trying to help/deal with, my almost 99 YO father...
I am frustrated and angry. He is in pretty good health, but he is taking care of his Parkinson's and demented wife and it's wearing him out. He's hurt his back lifting her.
I have researched resources, like getting respite care and he gets annoyed and refuses. He'd like me to help, but she is much too large for me to even attempt to lend an arm. I did once and she just about pulled me over. Not to mention, I am not qualified for such a task.
The exhaustion is wearing him out. He fell himself the other day. He fell on his face and needed stitches on his nose and forehead. He drove himself to the hospital, which I don't think was a wise choice to do. He was bleeding and he could have had an accident, fortunately, he didn't.
The other day he asked me to sit with his wife while he shopped for groceries. I drove up to his place, not a long drive, but an 18 mile round trip in hills and winding roads. After waiting around I asked him when he was going shopping, when he then decided he wanted to take his wife, which means getting a woman who can't walk, down a flight of stairs and into a car. I refused to go with him on that trip, which would have been a 3 hour ordeal in addition to my then added trip to my home.
He complained about how tired he is and I told him (again)he didn't have to do it he could get respite care. He then threw some things across the room and told me to get out.....I did. Actually, I was afraid of him because he was very abusive me as a child and he used to beat and he had "that look" in his eyes. He still is abusive verbally and emotionally. He tells the neighbors how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. To me it seems quite different.
I am looking for options, considering Adult Protective Services, which was advised to me by a senior facility.
His wife has children, but only one female, who is sick herself and not able to be a lot of help. The males are not much help at all.
I think he is also in some stage of dementia, and since his fall, it's accelerated. Neighbors think he's a great guy, but, of course, they don't see the side I see. He prides himself for being a "Superman". Advice is welcome.
I am a petite 74 year old female in pretty good health, but in no way capable of dealing with their physical needs.
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And I guess you'd have to be Superman to bite tires. 
It's obvious to the most casual observer that he needs help, but he's refusing it. You are doing what you can to help out, but you are (to coin a phrase) no spring chicken yourself and can only help so much.
Others have made some good suggestions. Adult Protective Services may be your best option.
People of his generation tend to be incredibly stubborn about accepting help, especially about anything connected to these aging issues. I think it's in large part because thirty or so years ago when their parents got old, the options were mostly awful, and too many of them went into dreadful nursing homes, something people like your dad is desperate to avoid.
For those of us somewhat younger (and I'm 68 myself), we've been through or are going through what you've described, and we are determined to avoid it ourselves. Meanwhile, people like yourself are still dealing with extremely elderly parents, and there's no good solution.
In such circumstances I would often advise someone to tell a person (your dad in this case) that you won't help out until he acknowledges that he needs help. That's so easy to say, and of course it doesn't address the very real family dynamics at work here. All you can do is to keep on pushing him to accept appropriate help.
I can only offer sympathy and compassion and hope it all works out in the end.
