Men Don't Recognize 'Benevolent' Sexism: Study

[spooky3]

25. I think the "who pays for" argument is not just about who is underpaid.

It's about who does the asking.

On an individual level, it's easy to have a non-sexist rule -- if you ask, you pay, or at least offer to do so.

But at the societal level, there is still a norm that men do most of the asking, that women are perceived as being pushy or desperate if they ask men out, etc., which then may lead them to be unappreciated/taken for granted if a relationship develops. Along with that, there is a second norm that men who are really interested in you or believe you are a good "catch" are happy to pay for a nice date--that if a man won't spend anything, he's saying he thinks you are "easy" or not worth making much effort for. Many women have probably had the experience where a man offered her cheap dates, only to find herself taken for granted because of the man's value system, not hers, and/or that the same man had no problem spending on dates with other women.

Even if some may point out that this is changing, that they personally don't follow these norms, the fact remains that at a societal level many people's views have NOT changed, even if they SAY it's ok for women to take the initiative. If gender equality were really here, both sexes would be equally likely to propose marriage, for example. But it's still the man who does the asking, most of the time, even if the topic has been discussed.

So until that norm changes, I don't think women are out of line to wonder what signal they are getting or sending if men ask them out but don't want to pay. It may not be about wanting to exploit someone else financially, but society's training and messages that if you're too "easy", no one will respect you, etc. I personally have always been in favor of alternating or splitting both asking and costs. But again, this is an individual thing, and the more important factor is that social institutions that are slow to change, even among young people.