what we owe ourselves vs what we owe others
I know this is a low activity forum, and my post is long,
but if anyone has a comment I would appreciate it.
I keep thinking about this:
Yesterday I was sitting in a spot in the park, where I sit in the sun, there are birds and trees.
I bring some coffee, an apple, a book.
Yesterday was a surprisingly warm day for Nov, I was really enjoying sitting by myself.
Plus, I had just come thru a difficult emotional period, and I was really relishing the feeling of peace I had and I was enjoying being by myself.
so suddenly someone walks up behind me, it is someone I've known for years.
For the last couple of years he's been on anti-depressants and is, as they say, "low affect".
ie. he mostly does not talk, except he will answer questions. (one word or two).
Sometimes I invite him to go for a walk because a) I don't think he gets out very much and he likes to be with people, and b) altho someone who doesn't say a word, sometimes it can be somewhat nervous-making, but on the other hand sometimes it can be relaxing not to deal with someone's chatter. c) because he is my friend.
So yesterday, he sat down next to me on the grass.
I did NOT want him there. I didn't want to be sociable with anyone.
So I tried to think what to do -
make up a sudden appointment, and leave? I didn't want to bec. I really like this location, and besides in another hour, the sun would be setting.
I really couldn't say "I'd like to be alone", could I?
Could you?
I think that would be very hurtful....
so I waited. I asked him if he minded if I continued to read my book cuz it was such a good mystery book. He said he didn't, so I did.
But I couldn't read, cuz i kept thinking, "Gee I wish I could be alone"
anyway... in about 15 minutes he left, but I been thinking ever since--
sometimes it is a difficult balance-
between one's own needs and others'.
I know for him, the best outcome would have been, if I had initiated conversation with him. But conversation with him is a one-person endeaver, and I just was not in the mood to make that kind of effort.
= new reply since forum marked as read
your feelings. If, or when, I truly want to be alone (I find myself wanting this more and more as I age), I stay away from places where I could be bothered. That's hard when you have to deny yourself the park, for instance. Maybe if you had said to your friend, "I'm not good company today...and need to be alone" you wouldn't be second guessing yourself. 
encounters I ever had-
a long time ago, someone I knew slightly asked me if I wanted to hang out.
I said I was on my way to a park, to read and write, but if she wanted to come with me that would be fine.
She did, and sat doing whatever,in silence, while I did my thing.
then when we left, she told me she had written a poem about me and about America (she was from another country) and it was sweet. 
This is pretty rare in my experience, in our outer-driven society.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
