It would be too little too late and it would be a torture because I needed those thing to happen when I was on my game, not now, when I have let it all go and cannot even make it through one song anymore, much less a stage performance. My mind is also not what it used to be.
I am done. That is the reality of the situation. To 'keep going' is to just mark time with no way to realize any of the things I wanted out of life. It is daily torture, to be honest. Every single day is a reminder that I am complete failure and I have nothing left for anyone. The fact that I am dragging someone down with me is even more horrifying.
But, there is no help out there. (Unless you are rich, then there might be. I am not, nor will I ever be.) I don't know about you, but I am not one to watch someone suffer unnecessarily. That is what each day is. I may have some days where I am not as downtrodden as others, but that is just my mind creating a temporary illusion to try and keep me from running screaming into traffic.
I am gay. I live in 'left field'. There is nothing else that is going to happen for someone like me. According to the rest of the country, I am waste of time and energy because I will not be a good little conformist. Well, if that is the case, then so be it. I failed our country and I failed everyone who ever thought I might be worth a shiat, not because I would not be that happy peon, but because I did not put up enough of a fight against the concept to begin with.
I have spent my entire life doing something else because I had to survive... for some reason. I have lost important gigs because I was trying to pay bills. I have had chances that might have made the difference pass me by because I had to work for some petty tyrant or starve in the streets. (Which, looking back on it, may have been the better idea.) Now, I see that is just to make the oligarchs richer. I myself never had a chance and I never will.
So, fuck it all. That is where I am now. Is that childish? Eh, maybe. Is it stupid? That is debatable, as those who will never know want or deprivation will never know what it is like to be so powerless in a society that touts its 'freedoms' and 'mobility'. I desperately need help, but there is none. My 'pyramid' is inverted and it starts with my current physiological state. Until that is addressed, there will be nothing else. And, I cannot address it because our modern medicine is far more interested in income than helping people. They don't want anyone who might not be that good little peon, and they already know I will not be that.
So, I am done. My health is getting worse, and I cannot do much of anything as it is now. The idea that I need to just go out into the snow and lay down and wait is a strong one these days, let me tell you. Plus, now my neuropathy will keep me from feeling the first stages of hypothermia anyway, so why not? The only thing that has kept me from ending it so far is the fact that I am married to someone who does not deserve that grief. That is why I am sitting here like a toadstool on a log and trying to make sense of anything... anything that could help me.
And continually learning that there is none. Not for a poor, old former entertainer like me.
= new reply since forum marked as read