How do I get through this?
My problem is my hubby is decompensating faster than I expected. He's always had a horrible memory, but I'm scared to death for him. Send him to the grocery store with a list and you never know what he'll come back with. Last week he cleaned our checking and savings account by falling for a gift card scam. While I'm still trying to dig out of this hole with help from friends and my grandson, I came in today to find him on the phone to someone getting ready to change our insurance carrier. I told him, in a very loud voice, that we're NOT changing insurance people. For the first time in my life, I have an all female agency and they help me when we have issues making a payment all at once. We're on SS and a very small annuity I got when I retired. Any disposable income is spent on food for us and the cats. And then I repeated in a loud enough voice to be heard via the phone that we are NOT changing companies! Reminded him again NOT to click on any ad on the internet without checking with me first. At least he was on his way to find me when he told me what was going on. I worry now constantly about him, and I'm going through a depression (?)... I can't really call it that, I don't have the luxury of one. But I don't want to lose my husband, and I feel like I am, even with him right here. I honestly don't think this is Alzheimer's. I believe its just "normal" aging, with no help from the heavy drugs he used when he was a kid, nor electric shock treatments he had for schizophrenia when he was young.
Years ago, we split up the household duties, since my work was a lot more time-consuming than his. One of the things I left for him to do was pay the bills when they came in. At this point, we had money I'd saved up in our savings account, and he'd gotten some from mineral rights he sold. That was over a decade ago and that money's all gone. All we have is our month-to-month, and one more time like he's put me through right now I'm afraid is going to me over the edge. So, I've taken back all the bill paying (since I discovered he hadn't paid electric for 3 months), and switched just about everything to online pay. I've got a problem with one institution I've tried paying. It's happened twice in the last 6 months, although I've been paying them the same way for years and years (almost 2 decades!). They say the debit isn't honored by my bank. I finally went through paypal, and I got a "reminder" notice of the due date (that I'd just paid). I'm hoping that is crossing online payments, but between trying to get that straight and picking up the pieces hubs left me I'm bonkers. I've put us on a $180 budget until the 9th, when our SS checks get deposited. I don't get any push back from him on anything about this, he's a really sweet guy who'd give you the shirt off his back, even if it was the last one he had. And he's a feminist as much as any man can be. He's supported me as I've taken jobs paying less simply because I was female in a male's field. IOW, I love him to pieces. I'm just not ready to lose him mentally and intellectually. Our minds are what brought us together in the first place. I feel so bad for him. I may be reaching for words and now and then, but I know how much it scares me and I can readily imagine how it feels to him.
Anyone else in this situation? How are you handling it -- both for him and for yourself? I'd readily accept ideas and advice on how ya'll get along. One thing's for sure... this aging stuff isn't for the feint of heart!
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I’ve read your posts, slightlv, and the first thing that they make me think of is: “how would I handle all this? How on earth?”
I would guess the only thing you can realistically do, after taking precautions like you’ve done, is face up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Your journey is seriously one of those “teachable moments” (did Obama coin that phrase?) that I bet a BUNCH of us here would be smart to learn, or at least be open to. I mean, shit, things might be rolling along just fine but then tomorrow could bring some calamity like a major auto accident or serious bathroom or kitchen flood or some such thing.
It seems so trivial to describe the burst pipe that surprised us back in mid-January, that utterly destroyed our guest bedroom. Right down to the floorboards and wall insulation and other basics. And sheesh - who’s prepared for THAT? What a mess and we’d never experienced ANYTHING like that. And yet, once we hoped everything had thoroughly dried (summer had arrived!) we risked taking tentative steps toward trying to get it all rehab’d. We got reputable advice and groped our way through all of it, but it finally got finished by the end of August.
But that is NOTHING compared with what you’re dealing with, and a WHOLE LOT more serious! And again, I guess the only realistic thing to do that makes any sense is to take the baby step route. One foot in front of the other. Make sure both feet are in stable contact with the ground, and try to take a few steps forward, even if they’re little steps. Then stop and recognize that you made some forward-leaning progress, and feel good about how you successfully gathered up your courage and TRIED.
