24 Lies People Like To Tell Women

[BrotherIvan]

7. I'm going to ask a question and I hope not to get berated

I am having some trouble untangling some of the what is being said in modern feminism about empowerment and sex. I admit to not being as well-informed as I should be, so please forgive me if this question is awkward.

I guess I feel like the message is not consistent. On the one hand, women reserve the right to dress as they please but most often in discussion this refers to dressing as provocatively as possible, as a way of reclaiming our sexuality and fighting back against slut-shaming. And yet I often wonder why this is often an unwitting defense of the same style that men would prefer women wear so they most closely resemble pornified images? I personally don't feel beautiful shoving myself into a bra so my breasts are up to my collar bone, nor do I feel sexier in a miniskirt that barely covers my butt. I don't feel freer in five inch stilettos. All that I feel is that I look like how a man wants me to look, how the media has decided I should look. I'm not advocating mom jeans and grandma panties and birkenstocks, but it feels akin to women killing themselves in corsets because men preferred an hourglass shape. Is that what feminism is fighting for? Where are the positive images of women feeling beautiful in whatever they wear: the pictures, the brands, the style blogs?

I am also confused as to the messages being given to young women about inebriation and rape. No, I don't think any women is ever at fault for rape under any circumstance. And no, I don't feel any woman "deserves it" for being drunk. I don't think women should be afraid for her safety in any circumstance, and I am deeply sorry that this is so often the case. But I have seen the video that everyone is lauding on DU of the young man with the passed out girl on the couch who tucks her in and even paternally strokes her hair behind her ear. The message that is coming through is, "Women should be able to drink so much they pass out and men should take care of them." Again, as with the above instance, it is as though women are being told they can't (and shouldn't) handle themselves, they aren't strong and intelligent and in control, instead there is so much advocacy for the opposite because that is what liberation looks like (and because men can do it so why can't we?). Really? The height of girl power is getting hammered at the frat house and hoping some man puts a blanket over you and a rubberband in your hair so you don't puke in it?

This discomfort keeps rising because this very article made me feel that once again I was hearing a subtle message that a woman is not in control of herself, her thoughts, and her actions. It's up to men to control themselves. That men's disapproval is such a ruling force in her life. That sex work and multiple partners is the height of empowerment and is more staunchly defended at the expense of putting energy into encouraging women and girls to be smart, creative, fulfilled, loving people. It's still always playing on a patriarchal playing field rather than leaving it behind and playing where we want to play. Reactive rather than proactive.

So I'm confused. I wish women wouldn't feel the need to define themselves so much in terms of sexuality. But it does seem like every discussion I read defines a woman in terms of her body or sex. This list is a good example, as if the only issues a woman ever thinks about is her weight and sex. It is endemic in the blogosphere and has taken over the discussion completely. I wish I could read more about how women have learned a better way to live without the constraints or the societal framework of the patriarchy and have unique abilities and talents, such as how women run countries such as Iceland and how they create governments that are more efficient and less militaristic, about women scientists and farmers and writers and brain surgeons. About how women are the drivers in the third world in lifting up their families and entire communities. About how because I have a different reproductive system doesn't mean I ever have to feel or BE a victim and screw anyone who disapproves. I want to stand up for women who speak out, speak the truth to power, women with awesome ideas and solutions, and not just my right to be a slut. My sexuality does not define me. It just feels like it's defining modern feminism.

So I guess my question is, does anyone else feel this way or am I totally off-base? Thanks in advance.