Drove home from Mom's Assisted Living Facility in tears today

[Novara]

Tears of frustration. I know she has Alzheimer's and she can't help it. I'm mostly frustrated and angry at myself for being irritated by four hours of complaining, because I know she won't live forever and when she's gone I am going to beat myself up pretty harshly for my irritation.

How in the hell did I ever manage to take care of her 24/7 by myself? After just a few hours the first thing I do when I get in my car is shut the windows and let out a primal scream until I am hoarse.

Wow. I guess I needed to get that off my chest.

[marym625]

1. .

[Hoyt]

2. Been there, it is very tough. Wish there were something beyond support we could do.

Take care of yourself.

[NCarolinawoman]

3. Sunjay Gupta's latest installment, Weed 3

They showed a woman who was taking care of her husband with Alzheimers--he had become very difficult and cantankerous. After receiving medical marijuana, he became pleasant. It was explained that most likely this was due to a reduction in inflammation in the brain. Most of the show was spent on PTS syndrome--regarding soldiers. I don't know where you live. Wish your Mom could try this.

I hope they go into more depth on this and other diseases. They briefly touched on sickle cell disease and how helpful it was to a young woman in DC.

I am so sorry that you and your mother are going through this.

[samnsara]

13. MMJ

I am (suddenly!) the caregiver for my parents and I live in legal land. I have my own MMJ ( which I sneak in the bathroom of my parents house!) Good lord I'm 66 and still sneaking weed. Anyway.... my dad is slightly demented with aphasia..he cant hear me and I cant understand him..and I cant even imagine dad high AND trying to talk to me!

[Novara]

4. Thanks for the support

We do live in a state where medical cannabis is legal but I'd like to see some studies done before throwing another drug at her.

She isn't like this every day. Lately I've not been feeling well myself and I think it's made my short patience worse. I screamed at the cat for nagging me, so there's that.

I wish I could give myself permission to be irritated. It doesn't mean I love her any less.

Mostly I'm pissed that Alzheimer's turned her into someone else. Those of you who have a loved one with dementia - do you get pissed off at the disease?

[roody]

10. You could use some pot too.

[samnsara]

14. i too am interested in more studies...

[alcina]

5. Done the primal scream quite a few times

I found that shorter more frequent visits really helped reduce the frustration. She was obsessed about a certain topic that was pretty painful for me, and she would bring it up over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You get the picture. If you're in a position to do this, I highly recommend it. In my last few months living near her, I visited her daily for coffee -- either at her place or for a quick outing. That was sooo much easier than the 4-hour visits and outings I had previously tried.

Of course, now her Alzheimer's is much worse, and I'm 3000 miles away; so when I visit, I spend the whole day with her. She's a different person, and most of what she talks about is a life long before I ever knew her.

Yeah, this is one fucked up cruel disease.

One piece of advice given to me -- which I'll admit I still have trouble following -- is this: Don't beat yourself up for getting impatient or snippy. Praise yourself for being a loving child who makes time to visit the parent who raised you.

[Novara]

6. Thanks. It is such a cruel disease, isn't it?

Yesterday was a lovely spring day so I took her out for a drive and we got some ice cream on the way back. That really helped her mood. And mine!

I'm currently looking for a job so I spend time with her on a daily basis until I find employment and start working. The rest of my family is far away and I'm all she has here. So I feel obligated since I have time. I'm more than happy to spend that time with her on a good day but the bad days are BAD. But you already know this. I'm not resentful. I just wish the bad days weren't so irritating.

I'm constantly wracking my brain to think of things we can do together. The assisted living facility (ALF) she's in is wonderful. They have scheduled activities for the residents on a daily basis, and since she is shy, I am always pushing her into doing them. Otherwise she would sit in her room and complain that she's lonely. So I try to get her to engage with the others there, but her memory care unit is pretty small and several of the others are on her nerves. So often I try to use my time with her either helping her participate in the ALF's activities or doing something with her that allows her a break from the others. Does anybody have any suggestions for activities? I'm thinking of things like brain teasers, nostalgia games, that sort of stuff. She likes those types of mental stimulation activities. Also jigsaw puzzles, but they have to be small, simple ones - she used to be a complicated jigsaw puzzle master, but she sometimes can't understand how to put the simple ones together now. I need to get her some more puzzles. We've pretty much worked through all the ones the ALF has on hand.

