Respectfully requesting advice about a funeral

[Holly_Hobby]

My husband's brother died, he wasn't a believer. Neither my husband or myself are believers, along with 4 of his siblings.

This brother died 3,000 miles from us, and none of us went to his non-religious service, however, the 3 extremely religious siblings rented a church with A/V equipment so we could watch on Ustream.

We've been married for 30 years and lived in the same place as the 3 extremely religious siblings. They misspelled my name in the obituary, which resulted in public humiliation for me. My phone didn't stop ringing all day when it was published - friends, my family, co-workers and even former co-workers called me to ask what kind of family misspells their sister-in-law's name after 30 years of marriage. It was a valid question.

Now, these 3 religious siblings are asking us for $135 to pay for our portion of the church rental.

First of all, I know from 14 years of weekly Sunday School, that Jesus allegedly said you don't need a church. I looked it up, it's Matthew 18:20 - it says wherever 2 or 3 of you meet, he is in the midst of them. My husband offered his brand-new union hall for free, but no, it had to be in a church. I guess the brick and mortar of a church posses special magic and a union hall doesn't?

Here's my question that I'd like your wise advice on:

Do we take a stand and not pay for the church rental? I guarantee you, it will split up the family. Do I personally care? No. However, it's not my family, it's my husband's family. But I am done with these ignorant idiots.

[Hoppy]

1. The choice should be your husband's.

[Holly_Hobby]

4. Agreed, but

my husband wants my opinion. I would have cut them out of my life long ago for many other reasons, but they're just not my family.

[jeff47]

13. There's your opinion. (nt)

[cleanhippie]

15. Then tell him that.

You've already found your answer.

[Turbineguy]

2. Helping to pay for the church

might be better than the alternative. Christians these days can be very vindictive, especially when it comes to money.

[cleanhippie]

16. Very valid point. +1

[Scuba]

3. I'm curious as to how you felt publicly humiliated because your name was spelled wrong?

Your husband should decide if retaining good relations with his family is worth $135.

[Holly_Hobby]

5. It's disrespectful

They can't be bothered to get my name right. My husband and I have told the obit writer sister 4 times over the years how to spell my name. It's a common name with the common spelling. I guess she just refuses for whatever reason. Most of the xmas cards and invitation that come here from them are misspelled. Don't they read the cards I send them? After 30 years, they haven't noticed how I sign my name?

Friends, family and co-workers bringing it to my attention has been humiliating for me. I'm embarrassed that I mean nothing to them. My name is part of who I am.

[Scuba]

6. Perhaps disrespectful to ignore your corrections, but one can only humiliate oneself.

[Holly_Hobby]

20. I see your point and understand

Embarrassed? Ashamed?

I felt like I wasn't important enough to get my name right. Maybe embarrassment is the right word.

[Mariana]

27. I understand what you mean.

Most likely she is doing it on purpose to be disrespectful, but you can pretend you have no idea she's doing that. If someone brings it up, you just say something like, "Yeah, she spelled my name wrong again. I suppose she does the best she can." Try to tone it as if you feel nothing but pity for the writer, as if you're talking about someone who just can't help but screw up something as simple as spelling your name correctly.

[SusanCalvin]

31. Personally, I'd go with angry.

What a bunch of jerks.

[OriginalGeek]

36. My wife's brother refused to spell her name right

So it was also wrong in his obituary.


Can't say we miss him all that much but I do feel bad for his son - our nephew and his wife are pretty awesome people in spite of his dad.


as for your OP question: Personally it would chap my hide to pay anything for all that. I'm ornery enough that continued tolerable relations with the family would be low on my list of priorities. They only thing that would alter that is knowing what would my spouse would feel about it. You know yours best so I don;t think there's anything wrong with giving in if it helps him deal. I'd do that for my wife.

[Holly_Hobby]

37. Thanks for the good advice

My husband sent the check, and that will be the last contact with them until the next funeral. There will be many, with his big family. He is done with them, there's no going back, he made that very clear to them. He holds a grudge forever.

[beam me up scottie]

7. That's really up to your husband.

If he wants to lose his family then stand firm and refuse to pay, but there will be no going back.

Ask him to look ahead and try to imagine what it will be like, if he's better off without them then there's your answer.

[mountain grammy]

8. My husband doesn't ask my opinion because he knows what I'd say..

so, when it comes to his religious extremists family, he takes care of business and I remain silent. We keep peace in the family and, honestly, it just works better for everyone that way.

