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FirstLight

(14,082 posts)
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 05:56 PM Dec 2011

Giving, Receiving... and *stuff*

I broke the bank today.

Yep, spent $60 out of a $72 paycheck just to make sure my kids had something in their stockings and an even number of presents. So I got home and unpacked everything I had bought over the past couple weeks and laid it all out to see who has what and if it worked... and ended up taking some toys from the kids' pile and hopefully making some kind of gift that's acceptable for my sister's kids too... can't leave anyone out right? And, of course, there's a couple things for mommy, just so it doesn't look like santa stiffed me...but really, a couple of cheap facemasks and some lipstick is about it.
I wish just once that i could go to a family Christmas function NOT feeling like I was lacking something. Like I wasn't just the one doing the 'taking' and that i had something better to give than a cheap $10 thingy so my sister doesn't think I am too ungrateful... I dunno, Christmas always makes me feel poorer. (my mom is always being really generous and my sister is pretty financially set too, so I end up being the 'odd man out' at christmas..or so it feels.)


On the flip side, I realize I am so RICH when it comes to Life!
we have a good rental house, warmth, water, lights, food in the fridge and warm snuggles on a winter night. I have kids who still crawl in bed with me in the middle of the night and wake up to cuddles and giggles every morning. I have flexible work that allows me to be there for the kids when needed. I have my health, even if it feels like it ain't that great at times, I am better off than SOOOO many!

I also have Love of friends and family here and elsewhere, and HERE at ASAH. I am grateful every day for the support I have ...
So I guess out of the pieces of me that feels like 'not enough' i really DO have enough of the things that count.

My prayer is to remember that more, and hope that the world will follow suit...

23 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Giving, Receiving... and *stuff* (Original Post) FirstLight Dec 2011 OP
I think a lot of folks can relate kimmerspixelated Dec 2011 #1
I hear you Matariki Dec 2011 #2
What would it take -- Remember Me Dec 2011 #3
oh yea FirstLight Dec 2011 #4
Boy, I hear ya. Remember Me Dec 2011 #7
I LOVE that idea Matariki Dec 2011 #9
Our family does Secret Santa. Dulcinea Dec 2011 #10
bless you shanti Dec 2011 #5
Here in Howlerville Howler Dec 2011 #6
that's kinda where i am going, too FirstLight Dec 2011 #8
I love all your suggestions! Dulcinea Dec 2011 #11
My sister is having a hard time financially eilen Dec 2011 #12
I love this... OneGrassRoot Dec 2011 #13
I hope the 21 year old has SheilaT Dec 2011 #21
I'm odd woman out Why Syzygy Dec 2011 #14
That's really good advice.... OneGrassRoot Dec 2011 #17
Thanks, OGR Why Syzygy Dec 2011 #19
too true! *gifts* come in many forms FirstLight Dec 2011 #15
*chills* Why Syzygy Dec 2011 #16
... OneGrassRoot Dec 2011 #18
THis is why I hate Christmas BlueToTheBone Dec 2011 #20
Heads up everyone. SheilaT Dec 2011 #22
well it really didn't matter much in the end... FirstLight Dec 2011 #23

kimmerspixelated

(8,423 posts)
1. I think a lot of folks can relate
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 06:08 PM
Dec 2011

and it was really great that you shared. You ARE rich! And the fact that you know exactly what is important about life, makes you ahead of so many people. Blessings for a wonderful Christmas!

Matariki

(18,775 posts)
2. I hear you
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 06:27 PM
Dec 2011

there is so much stress in the present thing. I always say that Santa Claus is a capitalist plot to spread the propaganda that "good" people get more things and therefore having more things means you're "good" and if you have little you must be "bad".

 

Remember Me

(1,532 posts)
3. What would it take --
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 07:58 PM
Dec 2011

for you to be able to let go of this:

I wish just once that i could go to a family Christmas function NOT feeling like I was lacking something. Like I wasn't just the one doing the 'taking' and that i had something better to give than a cheap $10 thingy so my sister doesn't think I am too ungrateful... I dunno, Christmas always makes me feel poorer. (my mom is always being really generous and my sister is pretty financially set too, so I end up being the 'odd man out' at christmas..or so it feels.)

(I'm trying to be helpful here. Hope it comes off that way.)

Can you identify what's really at the bottom of all that, if there are any deeper layers, and release it/them? OR, a technique I've had wonderful results with is simply to hand it all over to my Higher Self for "resolution." Any fear, anxiety, and other negative emotions I'm able to identify.

OR, is there something else that could happen or you could do to supplant those feelings or avoid feeling like that in the future?

FirstLight

(14,082 posts)
4. oh yea
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 08:05 PM
Dec 2011

I know there are LOTS of layers to that self-flaggelation piece. I was just adding it in because yes, I would like to be able to just focus on something meaningful, but sometimes I also don't know what to get for my family members who seem to have 'everything' not to mention the fact that i hate not being able to just get what i'd like to, and not worry about if I could afford it...but that is a HUGE piece of my LIFE lessons about abundance too...

