Confused later in life

[limbicnuminousity]

I honestly don't even know if this is the right place to bring this up. Apologies if it's out of place.

Lost my virginity at 14 and it was consensual, so saying anything forty-some years feels "whiny." The partner was 24 and had been my babysitter as an infant. She was the neighbors daughter and her mother was my grandmother's drinking buddy.

In retrospect it was damaging and is probably a lot of the reason I self-identify as asexual. Can't blame her, but damn if I don't feel victimized years later.

[Karadeniz]

1. You were viictimized....

[MutantAndProud]

2. There is no standard timeline for recalling traumatic or disturbing events

I’ve had them partially emerge and instantly slip away and re-suppress twice before permanently being reintegrated.

The triggers are practically impossible to predict with precision, and our biology can sometimes wrestle with itself… is it more advantageous to remember significant dangers or suppress it to get by?

Before ~age 25 give or take you’re much less able to make perfect judgements at the best of times, add in positions of authorities and other factors which impact judgement and there are a lot of ways you can become a victim. Some victims compensate by ‘passing it on’ while badly dealing with their own trauma as well.

Every situation needs to be assessed individually but if you’re a victim you’re a victim regardless of what you choose to do about that. There are people doing this all over, it’s never wrong to try to talk it out with others. You said it was consensual but with the age gap it’s more likely you had partially developed enough to function but not really consent with someone in that situation that much older and in a position of authority over you as an adolescent.

[wryter2000]

3. I can blame her

A 14 year old can’t give consent. That was child abuse.

[limbicnuminousity]

4. That's sobering

Thank you three for the words of support. That's -- uncomfortable.

I may be viewing this forum quietly for a while.

[MutantAndProud]

5. It's a tough subject

But a necessary one. Stay and read or post as much as you need. I was reluctant to engage or use tools for a long, long time, but it’s worth it. It may not erase the pain or make the situation less complicated to deal with outside of your head but it’s a weight off to not lie to yourself.