Need suggestions...

[imavoter]

I have several personal deadlines, in that these
tasks must be completed. Yes. It's becoming urgent.

I told my therapist this, and she said, what if you had to."

I told her I do have to, but that's not helping.
I tried to explain to her that I'm not quite non functional,
but damned near.

I just passed the two year mark without my husband, and
I did better the first year than now. I haven't even been able to work for a year. I can't make myself functional, but
there could be some major issues if I don't get a move on.

I don't feel depressed. I miss him like crazy of course,
it's that I can't get personal business done. And it's now starting to be a problem.

[niyad]

1. Alas, I have no helpful advice or suggestions, but sending hugggs and vibes.

[MLAA]

2. I don't have any advice but I have plenty of hugs for you.

I’m so sorry you lost your dear husband too soon.

[MutantAndProud]

3. I have had issues moving on as well

It would be nice to have all the time in the world, and not experience a harder time in the second year versus the first; I’ve been even more isolated by my social circle for it, although I already needed to expand mine and make new connections. I’m feeling the pull of time forward though. It’s good to feel that, whatever it is. It doesn’t diminish what was.

[2naSalit]

4. Hmmm...

Is it possible for someone to help you sort through this business and help you find your footing for taking steps forward? Someone neutral, maybe a volunteer from a senior center or something?

I'm really grasping, I don't know what your whole set of concerns are but sometimes having someone, not the therapist, help you with actual stuff, whatever that may entail, can help you get started along the path that takes you forward. A kind of companion or confidant to help you find where to place your steps for a short time.

[imavoter]

5. Its not stuff.

There's exterior maintenance on the house
that I need to finish. And I'm not desperate yet, but
I need to start looking for work so I won't be.

I'm paralyzed and I constantly feel like I'm in a time
warp or this weird feeling that I can't put my finger on.

I just finally cleaned the last dish today, but the stove is still a mess, but I haven't had all the dishes done in weeks. That's such a big deal, but not compared to the other issues.

[progressoid]

6. There are some exercises that may help you break through .

I've tried a couple and seemed to help a little.

Breaking the Cycle of Task Paralysis:
https://lifeskillsadvocate.com/blog/what-is-task-paralysis-and-how-to-combat-it/



https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/anxiety-paralysis#treatment

[imavoter]

7. I'll try anything at this point n/t

[imavoter]

8. Neither of these things really resonate with me

I'm not waiting for the perfect conditions to complete tasks. The time is now, but I can't make myself get anything done. It's so frustrating.

I wasn't this way before my husband died.
I understand grief is weird, but why can't I function?

[Otto_Harper]

11. I understand what you are experiencing, I'm there myself

The one thing I can offer that may help you understand the condition, and perhaps work forward a little is this...

You were together for a long time, and, your brain re-wired itself to include your partner in its normal operation. That connection is now silent, and so, one of the sources of information and affirmation that it programmed itself to include in all processes is missing.

I can offer no easy solution, other than that once you understand the issue, and how it is impacting the executive centers of your brain, you can take charge a little higher up in your thought processes and recognize the origins of the paralysis that is impacting you.

This understanding helps me a little. Only a little, but, that makes forward progress go just a bit better.

[pnwest]

9. Depression manifests in many ways that may not

register to you as “feeling depressed”.

Inability to focus is a big one.

Sometimes, making a conscious decision to let go of the grief - to DECIDE that it’s time to look up, look outwards, and focus on the world again - feels as though you’re betraying their memory. Is it possible that you feel guilt whenever you try to let your mind focus on a task instead of living actively in grief?

I’m not criticizing your grieving timeline in any way. I am suggesting that being so “stuck” at nearly two years is worrisome. You are allowed to decide for yourself, that it’s time to move past the trauma. All the grief, love and memories remain - just give yourself permission to let go of the shock and trauma, and let the grief soften and ripen to the next stage.

Sending healing vibes.

[imavoter]

15. No I don't really feel guilty.

I miss him all the time, bad or good day.
I've made myself get out of the house, and put
things on my calendar. It's still hard to do though.
But these things are going to cause problems, you'd
think I would bust ass, but I can't. I wasn't this way before
I need a way to get out if this immobility.

[Solly Mack]

10. Start with the smallest task. The one you can get done the quickest.

Divide that task into parts. Make sure it is a task that doesn't turn into other tasks - for example, changing the curtains out.

Taking them down could be one part - but if you see the window needs cleaning too, then the task suddenly becomes bigger than it was originally.

That becomes discouraging.

So choose a small task that is fully completed by just finishing that specific task.

Cleaning the kitchen trash can.

Make a list. Check it off as you go.