I actually suggested to my sister and mom that next year, since the kids are all getting older and can make decisions and buy things, we should do a family 'secret santa' and have ONE person we shop for and make it really personal. Limit $40 for adults and $20 for kids or something.

then if we have our own family time for the 'lots of presents' glut - then the Combined Family time can be more about connecting and really knowing one another...

I am going to push the agenda again at this C-mas gathering, even if it means breaking out the pen and paper and the hat!

 

Remember Me

(1,532 posts)
7. Boy, I hear ya.
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 10:05 PM
Dec 2011

Quite a few years ago now, my small family made the decision to just stoop buying presents. My young adult son didn't really enjoy it; my same-age step kids had everything and more; DH and I had what we needed and between all of us the whole thing had devolved into an exercise in exchanging lists. I couldn't stand the stress -- DH always kept buying more and more and more for me, and it was unnecessary and embarrassing. Lots of other stressors too (getting things wrapped -- were there "enough" presents for everyone, etc.), and I just said: ENOUGH. Let's just put an end to this. It was the smartest and sanest thing I think I've ever done. DH continued to buy for his out of state kids, but that's another story. So, I'd definitely vote for the pen, paper and hat approach.

Mrs. Scrooge

Matariki

(18,775 posts)
9. I LOVE that idea
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 03:23 AM
Dec 2011

I wish you luck getting your family on board with that. I think it's stressful for most people to have to struggle to come up with ideas for presents that won't just get put in the back of a closet, not to mention the financial stress of buying stuff for lots of people.

Dulcinea

(7,465 posts)
10. Our family does Secret Santa.
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 05:52 AM
Dec 2011

We draw names, & since we all live in different states, we e-mail gift suggestions to everyone in the family. The price limit is $100 for a "big gift," & $25 for a stocking stuffer (YMMV.) It works well, & definitely cuts down on holiday stress. The holidays are stressful enough for me as it is!

shanti

(21,716 posts)
5. bless you
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 08:47 PM
Dec 2011
i remember having to take my 3 sons to get charity gifts for xmas when i was a young, poor single mom on welfare (back when there still WAS welfare). it's never a good feeling to feel like you're always "taking". it's sometimes hard for people to understand what they do have though.

wishing you and your children a wonderful christmas! peace!

Howler

(4,225 posts)
6. Here in Howlerville
Thu Dec 22, 2011, 09:24 PM
Dec 2011

We exchange gifts we made ourselves.
Even my brothers kids get in on the action with drawings and home made cards.
It is a very festive and warmly opulant tradition depending on what is considered valuable.

I cherish all the homemade gifts over all the madison 5th ave hype and hoopla any day.

Love you Firstlight!

FirstLight

(14,082 posts)
8. that's kinda where i am going, too
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 01:16 AM
Dec 2011

But for my consumer family, at least this would slow it down a bit.

i always thought gifts were supposed to be something sacred, and I am getting more sentimental in my 'wiser' years , lol

thanks and love to you too howlerhunny


though there are a few things on my *list* ...the things i always want for bday (new years) or cmas but never really get

1. a spa day
...really even a pedicure would be a nice treat, but i'd like a whole body scrub and rubdown too!

2. a real weekend alone
...probably NOT at home, but even a chintzy motel in some obscure place like virginia city, or a lone cabin in the woods, would invite creativity and a nice time to just BE

3. a catered party
...to be able to have 20 or more of my closest friends come to a restaurant and just be served and enjoy food and drinks and not have to worry about the details.

....sheesh, am i a diva or what?!?

eilen

(4,950 posts)
12. My sister is having a hard time financially
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 09:49 AM
Dec 2011

she left her husband and is working two jobs to pay the bills and he is not helping her at all-- however he comes over, sometimes takes her for dinner etc (kind of complicated dynamics).

She has 3 kids, one living with her, one at college and the other one is 21 and living at the house with her husband and basically wasting his time playing video games and working part time.

I don't want her to stress out about buying presents -- not at all. I don't want her wasting the precious dollars she makes on "something" that can be wrapped-- I want for nothing. I just want her to be happy.

I did send her some Christmas cookies. I suggested when the rest of the family comes over (they live in a city out of state)-- just make some things they like. For example, my 13 yo nephew is very hard to buy for in the best of circumstances but he LOVES deviled eggs. I said--make him a tray of them. That is special and meaningful to him and won't end up broken on his closet floor.

My brother's girlfriend's mother just died and I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with extended family gifts either. Just getting it together for his kids and her kids is hard enough.

I much prefer getting together with a good meal and talking and maybe playing a game. My Dad used drive us nuts taking pictures instead of just being together.

