I am Adam Lanza
This meditation is prompted by the events in Connecticut.
"I am Adam Lanza."
I am a nondualist who follows Advaita, the way of Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj. My truth is that there is no difference between you and me, no separation between "my" consciousness and all-that-is. The appearance of separateness is an illusion - "I AM" both all there is and nothing at all.
In this way of being, there is literally no difference between me and Adam Lanza, the Connecticut shooter. He is me.
It's not just that in some abstract way I must "assume responsibility" for what happened there because "we are all one". It's much closer than that.
I looked through the sights of that rifle, into the eyes of those children. I pulled the trigger. I watched them die. He is me, I AM him. I did that.
In the same moment I AM each of those children.
I looked into the eyes above that rifle. I stared into the tiny black hole in its tip. I felt the fear, I saw the finger move on the trigger. I saw the beginning of the flash, and I felt the incomprehensible result.
I also lay on the floor in the corner of the classroom - face down as my teacher had told me, trying in vain to hide in plain sight. I heard feet stop beside me. I saw the tip of a boot out of the corner of my eye. I felt that enormous blow as the darkness came.
I AM the parents answering the awful telephone call. I AM the politicians, frozen like deer in the headlights of this insoluble, irreversible moment. I AM all the separated ones, unable to bear the pain, retreating desperately into the unconsciousness of platitudes and projections.
And I AM my mundane self, working hard to become aware, open and vulnerable, to truly BE all-that-is. And into this open space come the the trigger finger and the bullets, the fear and pain, and the grief and rage of a world betrayed.
In this mundane life I have taken the name Bodhi, as a reminder of the state to which I aspire. In Buddhism, a Bodhisattva takes a vow to work for the liberation or moksha of all sentient beings for as long as samsara persists. As I AM all beings, and they are me, I AM here until that happens. As are all of us.
I AM Adam Lanza, and with this voice I say to the world,
"I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you."
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