Gather cleaning supplies.

Remove trash bag.

Clean can. (lid, whatever else)

Replace bag.

Set trash can back up.

Done.

Each check is progress made.

And even if it only takes 15 minutes, and you do nothing else that day, that is still one task down.

Don't beat yourself up over what else needs to be done. Reward yourself for what you got accomplished.

Then go to the next task, break it down into parts, make your check list, go at a pace that doesn't discourage you.

Even if it means one shelf at a time for several days to get all the shelves done.

Even if it means one wall or one chair or one whatever - the thing is not to feel discouraged. Not to feel overwhelmed.

Completing even the smallest task will give you encouragement.

Talking to yourself while you're doing this helps too.

Even if all you say is exactly what action you are taking.

I'm removing the trash bag.

Now I'm cleaning the trash can.

Keep it up until you get to, "That's done".

Sounds silly but it can help.

I hope you start to feel better.

[radical noodle]

12. I know you said you don't feel depressed

but many years ago I went through a devastating loss and the issues you describe are exactly what was going on with me. I really wasn't functioning except in a superficial manner. It all came to a head when I went to the doctor for my regular checkup. He walked in the door with his usual cheerful "Hi! How are you?" and I burst into tears. I hadn't had a clue I was depressed, but I was. He put me on an antidepressant and my life slowly began to seem normal again. It took time, but with the right meds, I gradually began to function again. If you're already on antidepressants, perhaps you need a change in prescriptions. If you aren't already taking them, consider asking about getting some.

In the meantime, try to make a list of the most important things you need to do and try to do (or get started on) just one of them every day. Sometimes the main reason we can't get anything done is due to it all seeming so overwhelming that we are frozen with the burden of how much there is to do.

[FoggyLake]

13. I might get buried here for my suggestion

…but you have described exactly what I am experiencing: Inertia, not sadness. I experienced a traumatic event 4 years ago and have been inert since then. It is like pulling teeth to make myself do anything.

So, I went to a psychiatrist who told me I was depressed, even though I specified to him that I felt no sadness. He prescribed Wellbutrin, which acted like a mild stimulant. It worked great and I was able to get stuff done. But a few weeks later I began getting mild chest pains and it turns out that that is a side effect of the drug so I stopped taking it. (I quit seeing that psychiatrist because he became visibly angry about my quitting without his permission. I'm guessing that was his problem, anyways.)

So then I read an article by a woman who described the same no-sadness/inertia situation, also after a traumatic event. Her doctor explained to her that trauma can induce ADHD in adults. He prescribed Ritalin and she said that it worked for her.

This was weird to me and unexpected, so I only share it with you to present some possible remedies that you may have not considered. I certainly hadn't.

Best wishes to you. I hope you feel better soon.
(And guess what, I am browsing DU and writing this instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing.)

[justaprogressive]

14. Dale Carnegie.

As a nurse of 30 years I suspect you have clinical depression.

However, if you are truly not depressed this will work:

On each morning make a list of the three most important things to get done...

Do #1.

Even if you do nothing else all day, at least the MOST important thing got done..

Rinse lather repeat

[Farmer-Rick]

16. When I lost my spouse I was very much like you

It is going on 5 years now but it feels like I lost them yesterday.

This inertia, (feeling like why bother, it all doesn't make any difference, who really cares if it gets done,) is still with me. I fight it every day it seems. I'll start doing well for weeks, then I suddenly stop and go back to sleeping all day and never wanting to do anything ever.

But, before I let myself sleep and go into lazy coma mode, I force myself to do something. One thing only. Just do that 1 thing then let yourself fallback and let the inertia take you. But not before you do one thing.

When they first died, I focused on getting the tombstone right (took 3 times), getting the death certificate, sending the certificate to banks and insurance company. All those things you have to do when the love of your life dies.

Because I spent so much time taking care of my dying spouse, the house had fallen into disrepair. So, the next thing was getting the roof fixed. Getting the rotting porch repaired. Fixing the falling down siding.

All of these things I did with the 1 thing at a time plan. I would make one phone call, mail one letter, paint one ceiling, patch one hole in the dry wall, make one office visit to the dentist or lawyer or SS office.

But it's not a straight line. There are days I feel good and get 5 things done then there are days where just making that 1 phone call took all the energy I had for the day. But I did just that 1 thing and when I feel good I do 5 things and I am amazed at how much I have gotten done, one thing at a time.

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

17. If my husband dies before me, the thing I will most want to do

is suicide. So, I admire your strength to be carrying on. That is not meant to diminish your difficulties. There seem to be some good suggestions here. I hope maybe something has helped you. If not, I'm hoping something will.