Are you a loner because you are sensitive?

[TBA]

I recently tried getting out but I think I'm just too sensitive. People seem to cause me too much emotional pain. I wish I didn't care but I do. Being home just seems safer and much less stressful.

I worry sometimes that my social world is too small. Its just me, my two adult children and one grandson. Occasionally I do see a friend.

You would think at my age I would have figured it all out...

[Manifestor_of_Light]

1. It depends on the people I am around.

If I am around people I have nothing in common with, like the people in the town I live in, then I do not want to socialize with them, and the things they say will dismay me. They are Christian conservatives who love to talk about God and all the things they are obsessed with.

If I am around people who are interested in the same things I am and are knowledgeable, then I can enjoy discussing those subjects with them. To do this I have to drive to the city which is an overnight stay, and see my friends who are into those subjects.

My husband needs someone to talk to about his favorite subjects. He tells me about what he is writing papers on and I really can't talk about it because it's highly specialized and takes at least four years of college to understand.

When I was a kid I was lonely because my parents were jailers. They tried to terrorize me by chasing me down the sidewalk with a bamboo switch if I WENT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE to play with the other kids on the block. My mother called that "running off" like it was a mortal sin.


I could not have sleepovers, because we didn't have an extra bed, because of my mother's hoarding taking over the third bedroom. I couldn't have birthday parties and invite my friends to them. So I'll go to the city and talk to people who are interested in these subjects. Got to get my culture in the city.


The people where I live have no curiosity and no interest in culture. Even if they went to college, they are still right wing conservatives. Fox News viewers. A few years ago when they had Simpsons stamps at the post office, I got some and asked the people in line, "Do any of you watch The Simpsons? Do you ever watch this show?" and all I got were blank looks and "no"s. Apparently in small town rural America they don't know about this show.



It's not as simple as introvert/extrovert.

[TexasTowelie]

3. Yes, small town life in Texas is the pits.

I realize this is a melancholy piece, but I have a feeling that you either heard it or played it before.

[applegrove]

2. I only wanted to socialize with good

friends when I was younger. Even then I needed muxh downtime. And it was because I was so sensitive. Now I have ptsd. So added to being very sensitive I relive the worst moments of being stalked when something reminds me of the situation I could not get out of, I need a very routine and solitary life. If I had been married when the stalking started, I would be divorced. I need hours and hours alone to build up my strength. Thankfully I am happy alone. And I can avoid triggers because I am alone. I don‘t know what people do who are in a relationship when they suffer from ptsd. Must be really hard. All in all I was doing the exact right thing for myself when I was young and sensitive and was trying to live a very quiet life. That was the exact right life for me to live.

[hollysmom]

4. Sorry, I need to check the group, I tend to forget to do that. My fault.

Last edited Tue Nov 24, 2015, 03:59 PM - Edit history (1)

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[dixiegrrrrl]

5. Being around people saps my energy.

Not in a painful way, but in a weary way.
Now that I do not have to socialize much, I am quite comfortable enjoying my oodles of solitude.

This whole thing about "socializing" is a false standard. TV really feeds into the idea that being around a lot of people is "normal".

Nope...being an introvert/extrovert is on a spectrum of behaviors.

Happily, the internet gives us many more options for being social.

[LWolf]

19. That's it.

The energy drain.

[RKP5637]

25. It definitely is!!! They wear me out! n/t

[Manifestor_of_Light]

6. Internet friends are not the same as real life friends.

I've had more than one internet "friend" cut me off on the grounds of trivial issues. So has my husband, for things like making jokes about football. He didn't go to his high school reunion last summer because he didn't think we would have anything in common with most of the people there. Because most of them are conservative Christians. A few of the people would be cool and get along with everybody but I don't think it was worth spending the money.

Spending all your time talking on the internet is not healthy, in my opinion. I understand about weariness from being around other people. I've had it myself and had to be alone for a while.

Besides, I had to go see my favorite astrophysicist when 1/2 of Queen came through town (Brian and Roger) with Adam Lambert singing.
That was more important in my scheme of things.

