I am asking for a bit of support today.
As many of you well know, I am a non-believer, 'atheist' if you will, and am not a part of any organized religious groups even though I practice many Buddhist teachings and have been involved with my ancestral Ocha traditions here locally.
One thing I do value in religion is the community support in times of both great joy and great sadness. Today I am struggling with mortality. My father is in his late 80's. He has had heart problems for decades now. I know the reality of his death is coming sooner rather than later.
After Christmas, he got the flu despite receiving this year's vaccine. He suffered through it only to end up with bronchitis. The day before New Year's Eve, he went to his new PCP. With all of the changes in medicare and the ACA, he had to leave a practice with MD's that worked with him for well over 15 years. This new MD listened to his lungs and said you will be fine and sent him home. The next day he went into the ER unable to breath. He spent New Year's there and was discharged Saturday. Today I received a call that he is back in the ER and soon to the ICU. My sisters and mother are certain that this is his time. I am not but that is another story.
His cardiologist said he should not have been released, of course. He is finally now on antibiotics as he has developed pneumonia, of course. He has internal bleeding and is receiving blood transfusions and is of course on oxygen. I can not just pick up and fly across the country to be with my family at this time due to my own work and health concerns. I feel a mixture of anxiety, guilt, and deep sadness. No matter how much I know the reality of death is ever present, I still can not yet wrap my mind around losing my father.
He has been such an important role model in my life. He was born a bi-racial marriage and in the 1960's married my white mother in the south. They marched for civil rights together and have been very active in their church for decades especially with regards to LGBT civil rights as my youngest sister is lesbian.
I feel that this is not the time, and I can not know that for sure. If they can find the source of the internal bleeding and stop it, he is strong willed and can recuperate - this time. And there are so many variables that I can't see or predict from more medical incompetence to just a body too old and frail to fight off death any longer.
I am posting here for a kind word and some support from many who I have never met yet feel some intimate connection with.
Thank you for listening. 
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It is hard to be away from family in these situations. All you can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
You play it by ear at the moment and just do a wait and see approach.
My thoughts and prayers for all of you.
I have to remember how fortunate I am that I got to take my S.O. to visit my family last year for almost two months. We had such a wonderful visit. I got to do things that I remembered so fondly from my youth with my dad that I wasn't sure I would get to do again. He and I used to take long walks for hours just talking away about religion, philosophy, life, whatever. I got to do that again last fall by the lake near his retirement community. It was wonderful.
I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers!
I'm not sure how I could help you, but I want you to know that I care and that you, your father and family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
and see words of support and encouragement keeps me from feeling totally helpless and lost emotional.
That is more than enough and I thank you.
Uncertainty is painful. There really is a level , though, on which we are deeply aware of those we love, regardless of distance or lack of information. Continue to hold your dad in your heart and listen to what it tells you.
As others have said, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. We're here for you.
I am very much a man of thinking and sense reality. I remain open to so much in life because I am confronted by mysteries like intuition and creativity that I can't explain. And frankly I don't want to.
I feel deeply that it is just not his time. Will it be soon? Yes, certainly. He and I both know this. So I am holding on to that hope and trust right now. I won't be devastated if I am wrong. I will be elated if I am right.
That is a wonderful and very apropos quote. I never had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Mays or Dr. King though both of my parents did. I was fortunate to meet Dr. Bond and Rev. Young many times growing up.
My father is a great man in my eyes. He was not a politician or a minister. He was a simple professor at a small college in the south. He taught young men and women for 35 years. He inspired those kids daily. He inspired me and still does. I had to leave when I was in my late teens. He stuffed money into my hands, gave me a hug, and said go find your own path and dreams. Little did he or I know then that I would be so far away from him and the rest of my family for so many decades. First with the military and then settling out west with a practice and teaching myself.
My S.O. and I have plans to move closer to the family this year. I just hope that he will still be alive when we are able to do so.
I greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
This is hard -- not knowing, having something happening with your parents, feeling not exactly helpless but definitely not sure of things. I am GLAD for you that you have had this amazing relationship with your father. You have many memories to treasure. I know you believe that your love for your father and his for you is real. I hope that is enough. I am praying now for you as I type. May you be surrounded by all the love you have experienced over the years. Your dad is an amazing man. He lived with courage.
Keep us posted, please.
I am very happy. Some would say blessed, I simply say that fate dealt me both good and bad. One of the best is my father. I have seen so many sons with such profound relationship problems with their dads. I thankfully never had those. We rarely if ever fought even during my terrible teen years. He and my mother have always been there for me and my younger sisters. I miss them all very much especially today.