[trotsky]

9. If he wants your opinion, you should give it to him.

Exactly as you have stated it here. You have gotten nothing but disrespect from his religious family it seems, so let him know it's his call whether to give them money, but that you aren't in favor of it.

[RussBLib]

10. so, the non-religious service is complete?

and I presume that he has been buried?

So, what is with the church? Why do anything in the church if the non-religious service is already been done? And what is it that was going on in the church if there had already been a service?

I don't understand.

From what I understand of what you wrote, I would tell them to shove the $135 for the church. You or your husband didn't ask for it. Your husband's brother would not have asked for it. Why would they take it on themselves to do this without your knowledge? Asking for money afterward is really pretty crass, in my opinion.

They can't be bothered to spell your name right? You don't get along with them already? But they want your money. Screw them.

We've been placating the Christians long enough, IMHO.

[Holly_Hobby]

22. He died in California, where he's lived for the past 50 years

His family is here in Ohio. The memorial service was in CA, and we watched on Ustream here in Ohio, with another "fellowship" service right before. It just HAD to be in a church because they are religious, even though the deceased was an atheist.

WTF is a fellowship, anyway? We skipped that. My husband told them we both would be at work and would show up just in time for the streaming.

[onager]

11. Yep, if he really wants your opinion...

Give it to him, as several others have said.

I know nothing of your personal situation. But when my Fundie relatives ask for my opinion, there's usually an unspoken condition: "...as long as it agrees with mine." Which it seldom does. Hope your husband isn't like that.

In fact, I've decided I must outlive all those Fundie relatives. Otherwise they'll Jesus-Up my funeral something fierce. Not that I will care in my post-death condition, but it's annoying to even think about.

[Holly_Hobby]

23. My husband's will is very specific

and they will NOT be involved in any kind of service at all. Dead? Creamation, no services whatsoever. If I'm already dead? An attorney will handle it. Wills aren't iron-clad, but they all know his wishes.

[Yorktown]

12. The two cents from someone who disrespects religion (me): pay the $135.

The misspelling in the obituary? Probably a mistake.
The religious ceremony? If it helps them grieve, it's not hurting anyone.

All in all, you'll be paying $135 as a token for continued social relations with them.

It's up to you to decide if you think they're worth it.

Your call, ultimately. Good luck.

[Holly_Hobby]

24. Not a mistake

Their xmas card arrived today, with the same misspelling that have been coming here for 32 years.

They're not worth it to me. But, it's not my decision.

[Iggo]

14. I'd tell 'em to pound fucking sand.

They tried to spend my money without asking me.

That's a huuuuuge no-no.

No fucking way I'd pay it.

But that's me. You do whatever you need to do to preserve whatever amount of peace you're comfortable with.

[PassingFair]

17. Agree that the decision is your husband's to make.

It would be different if they had asked before hand if you guys would chip in for the church.
To just DO it and then demand that you pay "your share" .... just NO.

I would tell my husband that they should suck it, but that it is up to him if he wants
to placate them. It might be worth $125 to him to shut them up and keep the peace.

[progressoid]

18. Ugh, that's no fun.

I know the feeling. I'm currently stuck in the middle of a silent feud within my wife's family. There isn't much chance of a happy solution. And a death often makes it worse.

My name is often misspelled. I can deal with that. But wanting money for the church is kind of weird. Did you know they were going to do that?

Like others have said, I'd leave it up to your husband. It's his blood. Regardless of the outcome, don't let them get you down. Life's too short to be mired in their pettiness.

[Holly_Hobby]

25. Hell no he wasn't told it was going to cost

My husband is LIVID - their xmas card came today with the same misspelling.

He's on the phone right now. Told them if Mary had an abortion, we wouldn't have these problems. Click. OMG

[Mariana]

28. Oh, wow.

Sounds like the decision has been made. OMG is right! I have to say I've never heard it put quite that way, but I like it! Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the other end of that phone line after the click.

[amuse bouche]

19. If you were a newlywed, or in the family for a short time, I would

advise to go along to get along. However, you have been part of the family for 30 years.

Really? F them.



I would probably ignore the request for now. If they persist, I would keep ignoring them or tell them I would pray on it, just for shits and giggles. No way would I give the creeps one dollar

Clearly, they do not respect you and never will. Do not kowtow to them

[Iggo]

21. "...tell them I would pray on it..."

