Help

[Aerows]

I don't know what to do. My parents are 86 and 82 respectively and seem to think they are 40. The only 40 year old around is me. Unloading trucks, doing things that I'm really not capable of doing. I've lost 20 lbs. that I didn't have to lose, and my blood pressure was scary when I went to the doctor the other day.

I nearly broke my finger because my father, directing the "help" (me) waiving his cane wanted my 82 year old mother to cart some crap out of the back of the truck. Needless to say, I took over (at a moment's notice, mind you) and damn near broke my finger to get my mother out of the back of the truck.

I'm pissed, and expressed being pissed, then I am accused of being a piece of shit. Their words.

I'm going to have a stroke.

[NYC_SKP]

1. Over a period of years, I had to hire part time and then full time live-in help.

Driving privileges had to go, the helpers did the shopping, took them to appointments, etc.

This isn't an option for everyone, but their savings and retirement were able to cover the expenses.

But I, too, was called bad names, threatened, by my step-father but not my mom.

One of the first things I had to do, before they started getting too loopy, was create a family trust and obtain durable power of attorney to prevent them from making bad business deals, like giving away their car or getting into a sales contract.

Take care.

[Aerows]

3. I've been called every name in the book

because I can't just drop what I'm doing and rush to help. Then I do, and ... my finger gets fucked up, I curse, and suddenly I'm the devil, even though I showed up, the tailgate was dropped on my finger, and I get to enjoy the pain and ugliness of it being purple for a few months.

Yep, I'm a lazy, awful bitch, that doesn't give a shit. I think that sums up my personality when the second they call, I'm there. My sister, who lives 1500 miles away is roses, sweetness and sunshine.

Maybe I should just direct all of their calls and needs to her.

But I can't do that. I love them.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

2. Start with boundaries.

Don't let them shame or bully you into doing things that you are unable to or not your responsibility. When ever you can, pay someone to do what needs doing or get help from friends if possible. Recognize that you cannot control your parents, even of what you are trying to get them to do is for their own best interests.

I have been sole support for my Mom for decades, and I am now understanding that it is not within my power or capabilities to continue the way I have. I have recently been drastically changing how I approach the care of my Mom. I no longer put her first, myself second. I realized that if I am not in good shape, I cannot provide the appropriate type and amount of care for her.

[Aerows]

4. I'm not capable of a bunch of manual labor

My father wants to clean this and that out, and frankly, I have too much to do and I cannot sustain maintaining a job and back-breaking physical labor in the evening.

That's what got my finger nearly broken. No. Hire someone.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

5. I completely understand.

I grew up in a household full of women, and SOMEone had to learn to do the repairs around the house. I have spent 20+ years caring for my Mom's house, and every visit there is a "to do" list. I have been preparing my Mom's house for sale and doing insane things, like ripping out and renovating her bathroom. Did I mention that I am 54?

It finally dawned on me that I simply cannot not continue along this path -- my health, both physical and mental, will not allow it. So, it is time to bring in the handymen, even though money is seriously tight. It took a 1000 pound load off me.

Time for you to bring on the pros whenever you can.

[Aerows]

6. I've done the best I can

But today, this was the final straw. If you want someone to do back breaking labor hauling in 40 lbs. sacks of mulch, pick someone besides me. I weigh 110. I've lost 10 lbs. since they "retired and sold the business" because they are driving me crazy. I can't afford to lose any more weight, and my blood pressure, despite the haranguing and yelling at me because I am not perfect, won't stand it either.

[NYC_SKP]

7. There's a tendency for us to feel guilty, after years of wanting to be a good child,

...they can use this desire to their own ends.

I was expected to build a fire, to fix every damned thing that broke, never mind my own house, or was made to feel like a ungrateful child.

I realized that I had to let that go, I had to say no. And that's not easy.

And your sister, same here and with almost everyone I've met who's gone through this: one child always steps up.

My sister moved far away as things got worse and worse, not that she did that much while she lived closer, under an hour away.

My house is under a mile away. A nice young couple bought the folk's place.

[Aerows]

8. I've always stepped up

It's family - it is what you are supposed to do, but there are limits to what any one human being is capable of, and I think I've reached mine.

[Aerows]

9. Getting screamed at and told

I'm a piece of shit because I'm the one that was there, helping and got injured hurt me far more deeply than the physical one.

I do the best I can, but if I get injured because YOU fuck up and drop the tailgate on my finger while I'm hauling shit that there is no realistic way I am physically able to do, but try anyway, out of YOUR truck at your request, don't yell at me and pretend you are the injured party.

[NYC_SKP]

11. Going it alone is triple hard. Thankfully, I have a local God sister.

Who more than made up for my blood sister's lack of effort.

I hope there's someone now or who might come along soon that can at least bear witness to your pain and toil, not so much to help but rather to give you a hug or words of support.

[Aerows]

12. I'm having a rough time

I didn't mean to unload that much. Thanks for the reply, and for listening.

[Aerows]

10. I'm okay with going up on ladders

Changing light bulbs, doing plumbing, etc.

I'm simply not physically capable anymore (if I ever was) of lifting heavy loads.

I'll do, I'll help, I'll take out the trash. But expecting me to be able to keep moving large heavy shit is beyond my physical capabilities.

[Habibi]

13. How is it going, Aerows?

If I remember from the other thread (in GD), you were gearing up to tell them "No more". Were you able to do that?

And for the record? Calling you what they called you is beyond objectionable. They had no right whatsoever to do that.

[Aerows]

14. Better, I guess

They needed a new bedroom suite, so I went with them to help. Thankfully, they tipped the guys 20 bucks to take the old one away.

I put on the bedskirt, matress padd, etc. to help.

Dad wants to rework the king size headboard, so I had to carry the sawhorses and the headboard out so he can look at it.

I'm okay, but I keep getting roped into toting heavy shit, just so they don't hurt themselves. I weigh 108 now. What on earth will happen if I get hurt? My sister certainly doesn't give a shit.

[Habibi]

15. Well, as someone on the other thread pointed out,

"No" is a complete sentence.

I understand that you love them and want to help them. But, as you fully recognize, you are underweight and hypertensive, and you shouldn't be lifting stuff.

I suggest practicing saying "No, I can't lift stuff." If they decide to go it alone and try to do it themselves, that's on them. Stupid, but on them. At some point, elders who still have their marbles need to take responsibility for the fact that they need help, and overloading a daughter isn't the way to get it.

Look in the paper or online for a "no job too small" type of handyman, or call a local school or youth center or church (are they churched?) and try to find another helper for them. Seriously. You can't go on like this.

[Aerows]

17. I used the word NO.

My father's face fell, but I think he got the hint. "I'm taking mother to the grocery store so I do not have time. (I don't have time to lug out a saw, and get roped into a bunch of shit that involves moving heavy objects).

I took mom grocery shopping. I can handle that. I refuse henceforth of hauling shit that weighs 50 ibs. and back breaking labor, because I can't do it anymore.

Oh no, that was a HUGE no for me. I have always stepped up to the plate, but I can't anymore.

[Aerows]

16. I effectively used the word "NO"

today. "I am doing something else besides whatever project you had planned for me".

I don't know if I would have made it without all of you.

I said "no".

No I will not carry shit out of your garage, and no I will not get caught up in the shitstorm of carrying a bunch of shit and doing manual labor.