Muslim Cleric: Masturbate, Guys, And Your Hands Get Pregnant In The Afterlife

[onager]

Trigger Warning #1: Posted in the Atheists/Agnostics Group, a safe haven of master-baiters

Trigger Warning #2: NY Post

Well, this is some of the most Sophisticated Theology I ever read. In the Comments, someone asked the obvious question: What happens to masturbating women in the Afterlife? Maybe their hands are permanently glued to a TV remote-control that will not move off of "19 Kids & Counting."

A Muslim televangelist has advised male followers to stop masturbating — because it will leave their hands pregnant in the afterlife.

Turkish preacher Mücahid Cihad Han told viewers that masturbation was forbidden in Islam...
“One hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said during his program on private television station 2000 TV...

According to The Hurriyet Daily News, a news source for Turkey and the region, the Quran does not make a clear reference to masturbation “and the authenticity of many hadiths is questionable.”

Han, who has more than 12,000 followers on Twitter, was mercilessly mocked on social media after newspapers published his TV “fatwa.”

http://nypost.com/2015/05/26/televangelist-warns-men-who-masturbate-your-hands-will-be-pregnant-in-afterlife/

[mr blur]

1. Damn, I hate it when that happens! (nt)

[RussBLib]

2. how much more absurd can they get?

don't EVEN TRY to answer that.

[Lordquinton]

4. Wear rubber gloves

problem solved.

[AlbertCat]

6. Wear rubber gloves

OMG!

Now you are preventing a would-be.... er... hand-baby from living! That's just like murder!!!!


Hand-baby killer!

[bvf]

5. Credit to Gerald Scarfe...

[olddots]

7. and once again

hey dad I'm over here .

[beam me up scottie]

8. This ranks right up there with the congressman who said fetuses masturbate in the womb.

Someone ate too many lead paint chips when they were a kid...

[onager]

9. This is an "Ask-the-Imam" kind of guy.

WARNING - repeat of old stuff for newer readers...

"Ask-an-Imam" TV/radio shows are incredibly popular all over the Middle East. The article calls him a "televangelist," which is probably the closest Western equivalent of what he does.

The idea is that anybody can call into the show and get an instant fatwa on a religious question.

When I lived in Egypt, the results of these quickie fatwas were sometimes hilarious:

1. A believer once asked if it was OK for married couples to be completely naked when they have sex. The imam said NO, it wasn't. He dug up some obscure hadith to prove that married couples should never see each other totally naked, even when boinking.

That got the attention of Souad Saleh, one of the very few women qualified as an expert in sharia law. (She's a professor of that subject at Cairo's al-Azhar University, the oldest Islamic university in the world.)

Saleh called into the show herself, and told the imam he was "crazy."

2. Another time, someone asked if it was OK for a devout Muslim woman to be escorted in public by a male household employee, instead of a relative. Like her chauffeur or servant.

The Ask-An-Imam said it would be legal if the woman "suckled" her male employee. That would make him a relative under Islamic law.

The phone lines immediately burned up with smart-asses calling in to volunteer for duty as drivers and household servants. Even members of the Muslim Brotherhood laughed at that one.

[beam me up scottie]

10. LMAO!

[onager]

13. Off-topic BMUS - how is...

...the critter situation in your part of TN right now? Because southeast of you, where I'm sitting. it's pretty weird.

Snakes are coming out in droves, esp. the damn copperheads. That's fairly normal for spring but this year there just seem to be a lot more. Several people have been bitten recently at state parks etc., including a 10-yr-old girl. Happily, nobody has died yet from a bite.

Then we have the bears. Who at least have not killed any kids for mocking a bald-headed prophet. But 2 black bears have been hit and killed on local highways in the past few days.

A few days ago, a black bear went wandering around a local university campus. He ended up in the back yard of the university President's house. The Bear Cops just kept an eye on him, and eventually he ran off into the woods. And is still at large, AFAIK.

The experts say these are all young male black bears, pushed out of the family by Mom to fend for themselves. So I guess we can blame the Ursine Matriarchy, or something.

[beam me up scottie]

14. Oh it's definitely a banner year for snakes.

I don't worry about the Copperheads as much as the Water Moccasins, they're really thriving in this heat and humidity. With all the rain we had here this month there are a lot of flooded fields and a bumper crop of frogs to bring them out of their normal areas.

We had a huge Pine snake living under the house but he died last year, I miss him. Several Garters and a couple of large Skinks have moved into his old home and while their dispositions are much nicer they just aren't big enough to keep the larger mice and rats in check. The damned things are a real problem since we're surrounded by corn, wheat and soybean fields. Luckily our secondary back up dog thinks he's a Rat Terrier.

The bears, raccoons, skunks and opossums are also roaming far and wide. Not sure about your area but we had a drought late last summer and an abnormally cold winter so that would explain why they're on the move here.

I heard my creepy neighbor yelling at the coyotes the other night, something about getting off his lawn. They have about a dozen dogs but he still fears for his life.

[Lordquinton]

11. to be fair

He and i may have watched the same anime.

[Tobin S.]

12. My hands are going to make the Duggars look like empty-nesters.