November 25, 2011 - An old man was found dead in the waiting hall of a train station in Taiyuan, the capital city of North China’s Shanxi Province. Among his fellow passengers was a Buddhist monk/
http://www.urbandharma.org/kusala/dad.html
Every time he thinks of you, he is not alone.
I do believe, though, in the spirit of man. Wishing strength for you and your father in this difficult time.
I believe in that amazing sense of self that can create amazing things, fight for those in pain, will ourselves through adversary, and longs to live deeply and passionately.
Thank you.
I am actually rather awe-struck at how wonderful this community is. I needed this kind of support today and probably for a short while.
Sadly, it is just myself and my girlfriend here. All of my remaining family are in the DC area with my parents. My S.O. is by her own admission more like my father - an agnostic mystic. She also considers herself a witch, and asked me if I minded earlier if she did some magic for me. I don't need to believe or disbelieve in the outcome of such actions. All I needed to know is that she loves me dearly.
So while she naps, I am sending her a little love card to let her know how much I am glad she is here with me through all of this. She and my family truly love each other.
See my reply to Rug for a short update.
Yes, Blake is another of our favorites. That is a touching poem, and I appreciate your prayers greatly.
most of the time -- except when we have no choice, as with you, now.
I hope you can pull some strength from the awareness of all that your father has meant to you, and how much he'll always be a part of you. That much we can all believe in.
I do wish that I could be in denial about this, I really do. I have seen too much death in so many ways that I know it comes for us all eventually.
It is good being able to share, especially at DU, how important my father is in shaping not only my views but so many other young minds that he taught.
Thank you so much.
My only wish for you is that you find some way to go visit with him as soon as you are able.
This is so often how things go with the elderly. When young, you can shake off a cold, but as you get older the possibility of complications increase and can happen very suddenly.
He sounds like a wonderful man and it helps me to understand why you are who you are. I am glad he has your mother and sister right now.
Thanks for sharing this.
I wish we could just hop on a plane later tonight. Unfortunately, with my health issues, I would make myself very sick trying to do so. I know he and my mom both understand this. We are planning on moving as soon as we possibly can, and we will go visit as soon as we can before the move.
He has suffered from severe cardiac problems since birth. He was born with a heart defect. Modern science, fate, and a strong will has given my father 80+ years of life. I am very much my father's son - willful, sometimes way too assertive, a deep love of learning and teaching, and a fighter against injustice.
I am more hopeful after the recent messages that he will pull through this one, and yes, being as elderly as he is, a simple flu can be deadly.
I'm an atheist too so I won't pray for you but here's a virtual hug.
Thoughts and virtual hugs are perfect.
for you and your father and your family.
It was wonderful being able to speak with him even if all he could do was listen to me yammer on about staying strong and that I love him. 
Sending you both positive vibes.
That means a lot right now, and I greatly appreciate it.
Peace to you and your father, TM99. 
I really appreciate it.
He sounds like a great man - your admiration and respect for him shine through in your writing. I hope he pulls through and the two of you can have more time together.
I think I see him as a great man even if he was just a simple educator.
I have always been fortunate that my father has always respected me as much as I have him. Not all of my male friends can say that sadly. Even when he did not agree with my choices, like going into the Army, he fully supported me. I have faith for the lack of a better word that this is not his time. I will keep focused on that for as long as it takes for us to spend at least one more in person day together.
So sorry. Stay strong and don't let your resistance down. After weeks of stress, this flu bug was not a welcome addition.
I know how profoundly sad I feel today not knowing if he is dying or will live through the week and further still. I don't want to image that pain yet.
I have to watch my health and that is one reason why I am not able to just fly out tomorrow. I have not gotten the flu, and I am willfully determined not to get it this year. One of us men in the hospital is enough!
Thank you for your kind words.
First of all, checking in - just anyway.
Second, this makes me think back to the night my mother died. My dad left years earlier, but she passed in late 2006. I could not share about my dad's death with DU - I wasn't even a member yet and had not even heard of DU back then. But I posted about my mom's passing that night.
I was OVERWHELMED. Literally. People here were just beyond the beyond. They were SO loving and sympathetic - and empathetic, too. First one, then a few more, then dozens - by the time the last person had posted, the count was somewhere around 300! People comforted me and embraced me and reassured me and mourned with me and kept me company. Helped keep me balanced through a very difficult week, what with the funeral and other mop-ups and all - arrangements it fell to ME to take care of and coordinate and oversee. I won't EVER forget that. Not possible! It was like an online wake. It meant The WORLD to me. THE WORLD!!! The companionship and consolation that flowed toward me washed over me like a tidal wave.
