Frustrated Parents Support Thread - as in "How the HELL do I deal with this mess???"

[HopeHoops]

This discussion thread is pinned.

Post away...

[HopeHoops]

1. Okay. No posts. Nobody's frustrated with parenting? Let's wake up the group.

And GET MORE MEMBERS! Most of this stuff ends up in The Lounge or DU or somewhere it doesn't belong. Parenting is NOT an easy job and especially for new parents. We've got a library of advice to offer and that's what we should be doing.

[Ruby Reason]

2. I agree, parenting is tough.

I don't hit the lounge much, but let those who post there about parenting issues know this is available. I think sometimes people are ashamed to say, "I don't know what to do." But nobody really knows 'til they get there. And then there is only hindsight for a closer to on target answer.

Did that sound like a ramble? sorry.

[HopeHoops]

3. It's not a ramble. If you say you know what to do, you're full of shit.

We're all lost in the maze of parenting. That's one of the things I always loved about "For Better or For Worse". You just do the best you can, but nobody has all the answers, or even half of them frankly. My kids are a breeze compared to what I was and I STILL don't know what to do sometimes.

My wife has a sticky pad with a cartoon image of a woman with a suction-cup dart on her forehead. The caption is "The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day my kids will grow up to be parents". Somehow I avoided getting paid back for what I was, but then again, after my third (of three) daughters was born somebody told me it was God's way of paying me back for what I was. So far (at least) that hasn't proven to be true.

[Ruby Reason]

4. So you have a few ladies you feel need an apology?

[HopeHoops]

5. Not at the moment. When I'm wrong I admit it and deal with the apology then.

Sometimes I just have to take the "because I'm the dad and I said so" approach, but other times I just fucked up. It's hard to accept that they aren't 3 anymore (the youngest is almost 17).

[Ruby Reason]

6. I wasn't reffering to your daughters...

I meant the young ladies of your not so virtuous past.

[HopeHoops]

7. I'm still trying to track a few down.

There's always the likelyhood that they don't want to be found.

[lovemehoney]

8. Spam deleted by William769 (MIR Team)

[HelpmeHelp]

9. I just joined this group, along with three others.

My darling 25 year old son is bedeviled by OCD, depression, and an eating disorder. I did not know about it, couldn't see it, until he had self-medicated himself into a serious alcohol addiction.

Now he is a health care limbo. Everyone SAYS that the two issues (mental illness and addiction) have to be dealt with TOGETHER. But there is no real "dual diagnosis" treatment. The Alcohol rehab places may have a psychiatrist on staff to prescribe various anxiety medications, but they insist that mental illnesses cannot be dealt with until his "base line" condition can be determined... In other words, until he is completely in recovery.

Our health plan (which he falls off of in December) paid for one week of inpatient rehab. We paid nearly 4k for a second week. They discharged him with a referral to a 5 day a week outpatient program that he crapped out of in the first week. They cna't deal with his mental illness issues.

He's have to commit HIMSELF to mental health "long term care".. which he calls.. "You locking me away and leaving me".

"How the HELL do I deal with this mess???"

[steve2470]

10. teenagers becoming adults...

Helping my son to do this, slowly, without being overly harsh.

Frustrating, yes.

[HopeHoops]

11. I wasn't exactly a piece of cake on a plate with a scoop of ice cream.

Actually, I'm amazed my that my parents didn't personally kill me. Ours have been a lot easier, but we did let our youngest take off (under 18) and live with my father to do her senior year in another state. It wasn't an easy decision. "If you love something, set it free..."

[steve2470]

12. My 16 year old son is very easy, compared to many others

He's never had a real job (aka, one with non-relatives). So, he's naive about that aspect of the real world. Long story why not, I can't change this reality so I have to accept it. He'll be fine.

