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[dixiegrrrrl]

This message was self-deleted by its author (dixiegrrrrl) on Thu Jun 1, 2017, 10:22 PM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[krispos42]

1. Oh, that have one of those now

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c9e_1182494402

[leaftie]

47. great

Ha like it

[melonkali]

2. An old fruit joke

Who lies in the grave of Alexander the Grape?

Alexander the Raisin....

[dixiegrrrrl]

3. *gurgle*

[CHIMO]

4. Rasins

Are dead grapes. Logic exists.

[dixiegrrrrl]

5. ducks like raisins...........

Duck waddles into a bar.
Bartender said, "Can I help you?"

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."

The duck walked out, came the next day and sat at the bar.

Bartender asks if he could help him.
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO!!! this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!"
So the duck waddled out again and left.

He came back the next day and sat down once again, and
yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO.!!!!!!!
And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.

The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day sure enough the duck came back,
except he only peeped his head inside the door.
He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

[TeamPooka]

40. A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He hops on the bar and orders a glass of water.
the bartender gives him the water and says "We have a cocktail named after you"
"You have a cocktail named Irving?"

[dixiegrrrrl]

41. Somehow I always hear it as "Oiving"

[samsingh]

68. kick

[valerief]

32. Ha! I like it! nt

[benld74]

6. My 10 year old had used that joke for Halloween 'trick' for the last 2 years! It STILL has legs,,,,

[Iggo]

7. Guess what?

That's what!

[MiddleFingerMom]

26. !!!

[Tunkamerica]

46. not chicken butt?

guess why? chicken thigh

[leaftie]

48. Hä?

Hä?

[Tunkamerica]

49. yes?

ha!

[Scuba]

8. How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a little boogie in it.


Didja hear about the big robbery last night? Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.



Didja hear about the accident at the Army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn and crushed two colonels.

[dixiegrrrrl]

9. Very good!

In true keeping with the spirit!

[Kurovski]

10. I posted in on DU years ago.

the old one about a grasshopper entering a bar, hopping up on a stool, and the bartender exclaims "Hey! There's a drink named after you!!"

The grasshopper replies: "You Do!? You have a drink named Steve?"

I think it was finally put into one of MacFarlane's animated shows.

[valerief]

33. Good one! nt

[UrbScotty]

11. A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The neutron asks, "How much will that be?"

The bartender says: "For you, no charge."

[dixiegrrrrl]

12. *giggle*

[AlecBGreen]

13. two atoms bump into each other on the sidewalk and fall down

one gets up and cries "Ive lost an electron!"

2nd one says, "Are you sure?"

1st one says, "Yes, Im POSITIVE!"

[valerief]

34. I love the atom and neutron jokes. nt

[Whisp]

14. what is black and white

and black and white and black and white?

a nun rolling down a hill.

[dixiegrrrrl]

15. Had NOT heard that version of black/white before, believe it or not.

hee hee

[Whisp]

16. another b/w one :)

what is black and white and red (read) all over?

a Newspaper

(this is not one you can write down)

[Oldtimeralso]

28. Is That True?

I was told that it was a sunburned zebra!!!

[UrbScotty]

17. What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him!

[faeries]

18. poor froggy

yikes! I don't wanna imagine the frog while it's in the blender.

[flying rabbit]

19. Two muffins are in an oven

One says: Man it's getting hot in here.
Other says: Holy shit! A talking muffin!

Never gets old

[valerief]

35. Nope. It doesn't. Ha!

[Waltons_Mtn]

53. Good one there!

[fizzgig]

78. ....

[dixiegrrrrl]

20. What's big and purple and swims in the ocean????

Last edited Wed Dec 28, 2011, 01:48 PM - Edit history (1)

ok...nobody asked so I will tell you:


Moby Grape.

( I used to giggle at that every time my kid told it to me...)

[Scuba]

56. What's big and white and lays on the bottom of the ocean?

Moby's dick.

[Auggie]

21. "Knock knock ..."

"Who's there?"

"Impatient cow."

"Impatient cow w--"

"Moo!"


..........................
A six-year-old told me that. Hilarious.

[dixiegrrrrl]

22. LOL!

[Tunkamerica]

45. it's interrupting cow.

[dipsydoodle]

23. A general greetings card I saw

Last edited Thu Dec 29, 2011, 09:48 AM - Edit history (1)

1st woman : Whatsup ?
2nd woman : I've got nobody to go shopping with
1st woman : Shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
2nd woman : OK- I've got nobody to go shopping with - you cow.

[dixiegrrrrl]

24. Lol..

There is, floating around, a much stronger end to that joke..I believe the "B"word is used.

[HeiressofBickworth]

25. Two morons go walking in the woods

They came upon a naked lady. They asked her if she was game; she said yes.



So they shot her.

[valerief]

36. Ha!!! Love it!!!! nt

[Graybeard]

27. This one is over 100 years old.

From back in the days of vaudeville.

My sister married an Irishman.

Oh really?

No...O'Reilly.

[ahg]

29. Why don't sharks eat clowns?

They taste funny.

[dixiegrrrrl]

30. hee hee

Never heard that one, actually.

[Scuba]

57. Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

[Callmecrazy]

31. A three-year-old told me this one.

What kind of bees make milk?







Boo-bees!

