Other people's kids. Do you avoid them like the plague because ...

[Warren DeMontague]

3. I'm a parent, so my take on this may be a little different than you guys's.

And remember, before I was a parent I was not a parent, so I've been on both sides of that fence.

First off, I think it's sad if anyone "avoids kids like the plague" for any reason other than, as stated, getting a rip roaring headache because after 10 minutes they start to bug. Trust me, when you're a parent, you understand how much they can bug. Enjoy the ability to split. You should.

That said, I think most reasonable situations where a man (or a woman) would be "around kids" that weren't theirs or with whom they weren't in a designated caregiver arrangement shouldn't, by design, lend themselves to that kind of "suspicion"; I mean, there's a pretty big difference between being a soccer coach, on a field in broad daylight with 10 kids, and Michael Jackson inviting a kid over for a one-on-one sleepover (whatever you may think of that particularly weird situation).. In most situations that reasonable adults would find themselves 'around', say, kids that weren't theirs, really it's fairly reasonable to assume that either it's going to be a structured event as part of something where it's your job or duty to be taking care of these kids, or you're in public, it's daytime, etc. I have trouble envisioning the random situation where a man would reasonably be "spending time" with kids not his own and accusations could crop up; those instances and environments would have to be fairly specific and (in most cases) unusual in terms of "what are you doing with these kids in this situation".

The exception, of course, is things like boy scout leaders, "family friends" or priests who gain the trust of families and use that trust and those situations to have the sorts of access to kids that normally might otherwise raise eyebrows.

I think as good practice if someone wants to be a role model for kids, wants to work with kids, etc, good judgment about the setting and the appropriateness of the situation can go a long way. I wouldn't think just random accusations around child abuse would appear out of thin air, if one is not crossing boundaries or otherwise getting into situations that, even if they are totally innocent, leave themselves open to people going "what the fuck?" (like, again, Michael Jackson)

That said, I do think that men are perceived differently around and in terms of kids, than women are. It's not fair, I've done it myself, and I've experienced it too. My wife and I, in terms of finding babysitters when our kids were really little, discussed how we would feel about having a man as a sitter. In total honesty? We were not as comfortable with the idea of a male stranger watching our kids. We weren't. A man we knew, totally different story. Whether that's based on reality or totally stupid, it was the natural reaction we had. In fairness, we weren't comfortable with pretty much 99.9999999% of the child care options we looked at, and none of the total strangers- until we had sitters who we were extremely close to, friends of family or long-term friends of our own.

And I had some time as a SAHD, myself, or years when my wife and I balanced the child care and work between us. So I certainly got the other side of the stink eye and the creep vibe at the park, particularly when our oldest was real little. Back then, I think, the idea of the Dad watching the kids was still a little weirder than it is now. Funny, once the recession hit, all of a sudden I was like the new normal. Every bastard brother bob was with his kids all day, then blogging about it because it was all of a sudden hip.

That's me, ahead of my time.

In all honesty, the thing that bothered me more at the park than the rare mom who glared at me like I was going to nab her baby and run off to sell it to a Wicked Stepmother, were the old people who would be like "ah, givin' the little lady the day off, huh?" or, even worse, the grannies who would automatically assume I didn't know what the hell I was doing with my own kids. That used to drive me fucking bonkers, especially after I'd been at it for a few years.

I mean the reality is, any adult who is going to spend time with kids who aren't their own- and they should, if they can and they can stand it, because kids are great, and funny and fun to be around- ought to be aware of the situation, ought to do it with clear and open communication with the parents about what the parameters of the event or the organization are; I mean, most parents aren't idiots- they think about these things, but they also know that people have a lot of good reasons for wanting to mentor or work with kids that don't have evil or nefarious intent behind them. Most parents would like their kids to have a diverse range of interesting role models and life experiences; kids are like sponges, and the more interesting stuff they're exposed to, the richer adults they will become.

One last thing, BTA; I know what you're saying about the misconceptions or fear some people have around gay men. I consider myself real fortunate that I live in probably the most progressive (I think) corner of the US, so while no doubt there are people even here with those sorts of archaic attitudes, I think most folks in this area would regard that shit the same way they would racism or other bigotry. Another reason I love this place.