[HopeHoops]

13. I was just freaked out when I told my mom I was stoned all to Jesus for ten years.

She didn't think I smoked pot - How the FUCK could you NOT know I was stoned? I don't think there was a moment in those ten years where I WASN'T stoned - and I graduated college magna cum laude - took all of my finals after multiple bong hits. I wore a Santa hat for the winter finals and a Goofy hat (complete with ears) for the spring finals. I was so stoned I could barely find the buildings I had to be in for the tests. But I knew my shit. Still, how could you not notice that someone's perpetually wasted? Shit, the shrub was drunk off his ass the entire time he squatted at the White House. I noticed that!

[steve2470]

14. Best wishes with your kids

We both know it isn't easy.

[HopeHoops]

15. Seriously, I'd say mine are easy. We set down solid rules early on and eventually didn't have...

... to enforce them because they just knew what to do. My eldest is 21 and when she's home I still get "yes sir" when I ask her to do something. We've also given them a lot of latitude as they've matured, so perhaps that helps.

[txwhitedove]

17. Help! Grandma raising 2 grandkids, 11 and 5 (birthdays in March). They've been with me 4-years now.

Granddaughter just got first pair of glasses and we're hoping this helps when school tests her for dyslexia.

Right now I'm furious because suddenly Zeke's teacher has the whole school spying/reporting on him for daily behaviour report. Cafeteria lady a.m, class, P.E., Cafeteria lady p.m., class.... Lunch lady said he ignored her when told to get fruit or vegetable. Personally, as much and as well as he eats, thats none of their business. Even his sister said she would be mad if she thought everyone was reporting on her like this. Damn. Why did they just start now? Why did he get an average 2+ out of 4 all year til now? When they said the write-ups may go on the district computer (ie PERMANENT RECORD), I said "he's only 5"! I have always taken their messages seriously, but again he's only 5. A "Baby Huey" 5. Big baby, big boy tall for his age, but not mature by any means. I admit he's a handful. He came to me 4-yrs ago screaming about everything. As he grew and learned to communicate, the screaming subsided but he's very concerning with being in control. I read a book on ADHD the first year he lived with me. In my eyes, he is so much better now. I told the school that drugs are a no-go, absolute last option but that upset them. They seem determined to push it in that direction. Working full-time means I don't have enough time to concentrate on his issues. This last year kids have gone to stay with their mom for weekends to give me a break, but mom lets him run wild and just yells at him. I'm at my wits end.

[txwhitedove]

18. Happy Spring! I am so grateful for this awesome support group, and can tell ya'll can't wait to

hear the follow-up. The very next morning, Grandma put on her big girl granny panties, went to school to give the counselor Zeke's big sister's dyslexia permission and information from the eye doctor. While there, I presented her with the bright yellow "DAILY BEHAVIOR" folder instructing me to read and sign daily, underlined!!!!! Then we discussed that, family background, options and I said we would even try a little coffee in the morning to see if that helped. (Caffeine calms hyper kids.) That evening I got same folder, same daily minute-by-minute accounting until after lunchtime and then a note with a new daily sheet. An awsome, focused, positive point method for his paying attention and following instructions. It is not nearly as entertaining, but much more constructive for Zeke and teacher too. That morning, the Gym teacher reported he lay on the floor twitching pretending to be electrocuted, bzzz, bzzt. The Art teacher said he put his hand under his arm under his shirt and pumped it, you know arm farts, and sang Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer during instruction time. When reading this folder, Zeke started with the arm farts. I told him I know what those are but don't do it in class, teacher doesn't like it. He said, "Well, can I do it here?" I said yes Grandma likes arm farts. Needless to say, caffeine did NOT work on this boy.

[Bettie]

19. Hi, I've never posted in here because

previously, I've not had major problems.

I have 3 boys. 16, 14 (15 at the end of summer), and 8. I'm an at-home mom.

My oldest did puberty and it was hard, he was super emotional and I didn't know what to do, but we made it through with only a few bumps in the road.

Second son is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do with him.

While son number 1 was very emotional, number 2 is withdrawing from everyone in the family, refuses to interact with me, and is outright nasty to his brothers all the time. He won't do chores, just won't do anything and this is the first time I've had this problem with him....ever.

