God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles

[progressoid]

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord Our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles. “From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance. “Let me be absolutely clear: If you go and do 90 on your Arctic Cat, smash your skull in, and are declared clinically dead for a few minutes, you absolutely will not get to glimpse Heaven, see My face, or even watch scenes from your life passing before your eyes—none of it. I’ve done all that for this one idiot three times already. Enough is enough.” The Lord added that, as always, people critically injured in hang-gliding accidents would still be allowed to meet all their dead relatives before waking up.

http://www.theonion.com/article/god-refuses-grant-any-more-transcendent-near-death-52128

[deucemagnet]

1. God should consider extending that policy to ATVs. n/t

[onager]

3. Atheist Amen to that.

I've only been back here in the South a few months and fatal ATV incidents turn up in the local papers pretty often. A couple of them have happened to people my family knows.

The most recent happened about a week ago. Elderly-ish woman's ATV rolled over and pinned her underneath it. She couldn't reach her cellphone. Fortunately her sister called the cellphone, and the woman was able to punch the "Answer" button, I guess, and yell for help. She's still in the hospital.

Few months ago, a relative's retired boss took an ATV into the woods behind his house, as he had done many times before. But this time, he hit a pothole or something and went head-first into a tree. Sadly he died before anyone could send for help. His wife found him.

[deucemagnet]

4. I'm in the rural south and I see it all the time here.

Although I'm tempted to make a snarky remark about natural selection, it really is a public health problem.

[awoke_in_2003]

5. My father worked the ER for years...

he said if I must buy the grandson a motor sport device, make it a dirt bike. Yeah, you might get a broken arm or leg, but a flipped ATV will crush your chest.

[Freelancer]

2. Without the white light headwound survivor types, the pool of would-be preachers goes way down.

And, if they don't become preachers, we might have to work in cubicles next to them. Please, God, NOOO!!!!