The death throes of the ego interspersed with grace- that's what I'm going through.

[Tobin S.]

It's a lot more death throes than grace at this point, but the fact that there is grace is very promising.

For the first time in my life I really have a good picture of the ego dying off as presence within me grows. It's really tough, though. I feel rotten a lot of the time and it just seems like this is taking so long. This all started when I was 20 years old and I'm 45 now.

Any tips? I'm going to church every Sunday now and reading both Eastern and Christian philosophers. Sharon Salzberg, a Buddhist meditation teacher, is a treasure. In her new book, entitled Real Love, she told me how to create compassion for myself and my predicament. That has helped ease my mind somewhat.

Also, do you think the problem of a detrimental ego is mainly a male problem? I think women can be susceptible to such a thing, but it's rare, and the problem seems much more prevalent in men to me.

[The River]

1. Sounds Like

you're standing in a river and dying of thirst.
There is no ego to transcend.

Paths Beyond Ego

[Tobin S.]

3. Thank you. I'll check out the book. n/t

[vlyons]

2. It's all about point of view

Women's minds work just like men's minds.

Everything you think is subjective, although it SEEMS real. And that my friend, is the illusion. Just enjoy your life and be helpful to others, when you can. The ego is a fiction. Meditate on the 5 skandas, and understand that they are completely empty. Read and study the Heart Sutra. Stop telling yourself how miserable you are and maintain a cheerful attitude.

"Avaloketheshvara, while practicing deeply
the insight that brings us to the other shore,
Sudddenly discovered that all five skandas
Were completely empty.
And realizing this, he overcame all ill-being."

[Tobin S.]

4. Getting past the illusion is what I'm talking about.

There are moments of clarity and there are moments when I'm caught. I read a little article on the five skandas. Thanks for the recommendation and the poem.

[vlyons]

5. I'm not certain that ego ever goes away.

Sometimes realizing that mind is running its habitual number is the best I can do. Then I laugh and say "silly me. Just thinking." It wasn't a poem. It was a stanza from the Heart Sutra. You will only get so far on the Buddhist path, unless you can generate compassion and understand emptiness.

[grantcart]

6. Here are some tips

This is the best teacher I have found in English

Phra Bhuddadassa

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhadasa

If you can visit Escondido there is a very peaceful place where you can stay free (bring a sleeping bag) and consult with English speaking monks who have spent decades going down the path you are now going:

https://www.watmetta.org/

People come all around the world, especially Europe to get direction here.

[Tobin S.]

7. Thank you! n/t

[ellenrr]

8. I don't think how one copes with the demands of ego is gender-specific.

The first sentence of your post describes me too.
It feels like after 2 1/2 years of daily meditation practice the layers of the onion are peeling back.
It's not all wonderful. I feel a lot of pain and loss and grief and suffering.
I also feel like clarity is peeping out, like the sun peeps out on a cloudy day. Like I know clarity is there.
It's a struggle for sure. But I'm glad to be at this point. I feel like for so much of my life I was totally unfree, acting out on the basis of subconscious impulses.

Wondering if you have a meditation practice?

[Tobin S.]

9. Yes, I meditate.

The OP was written 5 months ago. I'd forgotten about it until you responded to it. A lot has taken place since then.

I'd not found traditional meditation to work well for me. I ran across sound recordings from a company called Sacred Acoustics, and the sound recordings they make have worked very well for me. I just lay back in the corpse pose, stick the headphones on, and listen in.

If you'd like to discuss this more shoot me a PM. I'm worn out right now. I might have something better to say tomorrow. Or maybe the Buddha might say its better that I don't have much to say.