My sister is dying. She was diagnosed with Stage 4

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

Last edited Fri Nov 15, 2024, 07:11 AM - Edit history (2)

uterine cancer two years ago. The prognosis was bad. But she decided to do everything possible to survive. She's been in treatment ever since. She's had an amazingly positive attitude. A few times it looked as though she might even be heading toward remission, but that hope would each time be dashed not long after

About a month ago, they diagnosed her with leptomeningeal disease, meaning the cancer cells have infiltrated her cerebrospinal fluid. The prognosis is near certain death within a few months at most.

She has had a few stroke-like incidents over the past couple of weeks. Two days ago they admitted her to Sloan Kettering hospital in NYC. She is losing her vision, can only walk with a walker, and is having awful headaches.

My selfish concern is that the shattering of our once-close relationship will soon become permanent. She turned against me when I decided to estrange from my brother because his behavior had become unacceptable & unbearable to me.

I have seen her only about 5 times since she was first diagnosed, by her choice. We had for many years been very close. Now, she barely contacts me and is slow to reply when I try to contact her. Her husband told one of my sisters he didn't want me visiting because I might "bring her down."

Odd to remember that she sent me the fateful CT scan that showed the initial cancer prior to her appointment to discuss it with her doctor. I guess because I'd been doing so much research related to my husband's cancer, she expected I could understand & explain the radiologist's findings.

My mother turned 87 yesterday. On October 25 of 2020, my dad (her husband) died of pancreatic cancer. On December 26th, her only son (my only brother, from whom I was estranged) died in a fall witnessed by his two young adult sons.

Mom and one of my other sisters went up yesterday and are staying in a hotel near the hospital & have been allowed to visit with her. Her husband is by her side most of the time, as are her 3 daughters. So, I'm glad she's not alone.

I last saw her on September 28th at a small family reunion. We didn't end up hanging out that much except in large group situations. Around a small table together, when we were looking at old photos, she got angry because, when she said she'd never seen a certain photo before, I said she probably had.

It looks like that event will have been the last time I ever saw her. So, I guess I'm experiencing what I've heard called anticipatory grief. I'm also feeling helplessness & regret that I couldn't find a way to repair our relationship.😢

Well I don't suppose anyone had the time & patience to read all of that, but I appreciate having a place to tell my story.

******************************
I don't know the best way to share this addendum, but I hope this will work.

I am thankful to each of you for your sweet words of understanding & support. DU really does have so many wonderful, happy new kind-hearted people.

I have read all of your replies and am thinking over all of what's been said. I wish I could reply to each of you, but I'm just not able to right now.

In response or to clarify a couple of things:

My husband & I have asked my sister directly (via text, her fave communication method) a few different times over the past couple of years for her to come visit us or for an OK to come to her house, like we used to.

She ignores the requests to visit her. And only responded to the idea of coming here when a David Bowie-related show (She's a huge Bowie fan) was in town. Twice she said she would come, but the first time she forgot, the second time she ended up having a treatment session that prevented her from coming.

So, my husband and I don't feel we can force our way into visiting her.

She is the youngest of we 5 siblings at 58. I'm the oldest. We 4 "girls" are all still here, as of this moment & have what passes for reasonably relationships in our dysfunctional family.

I'm an atheist, but my dying sister has some sort of faith. And she's said repeatedly that she feels & appreciates the thoughts &/or prayers from our family, friends, and even strangers.

Thank you again, DU, for being here for me, and not just this time!

[Eko]

1. Hug to you.

[Dennis Donovan]

2. I come from a close family of 6

I'm the youngest at 59. The older 5 have all passed away, the last one - my oldest brother - days before last Christmas.

Cherish them while they're here.

[Arrgh]

25. I'm youngest at 69

and I lost my oldest sister, 79, two years ago. Last of my family. You don't realize how profound that is until you have no one to talk with about your shared family history. At least once or twice a week there's something I wish I could ask her.

