Elder mother-in-law refuses to move to assisted living

[groundloop]

My mother-in-law lives alone yet is becoming unable to care for herself. She has also been showing signs of dementia over the past two or three years, and is getting worse.

She is a very unhappy person, she will call my sister-in-law or wife 5 or 6 times a day just to complain about her life.

Everyone has been trying to convince her that she would be happier in a senior living home, she'd have people to interact with, play cards with, she could go on organized outings, etc. She refuses to even consider moving.

Can anyone offer their experience with a similar situation?



(I'd seen an ad on tv for a supposed 'advisor' to help seniors find senior living facilities. Luckily I did a little reading online and found a huge number of complaints indicating that this company is a blood sucker that bills families and facilities for a commission even if they performed no service.)

[beachbumbob]

1. check into the laws of your state is where you begin

[mopinko]

2. my advice is to put your foot down and move her now.

it only gets harder. making change is so hard to understand when you are losing your way w the present. the future is not a concrete thing any more.

i was mad at my sister when she moved my mom while she was in the hospital w a broken hip. but she absolutely did the right thing.

[janterry]

3. will she go to a senior center

you have lots of legal options to sort through
but this might be a small step in that direction. could you go with her for bingo or something?

eta: i have broken finger and can't type. but looking for ways to engage her and show her benefit of community w/o dragging her to a home (might come to that, tt)

[northoftheborder]

4. It's very difficult with some people.

My husband's very stubborn aunt, at the time when she was in danger staying by herself at home, had to be physically placed in the car when she reached that stage. Luckily everyone was supportive of the move, except the aunt!

[Jirel]

5. Fundamentally it's her choice.

Until she is declared incompetent by a court and a family gets guardianship (do NOT let any agency do that - they are killers who will drain accounts dry then dump their charge), it is her choice alone. You can talk at her all you want until then.

I have lost both my elderly parents and my husband’s. My father refused to let my demented mother wind up in a facility. She died at home. My mother in law was similarly cared for by her husband and hired caregivers until she had to go to hospice. My father in law had a serious talk with her the day she lost 20 minutes of time sitting, and could not get up herself. She understood the need at that point.

My father lived alone about 6 months after my mother died, then decided to move to a retirement community. I helped him until he died several months later. But he didn’t want the company, just the conveniences. He was as happy as he could be under the circumstances, and took a lot of strain off him physically. But again, HIS choice. He had to go see the awesome (and expensive) one I recommended before making the decision.

My father in law needed that, but refused. My husband and I talked to him about it a few times, but let it go. YOU CANNOT TALK AN ELDER INTO THAT CHOICE IF THEY DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR HOME, and nobody should harp on them about it. It’s not fair, and it just makes the relationship and stress worse. He too wound up in hospice after several falls, and passed a couple weeks ago.

It can go 2 ways. Either the elder realizes that they are not doing good things for themselves or family by insisting on living independently, or they wind up so unable to care for themselves that family does have to take the steps toward guardianship. Sorry - it sucks. But there’s no forcing the issue.

[dawg day]

6. It might be time to get custodianship-

It's a difficult situation, but you have her best interests at heart. Your wife and sister-in-law can ask the court for a custodianship and then do what needs to be done.

There's no good answer. And she will only get more infirm. It's very sad, but it's no one's fault.

[emmaverybo]

11. They will have to have proof she is unable to care for herself. If she or family has resources, at

home care and a medical alert system could give some peace of mind. An experienced home health aide—unless skilled nursing needed, a heath aide could do—can fix light meals, interact,
Keep tabs on mom, tidy.

Such at home help might not be needed 24/7.

In the meantime, share your observations with her doctor as needed. Due to confidentiality, Doctor can not share info without permission, but relatives can share their concerns with doctor—who might of course tell patient.

Be sure family is on the paperwork for Med proxy.

See if you can prevail upon your mom to get memory tested (tell Dr. you are worried, so maybe
Dr. will encourage tests) so if you need to step in you can. Also, see if your own Med insurance
offers caregiver advice.