I will NEVER forget that. I will always feel a great love for DU and all DUers because of that. They're the family you never met and weren't actually related to. Stay close during this terrible and heavy time, dear TM99, and keep us close. Don't hesitate to share how you feel, what you're going through. Don't feel as though you're being annoying or unreasonably hogging attention. So many people here have had to face that same vigil - when an aging or very sick loved one is facing his or her last days. So many people here will, and can, and definitely do understand that special agony you're feeling now. So many of us have walked this path. And there's always somebody around to reply, if and when you need it. As our own Skittles once said - "someone's always here." Indeed, there are MANY pairs of strong and sturdy shoulders here for you to lean on - when you need it most.
Don't forget that.
DU will buoy you up.
What a wonderful reply, thank you.
I debated sharing this, and I am glad I did. I have been home all afternoon by myself. I needed some support even if just virtual.
This community is amazing. Hell, there can be some serious debates and even unkind words, and yet, what a group, eh?!
I will stay close and keep y'all updated. I need this support myself. I am pretty isolated due to my own health and my work requires boundaries where it just wouldn't be appropriate to share my feelings right now.
Thank you so much for just being here.
and that would be a convenient lie.
Pops had the second attempt at stemming the bleeding ulcer earlier and outside of needing more blood, he is at least still very stable. Now, if that doesn't work, and he must undergo a more extensive surgical procedure to stop the bleeding ulcer, then I just don't know if he is strong enough to survive that.
So I am up and down. I am sanguine and focusing on life and work here one moment, and then I am quite anxious, sad, and distracted another.
I do appreciate so much genuine concern and support I am getting here. That makes it somewhat easier. Thank you!
It was a rough night but there is good news.
The endoscopy found a bleeding ulcer - likely from the medication. That coupled with the pneumonia, CHF, mild kidney dysfunction, and his age was a deadly combo.
He has responded well to the blood transfusions. They have clamped off the ulcer and his blood pressure is slowly returning to normal. He is on high dosages of antibiotics. His cardiologist is also monitoring now his heart meds accordingly.
My mother felt confident enough to actually go back to the apartment to get some much needed rest so that is good.
He is not out of the woods yet and certainly has a long road to recovery if he can make it through the coming week. They are saying at this point that he will be in ICU for at least the remainder of this week. Then he will get a regular room for a week or more. After that they will send him to a rehab facility for a period of time, and then hopefully he can get back home to my mother.
Last year, he had a bad leg infection that required a short hospital stay and about two weeks in rehab so he and mom have experience with that facility and staff already. They were excellent, offered great rehab, and allowed constant family visits.
Emotionally, mom is doing a bit better. She has her minister there, and he has been a stalwart companion for the last 48 hours. I have met him, and he is a really good man - deeply spiritual and very empathic. My youngest sister is handling it well and will stay at the apartment with mom until he is at least in the regular room if not rehab.
My other sister is not. Sadly she is a DC politico, an alcoholic (not in recovery!) and rather estranged from our mother (also an alcoholic but in recovery). She does not agree with 'heroic' measures even though that is what both my parents want at this time. She tried to muscle in at the hospital but thankfully the minister neutralized that problem. I am planning on calling her later this morning to encourage her to back off and let mother deal with this as our father wants. Hopefully we won't argue too much.
Thank you for all of the replies - even from those I have on Ignore and can't read but do see. I have shared with my mother that so many here were thinking of us and praying for us. That really made her feel good. I will update as I know more. Hopefully he will make it through this so that we can move there and have some remaining time with him before he does die.
Great! I hope he gains strength and momentum. Many hugs to your mom. AND to your sister.
There's always family "stuff" at times like these. Kinda like the boxes you have to trip over while you're either putting up or taking down the Christmas decorations. Or the toys and shoes and sippy cups littered all over the floor when you have a small child. It's just "stuff." It happens with every family. I don't know one family that doesn't have at least a small amount of it. Part of the human condition, I think. Don't let it get to you. She's worrying because she wants your dad well and healthy, or perhaps she prays for safe passage. Either way, she wants what she feels is best for him at this moment - how-ever one defines that.
I remember reaching the point - with BOTH my aging and ailing parents AND my sweet dear mother-in-law as she was fading away. There came a moment when I didn't know what to pray for - healing and recovery? Or safe passage? I guess that's part of it, too. For me, by the time that realization came, they were each so far gone that it would have taken a Lourdes-type miracle to reverse that downward trend. For you? Maybe the happier turn of events? Hope so! You have such a wonderful and still loving and sustaining relationship with your parents - we shall all hope that can extend for as long as possible! What's sadder is when that kind of loving and no-strings-attached relationship is not there - or no longer there. Leaves a real dilemma in the soul. It's really sad to see as I have witnessed, personally.
So glad that's not your situation!!!
Much love and many hugs - to ALL of you!