He's always been the one who would hang out with me and it is hard to have him so changed.

So, those who have had teenagers...this will get better, right? I try so hard not to be angry at his attitude and accept that this is likely temporary.

I can't reach out to relatives becasue they all say their kids never had a single issue in puberty or ever. They were always perfect and fully 100% happy 24/7 because of their stellar parenting. Maybe that's true, but that is not my experience.

Husband and I are doing the best we can, but I'm so frustrated. This is the first time he's ever really acted out in any major ongoing way. Oh, he's also inherited a tendency to anxiety, so I'm sure that isn't helping the situation.

Any reassurance or advice you can give is welcome. Sorry to whine.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

20. It usually does get better.

And the relatives who say their kids never had a single issue are full of shit.

Some years back, when we were having issues with our younger son, I asked a psychologist we were doing some family therapy with, why was it that my friends with kids the same age had no problems? He said that if there weren't problems now, there would be at some point in the future. Maybe he was wrong, but that gave me a great deal of comfort.

Here's another story that may help a bit. I'm one of six children. Growing up, we absolutely had our share of squabbles. Which apparently my mother never noticed. Fast forward a couple of decades. My younger sister and I had five children in six years. Sounds like a lot, but there were two mothers involved. Anyway, at various times our Mom would say, in strongly disapproving tones, when one of the kids was acting up, "You kids NEVER acted that way." At first it hurt, then we realized that Mom had forgotten, or was oblivious in the first place to the totally normally behaviors of her own children.

So for years after, whenever the two of us were together with our kids, and (as invariably happened) one of the five acted up, the sister who wasn't the mother of the miscreant would say, "My kids NEVER do that." And then we'd both laugh hysterically.

All kids act up. As parents we may become inured to our own child's behavior. So we might not recognize when our own kid is behaving badly. Or (and this is truly separate) we may be extremely annoyed by someone else's child who is misbehaving, even when that (mis)behavior is actually within normal bounds.

The only thing I can offer is that you keep on talking to other parents you know. If there is any chance of family therapy, seek it out, but I'm not about to suggest that you can't make it through without it.

Here's another way to think about these teen years. Until maybe 150 years ago, kids were out on their own by age 18, often earlier. Boys went to work on the farm or in the factory. Girls got married and had babies. We're hard wired to become independent in our mid to late teens, even though our brains aren't fully mature. In modern culture kids stay at home a whole lot longer. Many of them go off to college for four or more years, retaining that dependency into their early twenties.

I'm not saying you need to toss your sons out of the house right now, but give them, in so far as possible, opportunities to be independent. Maybe earn money. Do hang in there.

Oh, and I was a stay at home mom and was very glad of it. My younger son was an especial challenge, and had I been in the work force and more disconnected to him I honestly think it would have been much worse.

[Bettie]

21. Thank you so much

What you said makes me feel a lot better.

The bit about independence has really made me think about how kids are hard wired.

I am glad I'm an at-home mom, especially since my husband has a job that involves significant travel and really weird hours. It would be so hard if I were tied to a schedule.

I think I need to work on patience. This will pass.

[Marthe48]

23. How about adult in-laws?

I have a surly s-i-l. After our last encounter, I am ready to cut him out of my will.

Almost 30 years and he just gets worse. I don't think I've done anything except exist.

[Marthe48]

24. Wish and hope for a happy outcome

I have friends and relatives whose children are estranged for various reasons. Some of the kids carry resentment of bad parenting, some of the kids are trumpers and disconnected from people who aren't. I don't know why one child cut her parents out of her life. Whatever reasons there are rifts in those families, it hurts all of us who know that some people have the trimmings, but they don't have the real gifts. I offer comfort and avoid talking about my family plans with people who don't have the same. Why rub it in?

I hope that the families I know come to terms in ways that they can stand each other's company, regardless of the past or current relationships. Or else find surrogates who fill the voids.