Did you relocate?

[SheilaT]

I'm posting this because of the discussion here
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1235146
and I think this topic could use its own thread.

I moved from Overland Park, Kansas, to Santa Fe, New Mexico at the time of my divorce four years ago. It was the best possible thing I could have done.

I'm just curious to see what others might say about doing the same thing.

[laundry_queen]

1. Yes, I did.

And I took the kids with me. I'm torn about whether it was a good idea or not. On one level, I'm happier than I would've been. I'm closer to my family (double-edged sword) and I'm able to go to a good university (only a small community college where I was living), I'm in the city (instead of in the boonies) and I have many, many more friends here.

Financially it was not the right thing to do. There was no way I could've known that, however. I left the marital home which was purchased before house prices became really high where I am (it's a booming area). I left it because my parents promised me a place to stay (among other financial incentives) until I was able to 'get back on my feet'. I figured that meant a year or 2 so I could go to school and save up for a down payment. After 5 months my parents kicked me out (decided that they didn't want the whole extended family under one roof after all, after my mom told me that it would be a great idea and that's how other cultures do it) and I had to scramble to get a damage deposit, first month's rent AND a full year's tuition (that my parents had promised to pay but didn't) together all at the same time (yes they kicked me out just as school was starting). My rent is $500 more a month than my previous mortgage payment was. AND I have a long commute to school so I pay a lot in fuel. Had I stayed behind and gotten a generic business diploma from the community college and gone to work (lots of jobs, it's up north - I'm in Canada - and booming) I'd be way further ahead financially. I just recently bought a duplex, which was at the top end of what I could afford (my marital home was a large single family home) and the payments on that will be more than my mortgage was. At least it will be cheaper than my rent is.

Overall, I think I'm okay I left because at least I don't run into the 'other woman' at the store in a small town, and being in the city means I am able to make more friends that have more in common with me. I don't have to see my ex much because he only comes every once in awhile to see the kids (his choice).

I'm torn on whether what I did was the right thing or not. It was very traumatic for the kids, but they are all okay with it now. I'm glad I'm away from the drama my ex was perpetuating between his girlfriend and parents and me. I don't think I'd have healed if I had been subjected to the drama for much longer. So many variables - I don't know if I'd do it the same way again.

[SheilaT]

2. Thanks for the response.

You did what seemed like the right thing at the time, and you had absolutely no way to anticipate things like your parents not holding to their promises. Do you want to say how long it's been?

I hope others respond to this thread.

[laundry_queen]

3. It'll be 3 years in January. nt

[clyrc]

4. Yes, but it was right back to his home town

Having no money or car or house it was the only thing I could do. I agreed back when I was going through the divorce that I would stay in his home state for he sake of the kids. 4 years til the oldest is 18. I'm not certain I can keep my sanity, or what's left of it, until then.

[SheilaT]

5. What I want to say is that you do what is best for you.

What was best for me was to move to another part of the country. I am very much in favor of making huge changes as needed, but I understand that someone else's life may unfold differently.

I do think that no matter what it is crucial to keep your own life in clear focus. It's not whether you relocate or not, but that you do what is best for you. Do not sacrifice needlessly. Do not give up your autonomy just to keep peace. Your life will extend far beyond the time of your divorce, and of your children reaching adulthood. Never forget that.

[earthbot1]

6. not yet

But I am thinking of selling the house (buying her out) eventually and
maybe move to Santa Fe also. I lived there for a short time once.
I'm an artist and love astronomy, so might be good for me.

If someone offered me a decent job, I'd go sooner! Need to start looking!

[safeinOhio]

7. I left the state on the advice of

the sheriff, lawyer and shrink. 6 years later and I can look back and say it was a great move. Moved to a town where I knew no one. I now have more friends than I ever had in my life and I'm safe in Ohio.

[SheilaT]

8. I'm so glad to hear that!

It's really not that hard to make new friends, wherever you go. I'm guessing that in your case you were a whole lot happier than you'd ever been, and that helped a lot.