Hello my friends. I am having real trouble with Christmas.

[Paper Roses]

This season was, for my family, a season of great celebration and gift giving.
Since my husband died, it has changed. At least for me. I has been four years and it has gotten worse.

I no longer look forward to the season. We used to shop together, wrap together and generally do all those preparations for Christmas things that were usual to us.
Now, I don't find any joy is what I have to do alone.
The family has decided to do a Secret Santa so it is one adult to buy for.

My grandchildren are getting older so it is hard to choose something for then.
I cannot get myself to put up a big tree. I am alone now so I got a small tabletop tree and decorated it. This was more for the benefit of family.

All our old ornaments are still in the attic. I don't even want to bring the boxes down.
I feel like a Scrooge because I have had to cut back on presents for all. This was a family choice but it makes me sad that we have come to this.

I hope for all of you in this group, a Happy and Merry Christmas. I hope your Christmas is full of joy and happiness.

[Tikki]

1. Hugs...

The fact that this well be a reality for most people doesn't make it feel any less sad.

Sometimes just getting out and about helps pass the time. Maybe check out some of the holiday pageants
or music performances. Start maybe one new tradition for yourself this time of year.
Even though I live where it will never snow...our local Mall freezes an ice skating rink in December and I go there
to watch the skaters all through the holiday.


Tikki

[bitchkitty]

2. I am so sorry for your loss.

Christmas can a very hard and lonely time of year for anyone, especially someone who has suffered a loss such as yours. Have you talked to your children about this?

[Geoff R. Casavant]

3. I think any advice I might give would sound condescending.

I'm not in your shoes, and I can only barely imagine the grief you are going through.

But you must remember that even though your husband is gone, there are still many many people who love you. Sometimes the only way to get happy is to make others happy. Perhaps you know of other folks who will be spending the holidays alone, why not invite them to spend the day with you?

Or, if your old traditions are too painful right now, you might try making new ones. Perhaps donate some gifts to a shelter, and bring them in person?

Above all, remember that the world remains a better place simply by your presence in it.

[JustAnotherGen]

4. Me too

Tons of hugs . . . We lost my dad after a short battle with cancer on August 13th. It's just a not a 'Merry' one this year.

[livetohike]

5. In 1992, when my Grandmother died, my Aunt said to me "Everything is going to be different now."

She was right. We don't gather as a big family anymore since Grandma was the focal point of our Christmas Eve celebration. I think it is true for all families.

My Dad died in Nov. 2004 - since it was close to Thanksgiving, the entire holiday season has been affected with sadness. My Mom hasn't had any "Christmas spirit" since my Dad passed. Just today she said, "I'm not in the spirit of Christmas." So, I will go down there as I have every year and drag some of her decorations out, help her put up a small tree and help her hang the cards she receives. She still hasn't sent any yet this year. Now she is saying she isn't going over to my brother's where we have been celebrating Christmas Eve since my Dad died. She says this every year.

I think whatever way you choose to decorate is a good start. I told my Mom that her grandchildren (all young adults) are still excited about Christmas and when they come to see her over the holiday week, wouldn't it be nice if her house at least looked like Christmas?

Hugs to you and your family during this holiday season. New traditions have to be started. Everything is going to be different (as my Aunt said).

[47of74]

10. My grandma died in July 2003

And since then Christmas has been different for us. We had one more Christmas Eve in her home before selling it. Since then we've been trying gathering at different relatives and have even hosted Christmas Eve for a few relatives, but we're more content now just to stay home.

My paternal grandparents are still with me, and are getting to the point too where I know their time on Earth is quite limited. I've become real stubborn about having Christmas Day off from work because I don't know how many more I'm going to have with them. I know Christmas will change for us when the first one leaves us and then even more when the other passes on. I don't know sometimes if I could make it through their leaving when that comes. Losing my maternal grandma was hard enough.

[livetohike]

12. It's hard, but you realize how precious the time is and are taking steps to

make the most of it!

I miss my Grandparents most at Christmas. We make the ethnic foods (we're Slovak) as per tradition and that helps keep them close. I didn't know my maternal Grandfather. He died when my Mom was 13 and Grandma never re-married. I had my paternal Grandparents until 1979 and 1986. All of them were Slovak...

[We are Devo]

6. So sorry...

This will be my first Xmas without my sister. She died last Dec. 23 from pancreatic cancer. Can you find one thing, no matter how small, to hold on to give you hope and joy? I have my dog, she makes me happy. Maybe starting new traditions for the holidays would help, instead of focusing on what used to be. There are many people in need right now; lonely people who need friendly visitors.

Hope you get through this season okay. I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy...

[auntAgonist]

7. I just now saw your post and I'm so pleased there are others here who replied

Know that I'm thinking of you.

It is SO hard. My Mum passed away in '97 and for me it's not gotten any easier. I cannot begin to imagine how traumatic and very sad it must be to lose the one you love and hope to spend the rest of your life with.

Can you make some new traditions, perhaps volunteer somewhere....
My hope for you is that you find some comfort this Christmas and the year ahead fills your heart with good memories and a whole lot less loneliness.



kesha

[Blandocyte]

8. Sympathizing

I go through this each holiday season, too, after my mother's death in mid-December some years ago. Fortunately my live in does the decoration because I wouldn't do it. It's the usual syndrome of grief-- feel fatigued, uninterested, irritable, looking forward to the time when I don't have to feel like a jerk for not having "happy holidays." It gets better every year that it doesn't get worse, if you know what I mean. Some years have been worse than the one before it-- it's not a linear process. But each "better" year has been a blessing.

