2004-2012 (venus, heartbreak, reconciliation of self)

[FirstLight]

8 years between Venus transits... then another 100+ till the next pair. That's pretty powerful...

I was reading about the transit and the eclipse today and it dawned on me that 2004 was a really big year for me personally, the year I left my abusive marriage and started over with two babies, a teen, and whatever we could carry...

Life is definitely better now, but this week I am feeling the struggle and angst more than in a long time, and now I guess I get to understand why. These feelings are coming up to be healed once more, and put to rest for good... My heart has been breaking today, not for the loss of my idealism in Love, or the abuse and the marriage (which only lasted 3 years, but yielded a lifetime of change)..but the loneliness that remains with me...
As a single mom, I "do" it all, I am the cook, cleaner, breadwinner, nurse, comforter, enforcer, etc. Most of the time I am very glad I am the queen of my own castle, and that my 'routine' is my own.
But right now I am feeling so very overwhelmed, so very lonely and bored and feel like I have been alone for most of my adult life. No relationships have lasted more than a few years, usually less...and nobody has come close to wanting me and my kids in the 8 years since I got 'free' ...and now the babies are 9 & 10 and miss having a father figure more than ever. and it makes me feel bad for them, too.

Again, usually I don't mind it. Usually, I revel in my independence...but for some reason these past couple days I have been acutely aware of the fact that I don't have that love and attention. I GIVE love all the time, I cuddle my kids and my pets, and offer friends my heart in many ways...but I have not been HELD in so very long. and have not had someone tell me how great I am or care for me. Self nurturing can only go so far..
My Elder says the feeling of loneliness comes when I am disconnected from Source and not calling on my guides and tapping into that LOVE...
perhaps she is right, but it doesn't change the fact I want to sometimes BE cared FOR - (on the physical plane) -instead of Doing the Caring

Anyway, I just needed to share because try as I may I cannot shake these tears... hopefully they will wash my mind and heart clean so that I can step forward once again tomorrow...and just keep on keeping on.

as a side note/request - wonder if anyone knows where I can look up or if anyone can read for me the difference in my chart from 2004 to now, I wonder whether any of this is obvious in my planets, and I can find some hope lingering in the corners there...

[OneGrassRoot]

1. ....

[FirstLight]

3. you rock

thanks hun

[kimmerspixelated]

2. So much of your heart!

That was beautiful of you to share! ..I can truly relate to your concerns. I'm no intuitive, or maybe I am and don't know it yet, but I sense tremendous growth in the stillness between your words. Does that make sense?

It IS hard to do it all for yourself and to wonder if you can do it yet another day! I like what you said about your Elders advice. I have often asked, Why do I continually find myself alone..?

One time as an answer this is what I got..

The night before I dreamed I was looking at a book that was on my desk that I hadn't started reading yet... The next day I found the book and just randomly flipped through the pages, and happened to stop where the character was going through a similar questioning about loneliness. Another character said, that " You get your power from being alone here in the woods."


Something I do is a "Power-up"...

To MAKE myself feel better, to generate creativity, or whatever, I take a deep breath and FILL my heart with the greatest feelings of love I can muster...( for whoever, whatever, a nice beach trip, Johnny Depp(HAHA) whatever! I let it sit and glow as if I'm a candle... I flicker myself into a million different shades of light and hold onto it as long as possible.It is always renewable.

You can take it anywhere you go.

Another thing...Take yourSELF out on a date! NO distractions... Dress up for YOU!...The perfume no one else likes-Pshaw-spritz it on for YOU! Buy yourself flowers, movies, dining, the works...whatever or cuddle on the couch alone with yourself, and pick a great movie. When I do that, I always put on the most luxuriously comfortable pants or socks. Light a lavendar candle for YOU!

Crying is good. It always refreshes me to let it all out..

[FirstLight]

4. ...

lots of good stuff there...I will attempt the power up tomorrow if I can...

thanks for just listening and sharing too sometimes it just helps to know I am not as alone as i think, you know?

[kimmerspixelated]

6. You got it.

We're all one and here for each other.

[magical thyme]

5. my take on the venus / sun transit is that it is shining a spotlight on key relationships

Yours is another example of it. Thank you for sharing this with us.

"But right now I am feeling so very overwhelmed, so very lonely and bored and feel like I have been alone for most of my adult life." I'm feeling very much the same right now...

But if I think about it, I feel the most alone when I am forced into a situation with people that I don't resonate with at all. Such as my family, or at work, where there isn't a single person I can talk to about what I truly believe about pretty much anything. Everything I say or do becomes fodder for criticism, gossip, ridicule and contempt. That is the worst loneliness there is, I think.

