittedly this Monster Manual is AD&D so the newer versions may have allowed for some different kinds of shape-changing dragons (sorry, Christians; looked at from the outside, nothing he said or did really seems very original and he didn’t do a single thing to definitively amend or fix the atrocious Old Testament’s slavery-advocating, rape-apologizing, woman-marginalizing, tribalism-enforcing, ignorance-celebrating stances, like tell people “don’t keep slaves” or “stop worrying about what other people do in private” or even tell humans about Germ Theory or anything really useful).

I pored over the manual but found only one entry that really fit the bill.

Folks, we are going to have to entertain the serious idea that Jesus is actually a D&D-style Rakshasa (which, I’m sure I don’t need to mention, bears little relation to the “real” East Indian concept of them). The D&D-style Rakshasa fits him a lot better. Check this description out:

Known first in India, these evil spirits encased in flesh are spreading. They are fond of a diet of human meat, and as masters of illusion they can easily gain this end. Rakshasas are able to employ ESP and then create the illusion of what those who have encountered them deem friendly. They can then withhold attack until their prey can be taken off-guard. Although capable of using both magic users’ spells (up to 3rd level) and cleric’s spells (1st level), they are not affected by spells under the 8th level. Rakshasas cannot be harmed by non-magical weapons. . .

I just want to say: WOW. That seems to work better. A Rakshasa may have either been acting like Jesus the whole time, pretending to “die” during the Crucifixion and then “resurrecting” to get closer to his prey, or else took the place of him afterward and ate the body–which would make his followers even more convinced that he’d resurrected!