Grief counseling over the holidays every year can help, as can having someone put up and take down the decorations. Once they're up, cool-- they can lighten the mood. But putting the damn things up and taking them down is too much of a chore for the pay off if you ask me.

Nothing wrong with a little SSRI or other med during the holidays to let the sun peak around the clouds a bit, either.

For some of us, the death of someone close to us can sideline us for a long time. The holidays turn us into a glassful of tears easily prone to overflowing. So I put a bow on that glass and lean into one more day of the holiday season; god bless us, every one.

[We are Devo]

9. I agree..

Nothing wrong with the meds. I regularly take Cymbalta and I have Ativan on hand for those grief-induced panics, the ones where I start crying and can't stop...I think it helps to scale back on our expectations of the holidays. My family isn't in to the gift giving and decorating thing, and we're all atheists, so that helps too.

We will all get through this together, comrades!

[pipi_k]

11. Me too...

First, I'm very sorry for your loss. I wouldn't even want to imagine how painful it must have been for you...how painful it must still be...

As for Christmas...as time has gone on and I've gotten older, I've come to like the season less and less because of all the losses over the years.

So many people...gone.

The most recent was my little brother, who died this past February at the age of 40 after a long and painful battle with alcoholism, the results of that being the eventual failure of his liver and kidneys.

He lived up here in Mass, but a few weeks before his death he went to visit our mom in Florida. He wanted to die in the arms of the woman who gave him life. He did.

He left behind a wife and two great kids.

Our mom. And all his other sisters and step-brothers and step-sisters.

There were 17 years between us...he and my son were only 6 months apart in age, and they were more like brothers than uncle and nephew. I was like a second mom to him. I feel like there is a double loss now. My brother. My "adopted" son.

Not that I don't already know the pain of losing a child. My youngest child...the third...who was supposed to have been born on Christmas, 1974, was premature. She died in Feb, 1975 at the age of 3 months.

Christmas music makes me very sad. I don't want to hear it. And I can't stand when they play the "oldies" Christmas music on the radio and the song by Connie Francis comes on..."Baby's First Christmas".

Christmas hurts, yet we have to put on a happy face for the benefit of friends and family and pretend we're having fun, when deep down inside the pain can be overwhelming at times.

We're not supposed to be sad or cry. I cry when nobody is watching.

So I have gifts to wrap. Cards to mail out. And family functions to attend. And I'm tired and depressed and just waiting for it all to be over for another year.

[Tippy]

14. Dec. 17, my son died I don't want to go into the details but, Josh is missed by all who loved him

It was in 2004 he left us.....
Just knowing that he is now celebrating Christmas with Jesus somehow makes it easier. I try not to think of that horrible day but instead dwell on the happy times...It helped me....Going on is not easy but it is also not impossible.

[auntAgonist]

15. thinking of you .. and so terribly sorry for your loss.

kesha

[Tippy]

16. Thank you....it helps to have a place to visit when things get tough..

[orleans]

17. you certainly weren't the only one with these feelings

last week i asked my daughter: "how about if we put off christmas until it feels like christmas?"

even she wasn't feeling in the mood/spirit/whatever

depressed for over 2 years since i lost my mom--this is the third year with a tabletop tree--put up for my daughter's benefit. the ornaments stayed in their boxes in the garage as they have for the past three xmases. the tree has lights. that's enough.

it's terribly hard to muster up that spark that was once there. wonder if it will ever come back. then again, i don't really care--it doesn't matter anymore.

[curious_citizen]

18. Life, and death, comes at you fast, then you have the holidays..

I am sharing because I feel your pain and discomfort. In 2003 my mother in law passed away just prior to Christmas so suffice it to say it was not full of cheer in our household. Then in february of 2004 my wife found a lump in her breast and unfortunately it was malignant. While we were adjusting to our new reality, my mother was diagnosed with a similar lump in june of that year. My mom and wife both had mastectomies to attempt to eradicate the problem. Two weeks later my mother is rushed to emergency with the chills. Several weeks later we have to unplug her from the machines. So within the course of 10 months we lost two mothers and were fighting to save my wife's life. So that holiday season was about as fun as it could be, Not. My wife survived til 2007, then cancer won the fight.
Folks ask how we enjoyed the holidays or what we are doing, I usually say we are just gonna have a quiet Christmas, when in reality I would love to feel inspired and decorating, smelling cakes, and pies, etc.. but I am just not in the mood. Most of the time I dont bring the ornaments down or decorate outside, it is just too painful.
PS I got remarried to a woman that I thought would provide some of those feelings and things, but neither she or I was ready for what it took to climb that hill. the marriage lasted an agonizing 8 months. I feel blessed to have had a great marriage the first time and will always cherish the laughter, and memories.

[auntAgonist]

19. Yours is such a heart wrenching story ..

To say I'm sorry for all of your losses is an understatement.

Welcome to our little group. I hope you can find some comfort and healing here.

aA
kesha

[curious_citizen]

20. Thanks

I'm still working thru it but God has ways of letting you know if you are on the right path. So I continue to pray and be a blessing to others. So it is getting better. But again thanks and happy new year. May 2012 be your best year ever