Perfect love and perfect trust.

[Still Blue in PDX]

Does anyone really have that?

Where to start. Last night during the long night while I was reflecting, it occurred to me that there really isn't anyone I have that with. I did for a while with some covenmates, but I threw it away because of their silliness. I wanted something deeper spiritually.

Haven't found it yet, but I certainly miss what I did have.

Got a letter from my primary care physician that he is moving away. I have a hard time telling people what is going on. I always say "fine." I'm sort of an emotional mess. I saw a counselor for a while, but I wasn't even honest with her, so that was a waste of time and money. Anyway, this PCP is someone I trust and who has my number, so to speak. So now I need to find someone new and maybe try a different medication regimen. I was taking Wellbutrin, but not regularly because of not giving a damn.

Hmm. Is there a question here. Yes. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with this sort of issue. I have the feeling that as a Pagan (of course I had the same feeling during my short-lived stint as a Christian) I should be able to spiritually be at peace with whatever troubles I am having. I'm supposed to be a healer, dammit, and I can't even keep my own self intact.

Any suggestions, practical or "woo" in nature?

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

1. I wish I did. Just don't give up on it

I know it can be easy to think of giving up on finding it. I have my own medical problems that have made a mess of my life but I still hope to find that 'Perfect Love and Perfect Trust'. I'm sorry I don't have anything more practical to say (The blind leading the blind kind of thing) right now.

[Still Blue in PDX]

3. Thanks for the encouragement.

The blind leading the blind? You seem to see pretty well. I appreciate your taking the time to answer.

[icymist]

2. Hi Blue.

Sorry for the late response. I know how loneliness hurts, especially on the longest night. Have you nobody in Portland that you can confide in? I'll tell you the story of how I came to be in Seattle; it's where I experienced the loneliest feelings ever:

Back in 1991, after my own father threw me out of the house I was renting from him (I'm his first born from his first marriage) because he wanted 'his son' (my half-brother) to live in the house, I packed up my little pickup truck and headed west. I didn't care where I was going; I just knew I had to leave Illinois. I did prepare a little for this by sending out resumes` within the company I was working. This was in a chain of nursing homes where I was working at the time as a CNA. I got replies from throughout the Pacific NW that if I got out there, I would be employed. Anyway, after I drove through Iowa, I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in all my life. I had left all family, friends, and foes behind. Everything I knew was changing, but I wasn't being dragged by the fates, I was letting them lead me. I pushed on, doing saltwater meditations to clear my head and asking the Goddess for guidance. Somewhere in Montana, on a mountain pass where the wind was whipping up that 'sideways' rain, I saw a hitchhiker. Stopping to pick him up, I asked where he was going. "Seattle." I said, "Okay." and then drove to Seattle. I had to live in the back of my pickup truck for two more weeks while I started my job. I found a room to rent and then got involved with the GLBT movement and playing guitar at 'Victory' open mics every week. I soon found myself surrounded by friends which then led me to a one bedroom apartment in a building that was all pagan! I really feel that this would never have happened if I didn't do the cleansing rituals and putting out the energy into the universe, trusting that the Goddess will lead me to where I needed to be.

I hope my little story helps you in this dark time.
Blessed Be, icymist

[Still Blue in PDX]

4. It does help. Thank you!

And now you are here. That means a lot to a lot of people here.

We need an emoticon for Blessed Be.

[Behind the Aegis]

5. Not emoticons, but how about....

---OR---

[icymist]

6. Oooo, shiny!

I like them both.

[Ruby Reason]

11. Since I'm not Pagan I'm not sure my vote counts, but...

I like the first one. The second one I think is too distracting. The first one shows confidence, but not pride.

[tama]

7. Look inside

and then stop looking, be your heart, just your simple self, the source, as there is nothing imperfect in these lives, in these pains and joys:

There was a Japanese potter who wanted to make a perfect bowl. For years and years he practiced his craft, and one day he had in his hands a bowl without any fault. He looked at it long time and then suddenly made a scratch on the surface. "Why did you do that?", asked the apprentice boy. Master answered: "It would not be perfect without a fault."

[icymist]

8. That's cool! :)

[Still Blue in PDX]

9. Beautifully stated.

Thanks.

[HopeHoops]

10. I call mine a GP, not a PCP - don't like the connotation. As for trust...

...I thought I had that with both male and female friends. The only one I can seriously claim to have that with is my wife and I met her in 84. With everyone else, there's always some kind of shield up, even if only a mildly defensive one. I've been fucked over way too many times by "friends".

My daughter is an "eclectic pagan" (her choice of words) and for a long time she wouldn't wear her pentagram outside of her shirt. It's been a long time since I've seen her WITHOUT it prominently displayed. That just takes self-confidence, well, and telling a few assholes to fuck off.

[Cat_Eye]

12. Newbie

Hey I am new.. I kind of don't know where to start but I am looking for tips on how to dig deeper in the wiccan religion. I have witches in my family but I kind of want to start my search by myself so I can write down any questions that I have. Does anyone know where I should start my study..I was told I need to learn meditation and also learn how to focus my energy.. If you guys can please post books that I should start with for beginners. Thanks.

[Still Blue in PDX]

13. Practical Solitary Magic by Nancy B. Watson.

The Spiral Dance by Starhawk
Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler

Those are three excellent starting points.

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

14. Greetings Cat_Eye

I agree with Still Blue on Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler.

That was one of the first books I recall reading as I searched for my path.
Let us know if there are other q's on your mind. We seem to have a diverse enough group that somebody ought to have insights into what it is you wish to learn.