[valerief]

37. Badda bing! From the mouths of babes with milky lips. nt

[benld74]

38. What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

[Mad_Dem_X]

39. A man walks into a bar...

"Ouch!"

Stupid, but it cracks me up every time.

[Robert Czar]

42. This guy REALLY cracks me up

[MrMickeysMom]

58. He's got a real knee slapper going there, Bob!

This is a county meeting?

No Robert's Rules, I take it. This guys an A-#1 carrot stroker, alright. Thanks for the laugh. I think I recognize him.

[Mac1949]

43. With apologies to all my blonde friends...

What goes vroom screech, vroom screech, vroom screech?

A blonde at a flashing red light.

[Tunkamerica]

44. what's brown and sticky?

a stick.

what the stickiest thing in the world?

a stick

[MiddleFingerMom]

50. This is my current favorite short joke. Kids AND adults love it... though I usually say...

.
.
.
... "all sticky" and I add, "You know, this is a joke and I really don't expect you
to come up with an answer."
.
.
.
Don't be surprised at kids' responses. You're pretty much giving them permission
to holler "POOP!!!"
.
"Nuh-uh, Mom... MiddleFingerMom MADE me yell that!!!!"
.
.
.

[MikenGina]

51. Silly jokes bring silly smiles

We've heard Kenny G's wife is asking for a divorce. She say's the Sax is boring and he refuses to play her organ.

[UrbScotty]

52. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

(If at first you don't get it, pronounce it.)

[left-of-center2012]

59. And I thought ..

Gov Chris Christie of New Jersey ?

[sakabatou]

54. Four elderly Jewish women sit down at a bench to take a rest after a hard day.

First woman groans, "Oy."
The second woman, also groaning, says, "Oy vey."
The third woman sits and groans, "Oy veismir."
The fourth woman looks at the other three perplexed and asks, "How the hell do you know the names of my children?"

[LiberalElite]

55. Heard from a Barnard College Student

What fish has two knees? Twoknee fish!

[sakabatou]

60. Here's a better one: What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.

[lumberjack_jeff]

61. Zen buddhist walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

[dixiegrrrrl]

62. I love it!!!!

Seriously...very good.

[fizzgig]

79. the buddist hands the vendor a $20

the vendor puts it in his cash box and moves on to the next customer. the buddhist asks for his change and the vendor replies...."change comes from within."

[jumptheshadow]

63. My favorite bad joke for more than 45 years

What do you call it when a chicken lays an egg and she's not sitting down?

A standing ovation.

[dixiegrrrrl]

64. And we have chickens!

I can attest to the noise they all make when one lays an egg, it sounds exactly like she is taking a curtain call...lol.
Can't wait to tell Mr. Dixie your joke.

[UrbScotty]

65. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

[dixiegrrrrl]

66. Nice word play.

[TxDemChem]

69. Nice one

Really cute. I'll have to use that.

[dipsydoodle]

67. Dog playing poker

A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards.

‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man.

‘He’s rubbish’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’

[TxDemChem]

70. I've only got dorky jokes, but...

How often do i like jokes about chemistry?



Periodically

[Kablooie]

71. Knock Knock ...

Who's there?

A

A who?


egg.

[TexasBushwhacker]

72. What's green and ice skates?

Peggy Pflegm


How can you spot Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He's the only one with sesame seed buns

[dixiegrrrrl]

73. Peggy Pflegm......

[TexasBushwhacker]

74. I think you have to be kind of old to get that one

I'm 56

[dixiegrrrrl]

75. Well, I won't tell you what "kind of" old I am...but I got the joke .

[hollysmom]

76. Why did the Punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

[dixiegrrrrl]

77. ooookayyy...

[softhearted]

80. What's brown and runs round the back yard?

A fence.

[dixiegrrrrl]

81. Neat one...I was, of course, thinking of a dog.

[backtoblue]

82. What was the last thing to go through the fly's mind when it hit the windshield?

It's butt!

[dixiegrrrrl]

84. Sounds like...Trump? n/t

[jmowreader]

86. Do you know why sharks won't eat Republicans?

Professional courtesy.

[oldcynic]

87. How do you tell the difference between and elephant and a grape?

A grape is purple, silly.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

[dixiegrrrrl]

88. The duck/elephant joke was one of my favorites

I hesitate to even mention how many decades ago.

[oldcynic]

89. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in your fridge?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

[talldarkhandsome]

90. The knock knock joke..

You know the interrupting cow one.

Moooooo

[Stuart G]

91. i remember this from 3rd grade ..I was 8 years old...

How do you get into this apartment building..?..to get someone captured by a witch?

because...
............On the first floor there is incredible heat..due to some malfunction in the furnace
.............On the 2nd floor there are 6 mean dogs who will eat you up if you enter
.............On the 3rd floor there is sand piled to the top of the ceiling
.............On the 4th floor is the witch who has captured our friend...

..........SO .....HOW DO YOU GET IN?????????????????????SIMPLE..........................

ARE YOU READY???

you eat...........................................a hot dog sandwich ............Hot Dog Sand Witch...get it???

[dixiegrrrrl]

92. Wow...that is one I have never heard.

Good one, too.

My youngest son, around age 6-7 at the time, brought a book with him when we went on a long car trip.

It was The Book of Polish Jokes, popular at the time, before political correctness.

He read it...aloud....laughing like crazy after each joke.
It was a LONG car ride.