United's new procedure for the humane displacement of reluctant travelers

[QED]

...according to Carl Hiassen.

"We fully expect most customers to respond enthusiastically to these new displacement incentives. However, in the unlikely event we still need a seat or two on the plane, special care will be taken in the de-boarding of unwilling individuals.

<snip>

Once a passenger has been chosen by the crew for removal, a special swift-response team will be summoned. The team will be led not by airport police, but by wildlife officers who are specially trained to subdue large mammals.

A tranquilizer dart will be prepared, its dosage based on the estimated weight and agility of the recalcitrant passenger. The dart will then be administered with a muffled air rifle of the type used by zoo veterinarians to sedate captive apes, panda bears, and large cats.

As soon as the pre-displacement tranquilizer takes effect, the passenger will be carefully pried from his seat, placed on a stretcher and carried off the plane. This will be done as rapidly as possible, to avoid blocking the center aisle.

http://www.miamiherald.com/opinion/opn-columns-blogs/carl-hiaasen/article144757659.html