A friend of mine had the same situation. He said he realized when his sister died, that was the last person who had known him all his life, and he never felt so alone. I kind of wish he hadn't said that. It keeps me up at night.

[marble falls]

3. Siblings. Just do what you can.

[kerouac2]

4. Sorry. You still have a chance to say goodbye.

You can't change the past. If she has two months left and you can see her one last time, then you might want to just do it before it's too late. You said you were once close. So just go, hold her hand and tell her you love her. That is something I don't think you will regret. Sorry for the pain you're going through.

[wordstroken]

5. I am so sorry for what you are going through, Dark n Stormy Knight.

I feel your pain and mental suffering; and understand your helplessness and regret that you couldn’t find a way to repair your relationship. I’m there, too.

Please take care of yourself during this extremely difficult time. We are here for you.

[Permanut]

6. Thanks for telling your story..

I lost my Sister in 2021 to a recurrence of cancer. She was 77, and had spent a lifetime fighting for civil rights, particularly for LBGTQ causes. She was out and proud, and I was proud of her. I'll go further than that, she was my hero.

I'm very fortunate that we had that close relationship; I'm sorry that you don't have that. I don't regret that she has not had to witness the emergence of the Fourth Reich.

[choie]

7. I'm so sorry Dark n Stormy

It's heartbreaking.

[magicarpet]

8. No,.. Dark n Stormy Night,..

.... I read it all the way through. You are a good writer and got the story across very well. It would be nice if she called out for you before she passed to the other side. You did your best to mend that fence. All you can do is wait hoping time will allow you a personal bye bye and a warm hug.

And the world keeps on turning as we travel through space and time.

[Skittles]

9. very sorry

I have lost two siblings and I know how hard it is

[Jarqui]

10. You could not write such a thing and not care about her

You "repaired" (if it needed any repair) or sustained the thing that you could control - your caring.
That much is very clear.

Deep down, she probably knows.

I'm sorry for what you are going through

[maspaha]

11. Love to you Dark n Stormy...

I read every word. Be kind to yourself. You’re in my thoughts

[oldsoldierfadingfast]

12. Never miss a chance to say "I love you''...

One red rose says it all. Take or send her one; tell her that you may have had differences of opinions in the past, but they did not diminish your love for her.

I loved you in our past, I love you now, and I always will.

[KatK]

13. Holding you in the light! Keep us up to date! n/t

[Hope22]

14. Family relationships are so complicated.

My heart goes out to you. My experience in the looking back is that we don’t really remember or possibly we begin to doubt how hard we tried to make things work out along the way. Be easy with yourself. If you really need to be with your sister again is it possible to contact one of her daughters to see if you could visit? I couldn’t be with my father due to distance at the end. To mark the space in time I went to a park that we frequented when I was growing up. It was Christmas and so we sang Christmas carols there and remembered easier, happier times. It fed my soul at a very sad time. Maybe there is something you could do to mark the space in time if you are not able to make a visit. You have tried your hardest and my heart goes out to you. Peace and love to you. 💗💗💗🙏🏼💐

[LoisB]

15. I am so sorry about your sister. Please be at peace with yourself.

[Solly Mack]

16. I'm so sorry for what's happening to your sister and to you.

[Easterncedar]

17. It's right to share

I am sorry for all you have gone and are now going through. It’s terrible. I have a sister I am separated from, too. I can’t fix it and it is a constant grief, especially as we are very clearly running out of time.

Take care of yourself as much as you can. I wish you peace.

[cate94]

18. Isn't it your brother in law not wanting you to visit?

Ask her if you can visit. If you can’t reach her, ask your mom to ask for you. Geez, this is someone you love, let her know while you can.

[Tanuki]

19. Do you think you could send her a card (possibly

via the other sister), expressing your love, and your hopes of being able to visit? My heart goes out to you....losing a sibling is tough, even without being compounded by complex dynamics and estrangement.

