you ever just feel like dying?

[sigmasix]

1. same boat here

I'm 46 and have been fighting a rare form of intestinal cancer for almost 11 years. I've been given "weeks to live" several times but I always seem to pull it out. After the years of chemotherapy and all the operations there isnt much left of me. My wife is my soul mate and life journey companion- I'm very selfish of my time with her and our children. Many times I have wanted to just give up and allow myself to die- but I always return to my heart's desire. Maybe we are living in this inbetween condition for a good reason, or maybe there is no reason for it. I'm ever hopeful that I experience each and every moment I have left with courage and unique wonder. These are the times that are the hard shell surrounding the good days spent with those we love. There is something freeing about giving up your expectations for this life because of serious medical barriers. I wake each morning suprised to be alive and work from there. I cannot mow a lawn or drive a vehicle anymore. My world has shrunk to fit my home and the occassional grocery store trip. But I still live to experience each day. Every small victory is worth the effort and serves as proof that you do not allow cancer to define you.