Important Lessons I Learned in Church

[MineralMan]

As a youngster, starting about age 6, I attended Sunday School each week at a local small town Presbyterian church. My parents, who were non-believers, sent their children there to learn about the dominant religion in the United States. I attended each week for 12 years. Here are some of the lessons I learned:

1. Do not ask difficult questions. Instead of answers, you will receive punishments.
2. If you are challenged to memorize parts of the Bible, do not memorize the entire Book of Matthew. When called on to recite what you have memorized, you will be told peevishly to sit down after reciting the first chapter.
3. Keep your distance from the older man who teaches the 10-year-old Sunday School class. He will try to touch you in unwanted ways.
4. Be wary of making friends with the church's pastor. He will be fired soon because a Deacon on the church board made a pass at his wife, who told him to leave her alone.
5. Do not expect the Youth Minister to be punished for having a shy 14-year-old girl perform oral sex on him, even if he is caught in the act. He will just be sent off to another church, and the family of the girl will be shamed into leaving town.
6. If you are a bright, outgoing 17-year-old high school senior and are invited to teach a lesson at the adult Sunday School class, do NOT choose Jesus's teachings on hypocrisy as your subject. Just don't do that. Really.
7. When you enlist in the military, do not try to attend a local church of your home denomination in the town near your training base. You will be advised by a Deacon that you should attend services on the base, instead. You are not welcome there, because daughters.

Those are some of the lessons I learned in Sunday School.

I stopped going to churches, and all of those things stopped happening to me.

[lark]

1. Important thing I learned at Independent Baptist churches growing up?

Don't come back, there are hypocrites and racists here who honor their chosen political stances more than they honor God or morality
Is there even a God like in the Bible, because everyone claims he's for them even when they are on opposite sides of issues
If there is a God, do I even want to follow a being who would allow this shit show, or is he just people's creation to control others

Think I just believe in nature and kindness and don't believe any diety defined in churches is real. Guess I've become agnostic.

[mickswalkabout41]

2. As a young airman

I returned home. This was in the late 80s. Upon arrival I was told my mother was no longer a member of the oak harbor southern baptist church. She was, up until this time, a life long member.
That stopped when a family whose son was dying of aids, was denied entry to the church

A group of elders stood in front of them.

That was also my last time.

[MineralMan]

3. Wow! The "Love of God" was surely on display there.

Lessons go unlearned all the time in churches everywhere. Sometimes, you just have to wonder what's being taught.

[The Genealogist]

4. I'll share mine

1. Watered down KoolAid is a lousy drink.
2. That odor you smell on Mrs T. When she comes in to give all the kids a hug is booze, and she is sloshed.
3. The damned Catholics from the cathedral across the street keep parking in our lot.
4. Homeless people who come into the church office during the week are to be expelled.
5. Offering envelopes make great drawing paper during long sermons.
6. The happy little songs in kids Sunday school are at odds with the sermons, which are about how we are all depraved sinners.
7. It is more fun to have a guest organist who is not accustomed to a massive pipe organ, so they pull out all the stops and the floor vibrates due to the volume.
8. They will call you a confirmand when Dad drags you into church, even if you aren't and don't believe any of the hooey.

[MineralMan]

5. Thank you for your additional lessons!

[unc70]

6. I taught Genesis 38

I was maybe 13 when I did the lesson for the youth class using Genesis 38, the story of Judah, Tamar, and Onan. It was a bit racy even for a Methodist church. We were using the King James Version so things were not quite as explicit as with some of the more modern translations, but still ...

[MineralMan]

7. I asked about Lot and his daughters when I was about 12.

I was told that I didn't need to read the WHOLE Bible at my age. The Sunday School teacher never did answer my question about why Lot's daughters did that, really.

[unc70]

8. I was pretty much excused from Sunday School after that

Onan spilling his seed upon the ground left a lasting impression on the class.

[MineralMan]

9. You naughty boy, you!

[Runningdawg]

10. I will just add

Don't get caught wearing pants or you will need them to hide the welts.
Shaving your head is NOT an appropropriate response to the above punishment.
Never, no matter how old you get, no matter how good you think your relationship is with your parents as an adult, NEVER go home again. When you leave, the church will punish your parents.

[MineralMan]

11. Wow!

I hear you.

[gtar100]

12. Sounds like you were really paying attention.

I recall learning the true depths of boredom and how slow the second hand on a clock could really move.

[guillaumeb]

13. Perhaps others learned different things.

Perhaps others do not generalize from their own life history.

[MineralMan]

14. No doubt.

I do not know the experiences of most others. I did know that 14-year-old girl, though. Her experience was far worse. Bye, now.

I did not generalize. I related only my experiences. Please read for understanding.