I can relate to how you are feeling, my mother always had feelings of inadequacy at Christmas time. I don't know how to help that. I think providing something to your family that is uniquely you would make them happy whether it is peanut brittle, cake/cookies, tie dye, music, photography, written stories or poetry, painting etc. What I treasure the most from my sister is a set of beaded ornaments she made one year when we all agreed to exchange ornaments (handmade or otherwise).

Why Syzygy

(18,928 posts)
14. I'm odd woman out
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 01:25 PM
Dec 2011

too. But I don't mess with any of it/them these days. So, thankfully, I no longer have that issue.

You know what to do! You wrote it.

I just want to tell this little story (downer). I still remember when I was very young. My grandparents lived in the city, and we in a suburb. So it wasn't a long trip to go for Christmas. As my dad parked the car in front of their house, I remember my mother saying, "David's (uncle) kids always look like they just stepped off a band box. And mine look like little ragamuffins." I didn't know what a band box was, but I sure did know a ragamuffin. That hurt so much. It colored my self opinion for the rest of my life. It was also a slap at my dad. I realize now that she has always been ill. ...

I just tell this to give you a reason to make sure your kids feel special, acceptable. Don't pass along your insecurities if you can help it, sweetie.

Happy Christmas

OneGrassRoot

(23,423 posts)
17. That's really good advice....
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 05:06 PM
Dec 2011

about not letting our own insecurities define our children.

I'm sorry you experienced that as a child, and that it affected your self-opinion thereafter.



FirstLight

(14,082 posts)
15. too true! *gifts* come in many forms
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 03:29 PM
Dec 2011

and the Holidays are also a strange stressor, why does it always have to be 'perfect'..?

two interesting things:

This year, my mom asked me to make a banana cream pie for dad. It's his fave and one of the only things that I do especially for HIM. This year, miss Laney (my 9year-old) is VERY into cooking and recipies, etc...so we have looked up a REAL banana cream pie recipe with custard and everything, we are going to attempt it. Usually i just use jello pudding, this should be cool. so I get the bonus of teaching something to my daughter and doing something for my dad too...

this morning was the holiday performance at school...and as we are running out the door (and yes, mommy always feels so much performance anxiety because of being a single mom and so forth) i commented on how my nice christmas decorations were all for nought, because the house was trashed, yet again...my son, 8 yrs old, started singing his christmas song from school...about "sometimes we get frustrated, but christmas is a time...for LOVE" made me cry...

so here we are, going to enjoy eachother and out warm home, and let the dishes go to seed!

OneGrassRoot

(23,423 posts)
18. ...
Fri Dec 23, 2011, 05:08 PM
Dec 2011




Food gifts from the heart are the best. Your dad, and your daughter, will remember it forever. Hopefully it will become a tradition.



BlueToTheBone

(3,747 posts)
20. THis is why I hate Christmas
Sun Dec 25, 2011, 10:13 AM
Dec 2011

The obligatory gift giving; the over expectation, the inevitable let down, the feelings of less than, uhh. It's just too hard. I have my arms around you. I can not imagine your stress and pain at trying to be all that others need and expect.

May this next year give you solace and relief and all that you need.

May your compassion grow and cover all those who come in your presence.

 

SheilaT

(23,156 posts)
22. Heads up everyone.
Sun Dec 25, 2011, 02:59 PM
Dec 2011

We all have the choice about whether or not to buy into the excessive consumption that's so common in this country.

About twenty-five years ago my entire family gathered and for the first time ever I was going to be obligated to give presents to all -- brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, the spouses. I didn't have very much money. So I set a five dollar guideline per person (that's just over nine dollars today according to an on-line inflation calculator) and simply got very creative. If anyone in the family thought I was being too cheap, too bad. I found that the limited funds made me think very hard about each and every gift.

Sometimes making something (I can crochet and I make a little jewelry) or making cookies or giving a gift of time, such as baby-sitting, can be at least as welcome as some store-bought something that really won't ever be used.

It's also OK, in my opinion, to tell family members that you simply can't afford to buy stuff. AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY. I know it's a whole lot harder if you can't buy much for your young children, and all of their friends seem to get the most expensive stuff out there. But it's up to you, the parent, to shape their expectations, to tell them what's really important. Maybe serving at the homeless shelter on Christmas Day would make them fully appreciate what they actually have.

FirstLight

(14,082 posts)
23. well it really didn't matter much in the end...
Mon Dec 26, 2011, 01:31 PM
Dec 2011

the kids were happy no matter what, my mom was happy to have her holiday dishes and everything *her* way, and my banana cream pie was more like pudding, but tasted just like my grandmother's (mom read me the recipe from grandma's betty crocker cookbook, after the first attempt with an internet recipe failed)

did you ever notice how we in the US are so 'programmed' to think ONLY about the stuff? Is it just a capitalism thing?

anyway, had a nice afternoon evening with the family units, and i was very surprised that this year nobody was mean or nasty, just pleasant times all around...

now i get to prepare for New Year (and my bday!)

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