[littlemissmartypants]

20. Nothing prepares us for the loss of a loved one.

Write to her. Send her a letter or a card. Tell her everything you want to say. Send it. If she is never able to understand it because it sounds like her cognition has become affected by her illness, you've sent her love in the last enduring way you can with words from your heart.

At least you will know that you did your part to maintain your part of your sisterly bond. It will live forever in the universe once you let it go.

I'm holding you in my heart. I hope you can find some comfort in my words. There will be comfort in your happy memories when she leaves you. Hold tight to that happiness.

❤️pants

[Beacool]

21. I read it.

As sad as it is to lose a sibling, given what you wrote, be at peace knowing that you tried to see her. If these are her final days, and she doesn't wish to see you, then unfortunately you have no choice but to stay away. When the inevitable happens, be there for your mom, and her family if they permit it. I'm sorry that you're going through this situation. Losing family is tough, even when we are not close to them anymore. A virtual hug is going your way.

[SarcasticSatyr]

22. I'm sorry you have to go though this . . .

I watched my father waste away for 18 months, and even though we all knew what would happen it still somehow came as a shock.

[PatrickforB]

23. I did. Have the time, I mean.

I do not know what I can say or do to help - the grief is real and the pain is real. Time may heal some of it, but the memory will remain. If you are a believer prayer can help. And I will pray (or think good thoughts if you prefer) also.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

24. You write so very well, my dear Dark n Stormy Knight . . .I read every word.

My heart goes out to you. You're in a hard and sad place. I hope that you'll get to see her once more before she dies.

[sheshe2]

26. I am so very sorry, Dark n Stormy.

My heart breaks for both of you.

[KT2000]

27. Sending peace vibes your way

I am glad you shared because it helps you sort out your feelings. Peace to you.

[summer_in_TX]

28. So much I'd say to you others already have.

Sending you a and 🙏 for you and your sister at this heartbreaking time, Dark n Stormy.

[hippiegranola]

29. What you are feeling is so very OK and normal

Dark n Stormy Knight,

What you are going through is normal. It's an overused phrase in our society, but you are experiencing the "new normal" and there is no going back. I have gone through it with both my parents and my older brother. When you feel the wave of grief, take a deep breath. I'm not sure where you are at with your faith, but I will say a prayer for you and your sister.

Hang in there,

Hippie

[Dear_Prudence]

30. Flowers?

I sent flowers to an estranged friend when she had triple by-pass surgery. I didn't send a card or phone because I wasn't sure where our relationship stood and I didn't want to cross boundaries when she was so vulnerable. The little card said something like, 'Thinking of you. If I can help, just let me know. Love, (from me)' She texted a thanks for the flowers. A couple weeks later her husband called for me to take her for a checkup because she couldn't climb up into his truck. Of course, it could could have backfired, like maybe her getting angry for exposing her to flower pollen, but, at least with flowers I could let the flowers do the talking. Take care of yourself now.

[calimary]

31. I'm sorry this is part of your life now.

I guess we all have some kind of version of it.

I’m glad you posted about what you’re going through. You have lots of emotional support here - at any hour (or time zone!). Thank you for letting us in during this trying time for you and your family.

And don’t forget what our beloved Skittles once observed: “someone’s always here.” At any hour, in any time zone. You’re never gonna go through it alone, because you have DU.

[XanaDUer2]

32. Hug (hug)

[Faux pas]

33. Your

circumstances make my eyes leak because I don't know how you can handle all these things that are like a huge relentless tsunami of pain, loss and devastation that is too much for one mere mortal to handle. I prefer to send all of my best vibes out to the Universe for healing and strength to you, your mom and any and all family and friends going through this with you Dark n Stormy Knight.
For you sister I send the vibes she will need to make peace with herself to get thru her final journey.

Peace Love and Joy

[electric_blue68]

34. Very late here. Couldn't follow it all. But sorry for her terrible fate, and what you're going through. Gentle hug.