The Borowitz Report-Hegseth Orders Strike on Notorious Drug Traffickers

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@borowitzreport.bsky.social nails it!

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https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/hegseth-orders-strike-on-notorious

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling them “an imminent threat to the United States of America,” on Monday Pete Hegseth ordered a strike on seven boat passengers he accused of being “notorious drug traffickers.”

“I was watching late-night television and a program about these individuals came on,” the Secretary of War said. “I immediately hopped on Signal and ordered the attack.”

Hegseth said that, although the seven alleged narcoterrorists appear to be victims of a shipwreck, “That’s never stopped us before.”

“To the untrained eye, these persons might look like seven stranded castaways,” Hegseth continued. “In point of fact, they are all on a list of dangerous drug traffickers—a list I made myself with ChatGPT.”

“The passengers include a skipper, his first mate, and a so-called ‘professor’ who we believe runs a fentanyl lab,” he said. “Also onboard is the kingpin of a major Venezuelan cartel, who goes only by the name ‘El Millonario.’”

He urged the American people “not to be fooled” by the presence of three women on the vessel, including one wearing a full-length sequined gown and heavy makeup, noting, “I wear heavy makeup and there’s no one more badass.”