What is the obligation to notify an ex that spouse is dying?

[Grasswire2]

My former husband is dying, in hospice care. He's currently married to his third wife. I was his first wife and am the mother of his children (adults).

I asked if his second wife has been notified, knowing that I would not want to read about the death of a former spouse in the newspaper. She lives in the vicinity of his location. They have been divorced for fourteen years, and were married for twelve.

Apparently that notification has not happened.

What is usual and customary in that regard? He was abusive to her, as he was to me.

And wow is it complicated navigating through issues of old abuse to children and myself while children are coming to grips with saying goodbye to the abuser. I believe in mercy, but I also still watch the aftermath of his pathological narcissistic abuse manifest in my family relationships. The damage done was multi-generational.

[msongs]

1. maybe leave it to his current wife unless u keep in touch with the 2nd one nt

[enough]

4. Yes.

[Rorey]

2. Do you feel comfortable notifying her?

Really, though, maybe the notification should happen after he has died.

My first inclination, I regret to say, was that if I was hearing that my ex-husband (also a narcissist) was dying, I would not be sad. Anyway, I don't think I would be.

[Grasswire2]

5. Not my place to notify her.

Just thinking though about finding out in the newspaper. That would be shocking, perhaps.

[lettucebe]

3. I see no reason why they'd notify ex-wives

I was married to one horrible person for way too long. Long since divorced, and I couldn't care less whether he is alive or dead so what makes you think she cares? Especially if he was abusive.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

6. Are you on good terms with wife 3?

Are either of you on good terms with number 2?

I personally think it would be considerate to let her know, unless their divorce was a nasty one and you have reason to think she would never want to hear anything of him again. In which case, letting her know after would be appropriate.

I was married for over 25 years, and I think for me the worst thing about the divorce is losing contact with his family. I did not find out his older brother died until after the fact, although I'd known he was ill. My ex does give me some updates.

I hope there's a comfortable solution to this dilemma.

[Grasswire2]

7. wife three is a nice person.

My daughter, though, is really handling all the affairs. She's a trained professional.

I think the idea of AFTER is good advice, and that's likely any day now.

Still not my place, but I'll suggest it.

It's really tricking navigating issues -- so important to name abuse and never forget its impact.

[blueinredohio]

8. I could care less if my ex dies and I don't want him notified if something happens to me.

[Sherman A1]

9. My POV is

should my ex find herself in that situation I have no desire to know. We parted ways 25 years ago and that was another lifetime, long ago.

I wish her no ill at this point, but have less than zero interest in her life or passing.

[Shrike47]

10. I would certainly want to know if my first husband, father of my children, were dying. #2? No.

[emmaverybo]

11. My two cents is that you have no obligation. Your hands are full supporting your children.

Aside from your children, I would think any such responsibility to notify others in your ex’s life falls to his current wife. Some people do not want to hear anything ever about their abuser.

It is very generous and caring of you to consider her feelings, but it seems to me your own and your children’s emotional well being is all you need to think of for now.