and have a few things that I want to communicate.
First of all, what is wrong with an older dressage horse coming out of rehab for getting your seat back?
Second, you seem traumatized by the many people who have attacked you, in all sorts of ways. Your horses being only a single painful facet of this issue.
So, really how does one emerge out of feeling totally owned by these bad behaviors and cruel actions?
I don't know. I wish I did. Many cruel and unfair things have happened to me. What I have been determined to do is not pay attention to them. To leave them out of my story, to move on, to ignore them, to allow them to wither and become powerless in my heart and mind. I feel that giving these bad behaviors attention allows those things/people to win. I don't want them to be the main part of my story, or hardly in it at all. I want my story to be about how I carried on anyway. How I did not let these people or these circumstances stop me or take the joy out of what I was able to do, and am able to still do. I try to focus on what I have done, what I will do, what still needs to be done before I get to step off the merry-go-round of life.
These are the things I focus on while doing all the boring tasks of my day, which are abundantly plentiful. I pray for calm and peace and that I can always be kind and be a person that I would like (if I met me) and dream and imagine what can be done next. I really do my best to nip memories of painful experiences in the bud. I treat them as weeds growing in my heart's garden. I try to pull them up by their roots and compost them right away. They do me no good as they put me into a panic mode. When I fall into these modes I cannot be productive, I cannot be happy. I fall into sadness. I have a super hard time climbing out of the sadness pit.
One tool I use (when I do fall into the sadness pit) to diffract the painful energy is to imagine briefly how horrible it would be to be the one doing the bad thing to me. How actually bad this person might feel to have taken this mean task onto their life story (not at the time, but perhaps when they are older and have time to consider their life) . How lucky I am that I did not get those sorts of tasks to take on during this life. The older I get the more I realize how fortunate I am that I have never been called upon to be the aggressor, the one doing the mean things, the one being insensitive. The one taking all that they can get and leaving nothing for others. I have been give a joyous life actually. One where I get to be kind to most everyone.
Anyway, I hope that you find a wonderful situation where your talents can help others and that a calm horse can help you get your seat back. I sense that life is so very short for all of us and it is really time to savor completely the little bits of good that come our way. In any shape or form.
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