A Grand Cross / Solar Eclipse Revelation

[magical thyme]

I kept reading that the solar eclipse with the Grand Cross would bring a major revelation. All I knew is that I was very depressed leading up to it. Kept dreaming of my conductor. I had never been able to properly grieve due to final exams, starting the new job/new career, and then being stalked and harassed by the crazy janitor.

Now, I thought, I was finally able to finish the grieving. But I felt all week like I would always be grieving.

Then I woke up on the morning of the eclipse with a sudden revelation. When I met him, I'd been drifting through life a misfit without a goal or purpose. My 1st career, which gave me 18 or so years of good employment and ultimately bought me my little farm, came as a result of my trying to be good enough for him. He had provided the motivation for me to try to fit my round peg into some square hole just so I would not seem to be a total loser.

When he re-appeared in my life 10 years ago, it was after my career had crashed and I was almost paralyzed with fear, 50 and virtually unemployable. And when I opened myself up to him, I again felt not good enough. I remember at the call center job, which specifically services teacher's pensions, my fear that he would call and discover I was a phone rep. I could have stayed at that job and not ended up with the mountain of student loans I now have, but I pushed through the nightmare challenge of school because I wanted to be "good enough" for him. Only this 2nd career has led to disaster and financial ruin.

I have never been "good enough." That has been the theme of my life. No matter what I did, I was never "good enough" for my mother. If I got 100 on a test, she demanded to know why I didn't get the bonus point. If I got the bonus point, there was something else, always something else.

And after hours of thinking about this, and my anger and hurt that I've never been "good enough" no matter what I did (and falsely accused many, many times in my life of doing often the exact opposite of what I'd done), now was mixed with anger at myself for having ruined myself financially trying to be "good enough" this last time.

And then I forgave myself for my mistake, for not feeling good enough and acting and making choices through that belief, that if I can just be good enough, then everything will be ok. And when I forgave myself for that, my grief lifted.

The Pele Report yesterday was talking about the 2nd house - 8th house, Taurus-Scorpio opposition within the Grand Cross...that it was about self-worth. For me, that has been it in a nutshell. And happenings in both my part time jobs are underscoring it right now, and not in a good way...

[LiberalLoner]

1. You are more than good enough: You are magnificent.

[get the red out]

2. You are definitely "good enough"

I completely understand where you are coming from. Trying to be "good enough" has given me plenty of pain also, unnecessary pain.

We have to be true to ourselves, it's the only way. I feel like I wasted years, but in the end we are all on a path, it's part of the path. Many people never wake up to the better roads they can take on their path. To do so is a very good think, no matter when.

[Squinch]

3. I agree that you are so much more than good enough.

BUT I also think that the realization you had - that you have spent so much time trying to live up to other people's standards, or garner other people's approval, and it has never worked for you - is one of the secrets to achieving happiness. Once you realize that the only person you need to impress with your life is yourself, I think that is when you begin to find happiness.

No time is ever wasted. No choice is ever wasted. No experience is ever a waste. If you have learned to let go of what these others want for you, and embrace what you want for yourself, things will start to get better from here.

[PumpkinAle]

4. You are good enough.........