My daughter went through this and continues to have occasional bouts of guilt. She was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer two years ago. She feels guilty because her cancer took away her ability to have children, hence she feels guilty that I will have no grandchildren. She feels guilty because she is depressed and cross and not happy every time we are together. She feels guilty because we are the very last of our family - no siblings for either of us; grandparents, aunts, uncles all gone. She feels guilty that she may leave me all alone in my last years (I'm 72). None of the things she feels guilty about bother me in the least. What bothers me is that she wasted precious time on guilt. I gave her a project. I asked her to start a journal for me. I want her to write down her memories of our time together. Happy memories, sad memories, whatever impacted her. I am doing the same for her because it's possible I will be the first to go. My entries are relatively short but always end with telling her how much she means to me and how much faith I have in her to continue on her life's journey. I remind her that she is strong, smart, capable, kind, generous, and that however long or short her life may be, she has made a difference in this world. I know that her journal entries to me are very much the same. It's okay if you can't be there for your family right now. It's not your fault that you are working on the end of your journey. You can leave them with memories, wisdom, hope, confidence, laughter, and grateful tears that will strengthen them when you can no longer walk beside them. When my best friend of 55 years died, she selected a personal belonging for each of her family and friends. These were simple items, not anything expensive. In addition to the item, each of us received a letter in which she related what she most loved about us, how she felt we impacted her life, and, of course, what quirk of personality or habit we possessed that made her grit her teeth and bite her tongue. I read her letter many times each year, even though she has been gone for over a decade. Try not to focus on what you are unable to do for them now. Focus on what you can leave for them that will strengthen them and hold them up in the years to come. Leave something they can read over and over again knowing they will hear your voice as they read your messages. I send you much love and peace.
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