This will be my third Christmas without Ginny

[derby378]

God, why is it so hard to type this? I know I've been warned that the holidays can be very hard on someone who lost a spouse, but right now it's so much effort to even type.

There's a flood of memories, good and bad. There's the one time we were really late to visit my folks for Christmas because Ginny insisted on stopping everywhere along the way, and her parents who had been waiting patiently at my parents' house finally gave up and left. Not the best way to commemorate a holiday. But then there are the other memories - the orange cinnamon rolls we always baked and shared every Christmas morning, the cats playing with scraps of wrapping paper, the ever-present struggle to keep Axl from swallowing ribbons, Piper the cockatiel serenading us with her squeaks, the stocking hung over the chimney at my folks' house with Ginny's name on it that we can't bear to part with, the international Santas that Ginny always displayed every holiday season, her collection of Possible Dreams Santas up on the entertainment center (the Santa with the bird house was her favorite), and me telling Ginny "You don't have to get me anything" when she fretted about the medical bills making it hard to shop for everybody - I cry now, but these memories also made me smile sometimes.

Right now, my Christmas cheer is gone. Because she's gone. All our furry and feathered companions are gone. I'm the only one left. Am I selfish for wanting them all back? Just for one more Christmas? Just so I can hold Ginny and tell her "I love you" one last time, to tell her that she was my best friend - and sometimes my only friend?

If you're spending the holidays without your loved one, please know that I feel the same pain that you do. Thank you for putting up with me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear derby378...

You are not alone......she lives inside you, inside your heart and mind...

I'm so sorry, sweetie...

[derby378]

2. Thank you, Peggy...

One of my greatest insecurities is that Ginny's presence is fading over time. Maybe this is just normal, but it seems like the "little miracles" that would sometimes occur no longer happen. And it makes me miss her all the more.

Thank you for watching over me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I hate to see my friends in pain...

I can't promise I'll always be here when you post, but I'll try.

[orleans]

4. yes, those "little miracles" (i call them "signs") seem to happen far more

infrequently for me as well, as time goes on.

and i hate that. i want her to keep reassuring me, letting me know she's still near, or with me, or connected. i still talk to her and tell her to give me a sign but mostly she doesn't anymore. i get angry--it's not fair that she knows i'm still here but i don't know she is, or so i reason... "fair is fair" i want to remind her--one of her expressions.

occasionally i will still hear her voice in my head--sometimes at random moments--and unexpectedly, and that seems to help me feel closer to her.

one of the most recent occurrences happened when i was crying and was interrupted by her saying "get over it" (another one of her expressions) which was the first time i was given a "hint" (she wasn't exactly the most subtle) that perhaps she finds my prolonged grief a bit exasperating. or tiresome. or she feels i should be stronger than i am at this point. i don't know.

my loss is my mom and it's been a little over three years and i so desperately miss my old life with her--so desperately miss her. we were extremely close, we lived together forever, she was my best friend. and in spite of her apparent silence lately i know she is still with me, hears me, knows what i'm going through. i know this because she loved me (more than anyone else in the world) and that energy of love is what keeps her energy connected to me. (still, the occasional smell of her perfume, or finding a certain trinket on the sidewalk that was one of our running jokes, or having a light flash, or the knocking sound on her bedroom wall--a reassurance/a "proof" that she is still here would be nice. i'll ask her for a sign for christmas. maybe then...)

[easttexaslefty]

6. They do happen less frequently but

After 5 years & 3 months, I can tell you they still occur. Just when I think I will never have another, he lets me know he still around.

[orleans]

9. i just wrote the post above yours tuesday night

and this morning--thursday morning--A SIGN
walking through the living room--hit full on with the scent of my mom's perfume! omg! it's been a few months and how wonderful to pass through that again.

[auntAgonist]

11. how awesome ...

memories fill our hearts and hopefully bring joy.



Merry Christmas!

kesha

[easttexaslefty]

5. No, you're not selfish at all.

I feel the same way. I would give absolutely anything to have one more moment with my son.
(((((Derby))))

[derby378]

7. Doing better today

crispini invited me to an Unsilent Night gathering in downtown, but my folks surprised me with an impromptu dinner invite where I could see my nephew - he is getting so big. The food was good, the company was better. Family definitely helps.

[easttexaslefty]

8. Yes, it does.

Do what gives you comfort, this holiday season, derby. <3

[auntAgonist]

10. derby, I think of Ginny often and wonder how you're doing. I'm SO glad you're feeling better

tonight.

I didn't see this post till now and wanted to chime in and wish you a happy Christmas.

I'm glad you have family around and little people sure make for fun times and awesome memories.





kesha

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. Yes, it helps to be with friends and family.

This year I was actually looking forward to the holidays again, and I marvelled a bit at it. Of course I stil miss my folks, but I am okay.

I am glad you found some comfort in being with others.

[derby378]

13. A BIG THANKS to everyone who responded

Christmas was lovely. I got to see all my folks in East Texas, where we all got snowed in and enjoyed a really White Christmas. While the sheriff closed off the roads and highways in the county to all but emergency traffic, we hunkered down, ate, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company.

I heard about the tornadoes that hit Texas - fortunately, none of them touched down anywhere near us.

[McCIoud]

14. +1