Heck, THAT ALONE is an achievement! And even better when it leads to another several steps forward. And before you know it, you’ve taken a few dozen steps and those steps got you to some help that might make sense.
For us, it was one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, over and over again, til we suddenly realized it was the end of August and the whole damn thing got DONE.
THAT was both startling and tremendously gratifying! We actually were pretty proud of ourselves and all those little baby steps, cuz all those baby steps headed directly to the Finish Line!
And PLEASE keep this in mind: anything you’re doing to confront the problem or get over being overwhelmed by it, no matter how small or ridiculous or unrealistic you THINK your efforts are, it all means you’re on the road to getting it intelligently DEALT WITH. And TAKEN CARE OF.
Do NOT forget that, my friend! Let the Grateful Dead refrain about “what a LOOOOOOOOONNNNG strange trip it’s been…” carry you through every day. And please keep in mind that NOTHING lasts forever. Not the good times. And DEFINITELY not the bad times. George Harrison had an album called “All Things Must Pass.” And all things do. INCLUDING THE BAD PARTS!!!!!
HUGS GALORE to you, slightlv! You’ve shared all of this with your DU brothers and sisters. And THAT means you’re automatically NOT trudging through this alone. And as our beloved Skittles has reminded: “someone’s always here.” Don’t forget THAT, either.
PS: Sorry I went on so long.
The challenge of walking into the unknown with the known outcome of death is almost overwhelming some days. My beloved had open-heart surgery almost 3 years ago which culminated in a NDE where his heart stopped for almost four minutes. Things have been a challenge for us both ever since. He now has orthostatic hypotension and can fall at the drop of a hat (so to speak) which has placed enormous burdens on my time and energy and anxiety on his. Falling is a very traumatic event and to fall for "no reason" is the worst.
I'm lucky in that I've always taken care of the money and bills. Sometimes he asks how things are,but mostly, he is content to not think about that.
Can you talk to your husband about changing roles now that you don't work so much? It might be a relief for him not to have that responsibility of keeping track of everything. Maybe just say, new rules, my dear and take over. Give him a different task to help with the household? But you should definitely be the money manager.
Maybe you could have a phone conference with your primary and discuss your concerns and set up various specialist appointments to pinpoint the true issue?
I am sure that you know what you need to do. It's just such a scary step knowing that you are alone, even though you are in a relationship and have your partner right at hand. I can relate and am sending you hugs and strength through the ether. You can do this.
I've already warned him if anyone phones and calls him "grandpa" to immediately give me the phone. He's step-grandpa, and came to that late in life, both his and theirs, so it's a natural move for him in this situation. I honestly don't know why he did what he did with the gift cards, other than he's already had a thing about authority figures (which is what they were presenting as). He's an long time ago ex-junkie, schizophrenic, and has always been outside the law in some way. The fact it took 1/3 of his life to turn himself around only told me what kind of man he truly is, deep inside. Yeah, I fell in love at first word!
We're doing better now. David's sis sent down $500, and that allowed us to get a utility bill paid before it was cut off, and get some food into the house. The cats ran out of treats, but they had their crunchies and Fancy Feast. The dog even got his pup-A-Roni. (LOL)
This months SS checks came in, and allowed me to get the bills paid for now, and a massive trip to the grocery store, which promptly has set me back, physically, for the last two days. Last night I made a soup that turned out SO good, and I haven't stopped throwing up since. I think I burned my esophagus, but nothing I take in will stay down. I finally have food in the house again and now i can't eat? Damn... if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none at all (ain't that the way the saying goes?!). My lupus is in flaring and I can't keep down the meds.
Sorry, I"m so grateful to those who got me to this place, but I had a really raw night and now the day doesn't look like its gonna be much better. Meanwhile, it's been two days since I've been able to hold anything down, so I'm also "hangry"... 