My mother

[IGoToDU]

Is soon to (hopefully) be 91, in hospice here at home where the three of us (myself, my teen and my darling nonagenarian) live. Really going through it. Any advice appreciated.

[Tetrachloride]

1. Ideas:

1. music or radio
2. some people want to see a lot of visitors. my mother didn’t.
3. Your mother may not want to see some people. My mother mentioned 2. (actually i did allow 1 of them to visit)
4. some people believe they have the right to visit regardless of what you or nurses may say.

i had to tell a relative (indirectly) that if he woke up my mother again, i would call the sheriff, because my mother was decidedly annoyed or worse.

The number of visitors including nurses may be unexpectedly high. Hence, my mother got tired

5. whatever last wishes, I carried them out.

6. be aware of sedatives. nightmares may occur and its time for a sedative. i thought incorrectly that my mother was having a seizure.

7. nurses may be on call, but may not be calling back as soon as we like. so, i was grateful for what i knew ahead of time

8. the big one : i asked my nurses or assistants to come first thing in the morning and to come right in always. morning was a great choice.

9. pets or a room with a view are good.

10. commode. well, … might be a challenge.

11. vaseline or whatever the nurse recommends for chapped lips.

12. extra pillows of various sizes standing by may be useful

13. most visitors: suggest a limit of 15 minutes. but some might be staying an hour. you will be able to know and most people know too.

14. video on phone: recommended. a regret of mine.

15. discrete nightlights. you don’t want to trip over stuff. get 2-3, low low wattage . ( okay just 1. i had a lot of space to walk and 3 fit me).

[keithbvadu2]

2. Take the old pictures to help her reminisce and write the family history on the back.

Take the old pictures to help her reminisce and write the family history on the back.

[Tetrachloride]

3. Some nurses or hospice staff may be trainees.

they were all fine.

[Tetrachloride]

4. Imperfections may appear. Keep them as happy memories.

There was a few big imperfections from outside of my mother and me. It can happen in some circumstances or family.

We are here 24 hours.

[brer cat]

5. Is your teen helping out?

My daughter was 16 during the last year of my father's life. He was in the end stages of Parkinson's and required a lot of assistance. She decided she would shave him every day and help him dress. To this day, those are some of the best memories she has of him. She knows she was acting responsibly and they forged a closer bond.

I suggest a panic button if she doesn't have one. My father fell one night in the bathroom and couldn't get up. He was there on that hard floor for hours until I woke and checked on him.

Good luck to you. It is hard, but you will never regret the time you give her.

[SheltieLover]

6. Do art with her!)

If she can't make the art, let her direct you or someone -- same effect in resolving end of life issues!

[SheltieLover]

7. Talk through life issues with her -- good & tough

Later, you will be glad you did.

And tell her how much you love her & appreciate all she has done for you.

[lostnfound]

8. That weird surreal feeling you have is grace. It's the rosy light.

And as you leave
You must know you are beloved
***
What a privilege. Painful but calling on our best selves, be filled with love and let it carry you.
***
Tell her so.
***
Mumford & Sons lyrics, “Beloved”

Sit enthroned in white grandeur
But tired and shift
A whisper of wayward silver hair
From your eyes
I'd never seen you unkempt before
As you whisper "Darling close the door"
How have I not made a note of every word
You ever said
And time, is not on our side
But I'll pretend that it's alright
She says the Lord has a plan
But admits it's pretty hard to understand
Before you leave
You must know you are beloved
And before you leave
Remember I was with you
Are you afraid
However could you not be
In this rosy light
This is strange
I see a hand come through the mirror
Pointing at the light
Pointing at the light we never see
As you put your feathered arms over me
Before you leave
You must know you are beloved
And before you
Leave remember I was with you
And as you leave
I won't hold you back beloved
We'll sit
And talk the stars down from the sky
And I'll not forget the chaos in your eyes love
And as you leave
You must know you are beloved
And as you leave
I can see the wild has come for you
And as you leave
I won't hold you back beloved
And as you leave
See my children playing at your feet

[Solly Mack]

9. No advice, really. Just sending you hope of strength and resilience.

[IGoToDU]

10. You all blow me away.

Never expected such a huge response. Touched beyond words. Sending all of you very big love.