One thought that arose yesterday is that our single, biggest relationship is with our self. That is the one that needs the most healing balm and may be why we are alone right now.

It is also when we are alone that we can do our most creative work, whether it is hands-on in the 3-d world, or transforming our spirits and lives from inside out...

[FirstLight]

7. amen to that

I woke up thinking about my 'self' and where I may have less than ideal relationship with my own soul and personality...

already rollin into the day with a huge headache, hoping i can ease up a bit today

[ManyShadesOf]

9. themes in common

The reflection on relationship, then and now; alone, aware and all right, right? NOT with those that don't resonate. This theme shows up repeatedly in articles about this time. Perhaps preparation for something, if only being strong and loving for others?

Return of the Feminine
http://www.mysticmamma.com/venus-transit-june-5thjune-6th-2012-heralding-return-of-the-feminine/

This is from someone on FaceBook called The Moon Woman:

I felt moved to write this in a private group page created by Shae Matthews to empower the masculine & then thought to share it with y'all! 'I reckon a mature man is one who acknowledges & takes responsibility for his shadow (wounded aspects) by taking proactive steps to heal & empower himself beyond his early conditioning. He has taken the inner descent to awaken his own inner mother / lover so he doesn't need to possess or be taken care of by a woman. And he has explored all the aspects that make up his masculine psyche so they each are afforded expression in his waking life, enabling him to stand tall in his foundation gender whilst expressing his soul self which is yin/yang. A mature man has individuated from his father's view of him & acknowledges his need for brotherly love in the form of men's circles on a regular basis to share his life lessons in a spirit of humility & vulnerability. A man who is mature has made a commitment to fulfill his potential so he may serve the greater good (Spirit) doing that which awakens his inner light. For without a purpose a man is but a lost boy. To find his purpose he must first find himself & to find himself it is an irony that he must find his other half within. Blessings on all of you undertaking this Hero's Journey - we celebrate your efforts!' Tanishka...love to hear your thoughts as Venus highlights our yearning to heal the gender war, inner & outer!

[kimmerspixelated]

13. Wow, I have really enjoyed the link!

Thank you. It explains a lot!

And it is interesting,too,the excerpt you pasted falls in line with a discussion at the meditation group about how our purpose is to find our other half(soul).

[ManyShadesOf]

15. it's a good one!

Re: other half, so many I know are going thru extreme challenges in relationship at this time ....

[mother earth]

16. Welcome, ManyShadesOf, kudos on the link...good stuff :)

[ManyShadesOf]

19. Thank you mother earth

[felix_numinous]

8. FirstLight

and everyone Thank you for sharing your heart.

I am living alone after a major split with everything, started over in 08--marriage, many major relationships, left for another state. What I am hearing here sounds SO familiar, it was like a dark night of the soul, truly.

[BlueIris]

10. Venus Retrograde is perfect for reexamining the ways we love.

I've also been doing some retrospective stuff this week re: my bad past relationships. It's been...enlightening.

[The Blue Flower]

11. Sweet are the uses of adversity

You shared your pain in such a heartfelt way and by doing so opened us up to a discussion that has helped many of us who are going through the same things. There's power in the sharing, power for healing, which we all need. I can tell you from experience, you will discover reserves and inner strength you never imagined you have, and you will use that self-knowledge to create a life that you love. You'll do it for yourself and your children.

[FirstLight]

12. thanks so much

to you and all who were moved by my sharing... this week of transits and eclipse has definitely been a challenge to say the least

Interestingly enough, I also read that the Venus transit would touch on Mother relationships and activate the divine feminine... and it has been powerful in that respect as well for me. My mom actually came to see me thursday just to offer me moral support and tell me I am worth more than I think, which is a pretty cool thing considering I always thought she was dissapointed in me

I guess this whole relationship to self thing is still unfolding...and I have yet to learn how to take in the love that is offered to me and really OWN my worthiness...

[kimmerspixelated]

14. I say Hip-Hip Hurray for The Divine Feminine!

Thanks Venus! Thanks Mayans!

Thanks...for the Memories..or (Mammorys sp?) ...HAHAHA I can't believe I just punned!

[mother earth]

17. A big AMEN to that! Isn't it wonderful? Venus is working its magic and its zeroing right in...lots

of women I know are feeling this. I'm amazed, it's touching a whole lot of lives...magnified Venus or what?

[mother earth]

18. Hang in there. "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" ;)