I went round and round with my mom who refused in home care. I decided not to step in legally and risk our relationship. I understand better now that what can seem horribly stubborn, being a pain in the bum, is really a fight for one’s autonomy, one’s dignity, as one becomes more limited.

Living now in a house, mom’s, as I grow older, I can understand not wanting to go into a place and resisting smile taking the reins.

Sometimes I wish I had not argued over getting someone in. It became a moot point.

[Raven123]

7. There are no good options. Some facilities have Adult Day Care.

You can try to get her into one. You can get to know the facility and she might make new friends.

If you have not done so, consider consulting with an eldercare attorney. You need to know the laws in your state and the challenges you are facing. If your MIL is still legally competent, now is the time for the POAs (financial and healthcare), Wills, and financial planning.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t have a what if... conversation with our parents and then stumble our way through caregiving.

My thoughts are with you.

[enough]

8. I found in dealing with two parents with dementia (both now passed)

that in the early to mid stages it works to just be as helpful and present as you can. The awful reality is that the person who is refusing to go now, will pretty soon be going through things that will be so hard for them that they will be willing to go. They may even make the move without really realizing it.

Dementia sufferers are in the grip of a constantly changing situation. It will not stay the same.

In the meantime there is so much to do to find the right place for them and get all the legal and family issues straightened out.

[58Sunliner]

9. Have you tried adult day care? It might warm her to the idea of socialization with others.

Does she have assisted care now? Is she being treated? Unless she has been screened for dementia, don't assume because she is old she is showing "signs". She needs an evaluation with a geriatric doctor. Depression is common with elders. Other issues can mimic dementia as well and like dementia, can be treated. Good luck. I think the best place to start is with a thorough screening. She could have a B12 deficiency. Pretty common.

[LakeArenal]

10. We hired a local care giver assistance

And found a wonderful assisted living for my dad.

There’s help out there. Contact county social services. We found ours through an atty.

[3Hotdogs]

12. Things vary with the individual and which state.

Elder lawyer and municipal social worker are where to start.

Immediate concern is the person getting lost. Is it possible to place a locating/tracking device in her car if she still drives? Or in her wallet? Tell her its a good luck charm or whatever else works.

We hired a senior "advisor." Couple-a hundred bucks spent= useless.

Guardianship in N.J. required a psychiatrist's diagnosis.

We finally got her into "memory care" unit of assisted living when her tenant upstairs, came home at 2 am and found her in the driveway. She had her house key in her hand but didn't know how to use it to get in the house.

We took her for a "vacation" for her birthday. The staff led her into the memory unit and closed the secured door. From there, she lasted 10 years with psychological decline. She finally passed away at a V.A. facility.

For some people, the decline is fast. One guy, 52 years old, former lawyer, went into assisted living where my mother was. He died 2 months later. Typical lifespan is 2 - 3 years. Again, my mother declined over a 10 year period and died at age 98.

[Rebl2]

13. I had to

put my parents in a nursing home this year. I’m not well myself, and with the help of my husband we started talking to them last year about moving into assisted living. They could no longer care for their home and they wouldn’t let anyone come in and clean etc. My mom was still somewhat in her right mind when she realized how much of a toll it was taking on my husband and me. Unfortunately she became much worse at the beginning of this year and my dad, while my mom was in the hospital, fell and ended up there too. They had to go into nursing care at a nursing home. It’s not cheap and they will eventually have to go on Medicaid.

I guess my point is, if you have to, go to a lawyer and get something done. We went to an elder law firm and they have been a great help to us. Your mother in-law isn’t going to get better. Tell her what a toll it is taking on your family. Maybe that will get through to her she needs to move to assisted living. Let her know you aren’t going to move her there and abandon her and that you will come see her. Good luck.

[JudyM]

14. All excellent advice above by other DUers.

I’ve been down this road, too, as have friends of mine. One step at a time you can make progress... to warm her up to the concept... Often there are speakers or activities that you might be able to attend to get her in the door at a few of these facilities... see if there’s one she likes better than others, then emphasize how much easier her life will be, as well as yours.