[BlueJazz]

21. "Besides, I had to go see my favorite astrophysicist" Sounds like something I'd do.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

22. I've also seen my second favorite astrophysicist.

Went to hubby's college for a benefit for the library where Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson was speaking.

Hubby decided we needed to go to that one. That was a lot of fun and I actually got to meet Dr. Tyson!

[BlueJazz]

23. Wow. I'd love to meet Dr. Tyson. He seems like such a warm easy-going type of person.

He's become quite a star which is great for us nerds.

I did meet Max Tegmark. Great fellow!

[Manifestor_of_Light]

24. Yes, he is nice. Always ready for his close up, Mr. deMille.

And he's very encouraging. Hubby told him about the topics he wanted to do his master's thesis on, and how he was thwarted, and Dr. Tyson said, "We'll never know how many great ideas were murdered in their cradles."

I will have to look up Max Tegmark.

Brian May, Ph.D. (my avatar) did his song about time travel called "39" as part of a short acoustic set. He talks about relativity. I told my hubby, a physics major with a master's degree, "Think of it (the Queen concert) as a lecture on relativity with a lot of other Queen music around it".

I have figured out from living with a physicist for 21 years that his favorite song is "The Galaxy Song" from The Meaning of Life.

[Nay]

8. I am certainly that way. People can easily hurt me, too. I just don't want

many entanglements at all. I'm happy with son and grandson and a few friends.

When I was a child, it was a constant source of pain for me to try to fit in; I just wasn't terribly interested in what most kids were interested in, plus I was not assertive at all. The latter allowed me to be intimidated and embarrassed easily, and to be taken advantage of easily. None of that makes a kid get good feels about the human race, let me tell you. And then, being a girl/woman, the whole deal with men was often disturbing or horrific. Just realizing that lots of men considered me to be a [insert body part here] to grab is quite demoralizing. I truly did want to be a human being first, rather than some hole to f**k, but.....I didn't get to choose how men felt.

TBA, you HAVE figured it out. You just don't want many people around you! I'm the same way! I danced a jig when I finally retired and no longer had to deal with work and its personalities all day. It was exhausting. People are exhausting. There's no shame in feeling that way and wanting to stay away.

[Michael_wood]

9. Practice Meditation

I really don't know whether you would like it or not but instead of being alone practice meditation, self-hypnosis, and/or daily affirmation. These practices would help you to maintain calmness and positive outlook. You could say something like, "I am protected from negative energies around me. I feel safe and calm."

[ellenrr]

27. I practice meditation,

I find it helps me stay positive
--not that I don't still ruminate and obsess!

but I do it less.

[Taitertots]

10. Almost no one wants to talk about/do the stuff

That I like talking about/doing. Almost no one knows enough about it to have a meaningful discussion.

[bemildred]

12. +1.

That's the problem, been that way since grammar school I think.

[Taitertots]

13. It was worse in grade school

But it got better during college.

[RKP5637]

14. Definitely it was far better in college for me. n/t

[bemildred]

15. Yep, since second grade or so. nt

[bemildred]

11. Partly.

I think you are fine, just maintain those relationships, see them regularly.

My wife does most of my social life, and my offspring. I'm a lot healthier for the lower stress.

[RKP5637]

16. I'm very sensitive, I feel everything around me. It's always been sort of strange. I'm not

sure if I'm a loner or not and I'm often very outgoing. ... but I do find people stressful and I've had some emotional pain in my life. Same here, "You would think at my age I would have figured it all out..."

[chknltl]

17. I have been very reclusive my entire life, don't know why.

I am now 60, last couple of years the good doctors at the VA Mental Health Center at American Lake have helped me to understand that I am manic/depressive but I don't see how that made me into the loner I am and always have been. It is likely a contributing factor.

I am very phobic about being around groups of people where I am expected to interact for longer than a few minutes. For about a decade I enjoyed my time as a local band photographer, got to hear some incredibly talented artists but always ALWAYS I found excuses to not interact with them for longer than I felt comfortable with. Hanging out with them was always awkward for me, I'd generally pass the time just prior to gigs cleaning my gear or finding a place to be alone.

I even get the heebie-jeebies when I am with a friend for any length of time. Note my use of the word friend here, although there are a very few people I would call 'friend' and I would miss them dearly should they be gone from my life, I find it very difficult to be around them for longer than about an hour before I start looking for an exit.