Nice.

[Holly_Hobby]

26. LOL n/t

[Heddi]

29. My feelings -- and let it be known, I'm an only child and don't go for this "sibling"bullshit

I am 40 years old and married to my husband for nearly 18 years and will never understand siblings. NEVER>

Anyways---

Based on what you said, they decided without your husband (or your) input to rent this church, right?

Now they want some $$ to cover the cost of something they didn't even have the respect to run by you?

Three words:
fuck
that
shit

It is one thing if this was a family decision and everyone (your husband/you included) was okay with the rental and the decision to split the cost. They have no right to come afterwards and say "You know that thing we did without your input? well now we'd like you to pay for it"

FUCK
THAT
SHIT

And I get the thing about the name. In the grand scheme of things, no big deal. But when it's done by people that you know are doing it to piss you off, it's more than a little thing. It's a blatant sign of disrespect. My father in law often "forgets" my name. Been with my husband since 97, married since 2000, fucker can't remember my name. Refers to me as "mr. heddi''s wife" or "your wife" when talking to my husband.

Seriously?

Also also also, I don't buy the bullshit argument "They're his family" Um, and what are you, chopped liver? YOU are more of family than they are, imo, because HE CHOSE YOU. You are family by choice, they are family by force. By being married, you are equal when it comes to say regarding money. If they want money from HIM then they want money from YOU. IT's that simple. There is no disqualifying the spouse's opinion because this is about "Family" and "siblings" -- You are his wife. You are an equal part in the marriage, money, and relationship. If they don't like that, tough shit. He can make the decision to divorce you, they can't. Sorry, but that shit annoys me too.

If he's asking for your opinion, tell him your opinion. YOU shouldn't have to tip-toe around this with your husband. Let him know that the little digs and bullshit over the years with the intentional misspellings and now this money thing make you very unwilling ot support giving the money to them especially if it wasn't something discussed prior.

What if they came with their hands out for a $500 portion of the bill? or $2000? The amount, in my opinion, shouldn't matter. They should have discussed this before hand or just decided to pay for it themselves. ESPECIALLY considering that the person who died wasn't religious so this wasn't THEIR last wishes.

[Curmudgeoness]

30. In reading through all the posts,

it appears that your husband made the decision already. That makes your decision no longer relevant.

I know that I would not pay this if it were my family. But I would have my husband make the final decision, since it is his family that will be angry. He wants your opinion, give it to him, but tell him that the decision is up to him and you will support whatever that is.

Also, you didn't say whether you could easily afford this amount, and I think that is an important part of the decision. If it will hurt financially, that has to be included in the decision. How much is his relationship with his family worth, and how much can you afford.

[SusanCalvin]

32. I gotta disagree about the amount mattering.

To me, it would matter if it was a tenth of a cent. Demanding money after the fact for something that wasn't wanted anyway is just plain wrong.

[Curmudgeoness]

33. The point is

that this is a family matter, as well as an economic matter. It is a major deal to risk breaking all ties with siblings, so there are times when you bite the bullet if family is important enough. But if it is going to be a situation where you can't afford it, that makes the decision for you.

You are right that the amount doesn't matter if you are ready to walk away from your family. Personally, I would never give them a penny. Then again, no one in my family would ever pull this shit. They would know better, and if they didn't, they would learn fast. Apparently, the OP was not sure what to do or she would not have asked us.

[SusanCalvin]

34. Didn't say I would or wouldn't walk away.

Just that I felt the amount wasn't relevant in the decision. It's still a question of whether you overlook something seriously wrong, or not.

[Freelancer]

35. The most irritating thing to do to Christians is to be impeccable and kind to them

Your relatives have just been reminded of the scariness of death, and have ordered up a heap of their preferred psychological "comfort food" -- religion. And, like most of us at these times, they want to know that they aren't alone -- that they are loved. Asking you to go to a church and chip in $135 is not appropriate, but a lot of love tests that people fling around are equally nonsensical. At moments like this, it isn't about religion, or being smart, or about who's right. It's visceral and tribal. My suggestion is that you go along -- not just to 'get along', but because death invokes the pre-rational in us all. I suggest that you just give your higher brain functions the night off, eat a little potato salad, and make your stand some other day.

PS: Alcohol might be helpful.