What NOT to say [View all]
Has somebody just told you that they or one of their loved ones has Stage 4 cancer?
Please don't say the first thing that flies through your mind.
Blurting out, "Why didn't you get a mammogram?" or "Why didn't you send her for a mammogram?" is NOT what the person wants to hear. Believe me, the thought has already passed through their minds, maybe a thousand times. The only way they will be able to stay sane and strong is if they banish it. If they want to survive, they are working on staying in the moment, keeping a positive attitude and getting through the pain and discomfort of treatment. They are savoring those rich moments when they are able to forget about all of it and laugh. Please don't make their task more difficult with your concern.
Perhaps, like my partner, the person was still a relatively young woman. Perhaps she had skipped three years between mammograms while still getting her physical exams. Maybe she had lost her gynecologist due to an insurance switch and her GP hadn't ordered a mammogram because she was always hearty and humorous and strong.
Please don't question if a person with Stage 4 cancer wants to keep working. It's her choice. If she decides to keep the routine she is used to, with support from her colleagues, then don't discourage her. She gets to make her own decisions. You're not in her shoes.
And by the way, a person's work and goals may actually help them survive. I have a friend who was first diagnosed with metastatic cancer in 1998. He was told he had a year to live. Well, all these years later and with thousands of work miles logged, he is still going. He actually thought he was dying two weeks ago but he is back on his feet now. He is hosting a cocktail party soon. I treasure this man. He has been a great teacher for me.
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