This phobia extends to my own family members, some of who have tried hard to keep a relationship with me. I live within a half hours drive of a sister, love her dearly but wouldn't think to visit her, the very thought scares the hell out of me. I don't think I have seen this sister in over a decade.

You have asked for folks to describe if being sensitive contributes to their being a loner. In my case, perhaps. I find myself going over and over in my mind my most recent conversations with people. I am constantly fretting over being perceived as 'strange'. I worry that I may not have 'come off' in a conversation in a way that 'normal' folks would have. No, I do not think of myself as normal, not sure why that is but I haven't for as long as I can remember. Perhaps that might be an answer to you about my being sensitive.

Another type of sensitive that I am blessed/cursed with is that my emotions seem to run very strong. I get EXTREMELY passionate about some of the music I like, EXTREMELY sorrowful about the passing of my pets throughout my life, (suicidal over the passing of my last pet, I worry daily about the one I have now), and I feel a deep sorrow for the future generations of this planet. No, I don't think that I am schizophrenic, just keenly aware that things are going downhill fast and I am sad for the children and animals and...well things just didn't have to be this way!

I actually came to DU a decade ago because of my concern for the effects of our use of depleted uranium weaponry. Off topic but I to this day don't understand why my fellow DUers don't share in what I feel is a shame we should feel for what we did over in the Middle East. That shame ranks right up there with what our forefathers did to the Native Americans and what we do and worse did to black Americans. So yeah, I'm fairly sensitive.

Well, that's me. If this is useful to anyone, cool. I am me, I like being me. I get it that I am not normal, it makes me sad sometimes but I am not sad about being a loner. I am not at all lonely because I've known no other way to be.

[ellenrr]

18. I can relate to what others say here...

"I even get the heebie-jeebies when I am with a friend for any length of time. Note my use of the word friend here, although there are a very few people I would call 'friend' and I would miss them dearly should they be gone from my life, I find it very difficult to be around them for longer than about an hour before I start looking for an exit."

True for me too, and it's always seemed weird to me, and I always wondered - do other people feel this way.

I think some of us are born with a predisposition to be lonely, or to prefer aloneness, or extra sensitive, or however one wants to name it. And formative experiences may bring this trait out in abundance or it may not emerge.

I think more important is how to live with it. And if one is happy being this way - no problem. For me, sometimes being this way is crippling, other times it is just "how I am" and I am ok with it.
and I do find, as one poster mentioned meditation - I find this very important.
Someone defined meditation as the "art of being friends with yourself".
I find that the more I meditate, the calmer I am, and that meditation is a way of gaining self-acceptance.
--- and I am not a big meditator-- 10 minutes here and there thru out the day.

I also find as Taiter Tots said:
"Almost no one wants to talk about/do the stuff
That I like talking about/doing. Almost no one knows enough about it to have a meaningful discussion."

example, my lunch group was having a thrilling {to them, not to me} conversation about TV.
I waited for a moment to enter the conversation and remark that I had seen a fascinating PBS show with Christian Parenti about how climate change impacts world politics - ie the creation of Isis, and the fall of Arab rulers during the Arab Spring.
I can still see the faces turned to me -- silence-- not a question,, not 'tell me about it',, or 'hmm, that sounds interesting',,, SILENCE.
As if I had suddenly started talking in tongues...

[mackerel]

20. I don't like to be around a lot of people because I know I very insensitive.

[angstlessk]

28. My reasons for being a loner are so complex even I don't know why!

to narrow it down to being sensitive is too simplistic...

I have been to shrinks too many times to even think about..

I think the very beginning was because I was supposed to be a boy, since my mother already had a girl...that was really the first steps to my being a loner...it was very nuanced...

I was a bed wetter till I was 12!..

Mother sent me to reform school at age 13, after I ran away saying I was incorrigible...

They visited me every Sunday...how could I be angry?

[no_hypocrisy]

29. Not anymore.

I've toughened but in the process, I've learned to trust people less in general.

I've been disappointed by too many people and I understand that I'm responsible for just about everything in my life.