Honest criticism please

[cbrer]

Not blindness tis' only my vision
Fading poorly away from me since
Showing the past of my fathers
And humanitys greatness evinced

Through time dimly to surface within me
While the poisons now through me run course
Searching madly but just one sin can be
Ahead of all others perforce

To not battle and conquer the evil
Ever present fore & aft of my birth
The ruiners, users, defilers
On the rock that I love my dear Earth

So now I hand to you my children
With what will be quite soon my last breath
A planet diminished and lonely
Closely matching the scene of my death

Thanks for your help.

[Ochsfan]

1. Quite nice

Especially the final two verses!

[Moe Shinola]

2. Harsh.

Not that we don't deserve it. Also, great use of the language. I aspire to your facility with English.

[limpyhobbler]

3. I like it.

[215jhelum]

4. new poetry blog!

New Poetry blog. Comments are welcome. Please follow the blog being updated with more poems to follow.Cheers

http://215jhelum.wordpress.com/

[softhearted]

5. Re: Honest criticism please

Not blindness tis' only my vision

'Tis' is short for 'it is', so the apostrophe should go before the 't' (where the missing 'i' would be).

And humanitys greatness evinced

You're missing full stops at the end of every stanza (in the second stanza you could have a colon after 'perforce')

Through time dimly to surface within me

I don't get what this means.

On the rock that I love my dear Earth

There should be a colon or comma after 'love'.



Also - and this is probably the main problem - you don't really have regular rhythm.