I am so happy right now. I just got a call from my sister who was able to let my father speak to me over the speaker phone. He could barely do anything other than mumble, but he sounded good for what he is still going through. And, you are right, even if he dies this week, or next month, or years from now, I am simply enjoying each and every experience with him and allowing him to let me know when enough is enough. For now, it is not for him, so I am right there beside him encouraging him to fight on.
I spoke to my sister, and we have always been very close. So big bro was able to ask her to back off without her feeling too unheard or pushed. That was a welcome thing today.
I remember my mother's father getting to that place you describe at the end of his life. I was not with my family as I was away at college, but I remember them telling me that they allowed the MD to administer morphine in such a way as to ease his suffering and allow the death he knew and was ready for was inevitable.
I appreciate your warm thoughts and hugs!
This is such great news! May you and your dad have many, many good times together
before he takes his journey.
I've lost both parents and my husband. All I can tell you is to be thankful for the time you've had with him. Not everyone is blessed with wonderful people in their lives.
I hope he recovers and you have many more years together.
That is a lot of loss that you have dealt with as well. It is precious the time we get with any and all that we love. I definitely agree with your thoughts on that.
Yes, I agree.
Even before my father's latest health set-backs, I have felt that pull to connect with my father's deep familial roots. It led me to explore La Regla Ocha and Palo Mayombe more intimately even though I am hardly a 'believer'.
But it is about a tradition passed on from generation to generation full of stories, songs, moral teachings, mystery, and life & death.
I am of the age that I know the time of both of my parent's passing is nigh. I can say I am making peace before it comes, and yet, I know I won't truly until I am grieving in my own way the end of one and the beginning of something else.
I still owe you a PM, so please forgive my tardiness. I have been frightfully busy and distracted. And I look forward to our next conversation as we do share much in common.
Thank you.
At my request given concerns by my family with several doctors on my father's team, their minister got involved & likely saved my father's life.
The second surgery on the ulcer was successful. He was unable to eat though due to some unknown throat issue. Several doctors simply suggested that it was time for him to die. It was not.
After a new team came on board, a CT determined there was no stroke. A barium study did determine that he had a epiglotal spasm that prevented him from swallowing. They expected it to resolve but due to the ulcer they could not give him a feeding tube. They instead gave him IV feeding. Within 2 days, he was strong enough to fight off the pneumonia. His ulcer surgery has held and there is no further bleeding. They have advised that the risk of stroke is lower than the risks of more ulcers so he is off the cumodin permanently.
He has been downgraded from critical and has left the ICU as of Friday. He will be in a rehab facility by the end of this week. He is stronger and very alert. His voice is returning as is his ability to swallow and now eat. We had a difficult but necessary family phone conference this morning about the fact that my mother is simply to old herself to care for my father even if he bounces back from this critical period. Thankfully they planned ahead for this and the senior apartments they live in has an elevated care assisted living facility attached via a separate wing. He will likely move into a single room there post rehab. My mother can literally walk through the second building and then through to the adjacent wing to see him any time they desire. I know he would love to go back to their apartment together but sadly, I fear that will not be a reality now.
My S.O. and I will plan at least a visit after the flu season dies down some in the coming months. While there we will also look for a place to live with more earnest. I have accepted that 'not this time' but 'soon' is coming. I want the chance for us to spend the last months or years together if we can make it happen.
I may not check in a for a short while. The level of poutrage on DU has become a bit much for me given what we are going through. I will touch base when I am able but starting Monday, I feel I need a break from this place.
Thanks y'all.
I need at least a week off until this Paris thing chills down and GD no longer allows posts on religion again.
I sit in a chair and listen to people rage, rant, cry, express, complain, etc. on a daily basis. They are hurting from wounds both real and perceived from their pasts. I do not mind my work at all. But I do need a break from it so I don't get burned out.
Coming here can be that break. But too often here recently that same rage, ranting, complaining, etc. is just becoming toxic. The pain, the hurt, and the rage are real and very often so justified. BUT...here at DU are allies. These are people who ultimately agree on social changes, economic realities, etc. Right now, however, people are just venting their spleens at those who were not the source of their hurt but are very easy targets.
I could take the time to trash threads, put more on Ignore, blah blah blah, or I can just take a short break until it simmers back down to a low boil. My emotional state is a bit fragile right now with all that my family is going through, and I just don't have the resources to not let it affect me. I am not even a religious believer, but I have gotten sick of the just venomous bile hurt and angry people are throwing around here at DU right now.
I'll be back but after I answer a few lingering to-do PM's, I need a short break.
I am glad you got to speak to him a few days ago. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
So sorry.
That is tragic. 
Yes, I guess I am a bit emotionally numb right now. I just got the call that he was transferred to a local hospice late this afternoon. The end is nearing.