Some things I've learned as a mom...

[astonamous]

My son passed away Nov. 15, 2011 at the age of 24. It was an accident and has been devastating for everyone who knew him. Since then, I have had to deal with insurance companies, employers and facebook.

1. No matter how old your kids are, if they have any type of life insurance policy and are not married or have kids, make sure they name someone as beneficiary. Even if it isn't you. It's not about the money for us, but trying to get things over with and done, so that we can start healing and get past the "accident" part of things... Paper work, back and forth, notary, overnight mailing and then more back and forth.

2. If your adult child isn't married or have children, they should have one of their parents or siblings (someone they trust) on their banking accounts.

3. Once facebook finds out that your son is deceased, they will memorialize their facebook page. Facebook was our only contact form for a lot of Geoff's friends around the world, once the page was memorialized, we no longer have any control of accepting friends, and posting messages, changing pictures and people can no longer find Geoff in a search. I know this seems silly, but it was almost like a slap in the face to lose that little bit of control over a little part of Geoff's life.

[livetohike]

1. I'm so sorry for your loss astonamous

Thank you for taking the time to post this advice. I hope that you and your family and all of Geoff's friends will keep their good memories alive and it will help to ease the sadness. I'm glad FB keeps the page, but it's sad no one can post, etc.

[femmocrat]

2. I'm so sorry, astonamous.

We are going through a lot of the same kind of stress. My sister passed unexpectedly recently, leaving no will and no beneficiaries. There is just me and my brother and we are barely communicating these days over disagreements about what to do with her "stuff". She didn't have much, but she did have some assets.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. We have hardly had time to grieve because of the endless details.

I hope it gets easier for you soon.

[We are Devo]

3. Same here..

I lost my sis last Dec, and she had no will. She had a mortgage, horses, bank accts., retirement benefits, etc. Luckily, she wanted her ex to have her house, and he was her named beneficiary on all of accts and insurance. Still, we had to hire an atty and go through it all. We got her house in me and my brother's names and quitclaimed it to her ex. Two months earlier we had lost our mom and were still sorting through that! It took ten months to complete everything. I'm so glad it is over! I now have my own will and DNR.

[truedelphi]

4. My deep condolences to you and your family.

Thank you for taking the time to offer such advice to everyone else.

Who could ever imagine that they would lose their child as a young adult?

And your response in reaching out to everyone else to help them is admirable.

[polly7]

5. I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your son, astonamous.

[orleans]

6. sending you much sympathy

i can't imagine the shock and deep sadness you must be feeling. my daughter's 23 and...oh my god--i can't imagine.

and thank you for posting this piece of advice.

years ago, when i was in my late teens & early twenties, my friend and i would talk about stuff like that--the songs we wanted played at our funerals, who was going to get what (even though we hardly had anything of value), etc. and i think i always had my mom on my meager bank account.

now i don't even want a funeral or memorial service--just a very casual gathering at home if my daughter wants to do that. my mother made it very clear (even put it in writing) that she didn't want a funeral or anything so my daughter and i had a gathering in memory and celebration of her in our home over a year after she passed on.

but i think, in general you're right: kids (young people) generally don't think about the details for something like that. my friend and i were maybe a bit cryptic or over the top back then.

as for you--i hope you're getting all the emotional support you need and deserve. and i hope you continue to get it for as long as you need it and want it. talking helps. (at least for me. it's been really hard losing my mom and not only do i talk about her to my daughter and my good friends, but i still talk to her--my mom--every day and she's been gone in the physical sense for over two years. sometimes i hear her voice in my head--not like you hear someone else when they speak to you, but it's a thought that pops into my head with my mom's wording, or the type of response she would make. hard to explain. but i feel her around me so often.

even, at times, when i'm talking to someone my mom's voice pops into my head with a funny remark or a sarcastic remark--something that i'm not thinking during the conversation so it's totally out of the blue but it's definately her commenting. sometimes it's a cautionary remark. it depends on the conversation.

one day i had just parked my car at the store, and that afternoon i'd been saying: give me a sign, mom, and i got out of the car and said--quietly so no one would hear me talking to myself--i said aloud "mom." and i turned my head and the first thing my eyes made contact with was a license plate that began with the letters MOM.

now i certainly don't think she magically put that car there just to give me a sign. but, maybe she whispered for me to turn my head at that most perfect moment--and maybe, subconsciously, i heard her. there have been so many things like that--i write them down in a journal i keep with letters to her, but i should make a list. there's been countless times we smell her perfume--and even the scent of buttered popcorn which we haven't made since a month or two before she passed so it wouldn't be lingering in the house six months later!

anyway, i think those who pass on give us clues or signs in all different ways but sometimes we're too devestated to notice or too caught up in the day-to-day. i was recently re-reading a couple books--i forget which one said this--but it was a comment about how when someone passes on our relationship with them doesn't end, it just moves onto a different level that we have to adapt to. (it was either the book "love beyond life" or "we don't die."

i hope you take care. and take it easy--go slow.
a warm hug for you.
orleans

[DollyM]

7. been there . . .

Hugs Momma! I lost my 19 year old son in a car accident 2 and a half years ago so I know where you are at on this. Luckily, we had a life insurance policy on our son and I was the benificiary. I was able to pay off his funeral and have some left over to help with our expenses as we were not working at the time. I tell everyone, get a life insurance policy for your kids the second that you can. Ours was only 8 dollars a month, one of the best decisions we ever made
I had gone through a mess with our bank just a few months before our son died with them putting money into our account that should have gone into his and back and forth. I tried calling and talking to them about it but they wouldn't talk to me as he was the primary on his account. He had learning delays and was lost in dealing with this so I changed banks just a month before he died and set him up a new account with me primary on it. He still could use it with his name just like before but I knew I could check it and have access to it if needed. That day came a month later when he was killed. I was able to close the account without any problem because of the changes I had made a month earlier. I shudder to think of the hassle I would have had with US Bank over trying to close his account if I had stayed with them.
As far as Facebook, I still have his account open in his name. Someone had apparently hacked into his account and was trying to close it but i found it in time and changed the password. Like you, it is my only link with some of his friends.

[astonamous]

8. Hugs back...

Thank you for sharing also. As I had posted before, there is just no way to imagine losing a child and I am still having difficulty imagining. I keep thinking that when we are finished with the "paper work" that all will go back to normal. I guess nothing will be normal again.

Geoff lost 4 friends in a car accident in Alaska in 2008. They were all up there for the summer working for Princess at a resort. My first concern was for Geoff's remaining friends. I didn't want them to have to go through the sadness of a "funeral" in the traditional sense again. We had a wonderful memorial celebration of Geoff's life and rented a local theater in Salt Lake. We had some of Geoff's favorite things there on display, we served Geoff's favorite beer and Whole Foods provided food. We were able to tell stories, laugh and remember him in a way that hopefully helps everyone remember the good times more than how he died. We had standing room only and people that couldn't make it from around the world sent us loving messages on his facebook page.

For now we are all just trying to get through each day and stay busy.

[rbnyc]

9. So sorry about your loss.

As a parent, I am just amazed by your strength and I wish you love and support.

I just wanted to say a little thing about facebook. My friend Suzanne dies on December 14. My friends and her family visit her facebook page frequently to share pictures and memories. I hadn't even realized that her family wouldn't have control of the page, and that friends who may not have been facebook friends wouldn't be able to have access to this forum for celebrating her life and sharing our grief.

It doesn't seem silly at all, the way it made you feel to be closed out of his page.