[alcina]

7. Ice cream

My mother never ate many sweets when we were young, and she'll often say, "Oh, I never eat sweets," which is the intro line to asking for strawberry ice cream or "a bun"..."just this once." It's kind of cute, actually, though it occasionally leads to a disagreement when she asks for ice cream 30 minutes after she finished the last one. Then she'll accuse you of lying and get into a mood.

As for activities: My mom is 90 years old, and she'll tell you that she worked most of those 90 years. She didn't watch TV, she didn't play games. She worked as a nurse full time, she looked after her kids, she cooked, cleaned house, gardened, swam, and read. Now, while she'll tell you she still reads, she obviously can't follow a sentence to the end. Nonetheless, we stocked her bookshelf with titles she'd recognize and she's very proud of these. So one of our "activities" is getting her to tell us about the book she just read. It's all made up, but she enjoys sharing. We'll also ask her medical advice. She loves this, and she's usually still right about it. When she lived with me, she enjoyed helping me clean or make dinner, though it was more about the company than the work. Again, she was easily distracted. But folding laundry is something she can do and really enjoys. I think it's the tangible accomplishment. At the home she was in prior to this one, the caretaker (an amazing woman) would give her a basket of laundry to fold, take it away when my mom was done, and bring it back a few minutes later. My mom told me that the "poor woman has so much laundry .... I'm glad I can be useful to her."

And that's my point (took a long time to get there, I know): Everyone I've met in my mom's age group wants to feel useful. As most of us do. Making meaningless* crafts, playing trivial yet frustrating games, sitting in front of a TV does little for anyone's self-esteem. (*I say meaningless, because from what I've seen, the craft is chosen by the activities director and often has no significance to the people expected to do it.)

Anyway, if you can figure out what activities made her feel good about herself when she was younger, maybe you can introduce them in some modified form.

Ok. I'm going to stop now. I just got a new computer and I keep accidentally deleting what I'm writing. Yeah, I worry about the genetic aspect of Alzheimer's sometimes.....

[Novara]

8. Thanks for the ideas

Everyone I've met in my mom's age group wants to feel useful. As most of us do. Making meaningless* crafts, playing trivial yet frustrating games, sitting in front of a TV does little for anyone's self-esteem. (*I say meaningless, because from what I've seen, the craft is chosen by the activities director and often has no significance to the people expected to do it.)

This is it exactly. If I could figure something out related to what she did when she was working it would be a godsend. But she used to do payroll and HR stuff, and her cognitive ability won't allow her to do that anymore. Maybe I'll ask the staff about laundry baskets full of towels. At least that's "productive" busywork.

I'll keep trying.

[alcina]

9. Does she *believe* she's still capable?

If she's bored, then quite possibly. Since you're looking for a job, maybe you could ask her questions about HR, interviewing, salary negotiation? Maybe take her shopping and ask for advice on job interview clothes? Doesn't really matter if it's at all that relevant to you, nor whether her answers make any sense. But if she *believes* she's giving you useful advice, that might be a nice neutral topic. Of course, if she's as critical as my mom was with my sister, the advice might hit too many nerves.

Just a thought....

[samnsara]

16. adult coloring books...

...is another suggestion. They are actually Zen Doodle type and quite beautiful! I got one for my dad when he was in the hospital ( he was an artist in another life) and it kept him busy ...for a little while. If you join Elite Deals you can get a whole collection of the colored pencils for a cpl bucks.

[hitz]

11. I miss my Mom

My mother was diagnosed with dementia. I used to take care of her in the beginning but then as the disease progressed I knew that she had to get proper medical attention. She is now living in an assisted home living http://www.prestigecare.com/news.php?story=81 . Though I miss her terribly I know that she is well cared for now. I miss taking care of my mom.

[samnsara]

15. my mother is in short term rehab in Prestige....

...and I am not impressed with it. Shes just needing PT and OT and shes ready to check herself out.

[samnsara]

12. you need

....a hug!